The ultimate reality of grief is it forever tied to love. Love creates attachment and loss breaks that attachment. The greater the love, the greater the grief. It is within this fallen construct of reality that we see the cruel paradox of life. Do we not love because of this? Of course not, we accept the realities of life and properly understand that death plays as much as a role in life as birth. Many hope to ignore death and loss but this is unhealthy. It is important to discuss life but also death. In doing so, one can better understand the losses that eventually find everyone. Part of being alive is experiencing loss. We need to understand loss, help others through it and adjust.
There is a reason there is no true recovery in grief. Since love is forever, so is grief. The only difference is that when grief is properly handled, the acute grief becomes integrated into our life. Unfortunately, some experience complications in grief and are unable to integrate. Hence the grief response which is both healthy and natural becomes distorted.
The video below covers many basic grief ideas and can serve as a great educational tool.
Grief Counseling looks to help a person through grief. Grief can sidetrack life due to the adjustment period it takes to react to loss. It is not something to be seen as pathological or unnatural but part of life. How well one can adjust and cope is critical. Most times, individuals adjust from grief, but recovery itself is something that never comes. One does not recover from grief but learns to live with it. While some enter into pathological states due to loss with Prolonged Grief, or worst, Major Depressive Disorder, most are able to navigate the troubled waters of loss and adjust. This adjustment though comes with its own pain and emotional cycles.
Grief Counselors who are also licensed counselors can help not only those experiencing grief and loss in normal grief reactions but also pathological, while those who are not licensed are permitted to help those deal with basic human loss. In all cases, grief counselors are there to listen and help. Grief Counselors need to be good sojourners and companions in grief. This is a very pastoral view towards grief counseling and is beneficial in helping someone deal with a loss. It does not look to follow a mere clinical plan but instead to walk with the bereaved.
Sojourning one through grief is a pastoral service of family or ministry. It is about walking with the bereaved and listening and being there. It is not about fixing but witnessing the present and the loss itself.
A sojourner is one who walks with someone in grief. Friends, family, religious or ministers and rabbis can partake down this path with anyone. Professional counselors can also take upon this very important role. A key ingredient in any sojourner is empathy. One needs to have the ability to feel the pain of others and to allow one to share one’s pain with oneself. Sojourning or companioning one through grief is not so much about assessing and analyzing one’s grief but more so listening and being present. This type of healing does not look for time tables but instead looks to help individuals by being present in the moment.
A sojourner or companion has a variety of qualities in how they help others. They are empathetic and full of love and patience. In this patience and love they help others express their grief by listening. They do not attempt to share grief stories but they listen to the emotions of the person. They grant permission to be angry or cry in this safe place.
Sojourners do not look to have the answers but look instead to help one find one’s own answers. They do not use terms such as “I understand” or “You need to do this” but instead listen and react to the emotional state of the person. The person leads the discussion, not the counselor in these cases.
Companioning or sojourning involves being present for the pain but maybe not having the ability to take the pain away. It focuses more so on the spirit than intellect and walking beside one not leading one. In many cases companioning looks respects the disorder of grief and does not seek to immediately find order.
Those who look to help others through grief utilize a companion model or a traditional treatment model. Instead of focus on returning a person to pre-loss status, sojourning respects the now and transformative process of grief. There is a new normal due to the loss and no return to the pre loss is possible. Sojourning does not look to eliminate grief symptoms but instead values the expression of grief as an important process of the grieving cycle. In doing so, healthy continued bonds with the deceased is encouraged and not seen as pathological. Quality of care is not determined by how well grief is managed but how well it was expressed and how well the bereaved was able to express and communicate.
When helping one through the grief process as a sojourner and comforter, one should help the person be honest about his or her feelings. It is important not to be shocked at what is said but more so to give a person the permission needed to express even angry feelings. The counselor should not look to fix the situation but merely listen and be present.
Being present is one of the key elements in sojourning for it entails listening and accepting the present situation of loss. Counselors can follow a few tips as well. While emotionally listening, avoid touching. Hugs can sometimes help but as counselors, not pastors or family, it is important to keep distance because those in grief can misunderstand intentions. When asking people to discuss their loss, sometimes it is difficult to start and they may need guided. Sometimes mirroring what they are saying can be beneficial. This allows individuals to hear what they are saying and to reflect on it. Ultimately let them know that their emotions are natural and expected and they have a right to grieve no matter what others may say or do.
Grief Counselors can help guide individuals through the process of loss. Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification
Empathy, patience, listening, time and gentle guidance are critical to helping people express and go through grief. It cannot be seen as something mechanical or sterile with steps or procedures. Instead one needs to see the messiness of grief and the power of listening through sojourning.
If you would like to learn more about AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Program than please review and see if it meets your academic and professional goals. The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification as Grief Counselor.
Related Texts
The Unwanted Gift of Grief by Tim P. VanDuivendyk
Companioning the Grieving Child by Alan D. Wolfelt
When loss occurs, acute grief is the result. The process of mourning the loss takes time but eventually leads to a state of integrated grief, where the loss still stings but one is adjusted to the loss in a healthy way. When this adaptation does not happen, complicated grief can occur and higher levels of professional help may be needed. Grief Counselors who are not licensed counselors can help with the acute grief phase, but if one finds themselves falling into complicated grief, then they should seek licensed counseling. Some licensed counselors may also be Grief Certified, which is even better.
Prolonged Grief Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder are different but closely related. Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification
Prolonged grief disorder persists and sometimes can be confused with major depressive disorder. It takes a very astute clinician to watch the details and understand the how one can easily fall into the other.
The article, “Bereavement and Depression” by Abigale Clark looks closer at grief, loss and depression. She states,
“Clinicians must carefully distinguish between grief, PGD, and MDD. A disorder that can occur when the natural grieving process is derailed, PGD is a painful and debilitating condition that can last for years in the absence of PGD-focused treatment. For PGD, the treatment of choice is either providing evidence-based PGD therapy or making a referral to a grief specialist. The aim is to provide support for healthy lifestyle and activities while also treating potential co-occuring conditions. If a bereavement specialist is not available, grief-informed clinical management can be enormously helpful.”
Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification and see if it meets your academic and professional goals. The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification as a grief counselor.
Grief is unique and reactions to grief and loss differ from person to person. Knowing family and friends is important in understanding how they grieve and react to loss. If we understand grieving patterns of family then we can better accompany them through grief and know when the time is to say or not say something. Due to the subjective reactions to loss, many multiple reactions can occur and no one can ever be completely sure of how someone will react. Still, there are certain ways the human species reacts to loss to give some blue print or guidance.
We are all familiar with the stages of grief, the reactions and phases one go through. We also know to limit grief to mere stages that go in order is wrong, but instead, grief while having various emotional reactions can have a unpredictable set of reactions in any order. Individuals experience grief in waves, oscillations, and in steps forward and steps back. The common emotions of numbness, sadness, anger, guilt and denial are the primary ones we see in the grieving but how these emotions are expressed differ from person to person.
Some grievers are extroverts and find healing and energy from without, while others grieve from within. A proper balance is sometimes needed.
Some individuals are extroverts, while others are introverts. An introvert will seek solace and quiet to dwell on the grief, to find the inner healing needed. Unfortunately, sometimes extreme introverts can seek to escape other human companionship and fall into isolation. Extroverts on the other hand cope and deal with grief through finding healing and energy from without themselves and seek counsel and discussion with others. This can be healthy but if without any inner balance can be fruitless in finally healing oneself. Balance is key. Avoidance of extremities in either introvert or extrovert behavior is important for ultimate healing.
Grieving styles still can differ in the way the individual thinks, acts, or feels. Some individuals are more cognitive, others more emotional and others more pragmatic. Sometimes how one reacts to grief is totally stereotypical and gender assigned. For example, saying only women will reactive emotionally is a blanket statement that is not true. Many men may be emotional as well, while other women may be very pragmatic in their grief reaction. It is important in grief counseling not to type cast a griever but to sojourn with the bereaved and see how their unique reaction grief surfaces and how they cope.
Cognitive grievers think through grief. This can be good and bad. Again balance is key. Cognitive individuals can cope better via reframing negative situations into positive ones, as well as look for cognitive answers through media and books to find solutions. They may also be more clear in their thinking during a loss. These benefits can be counter balanced though with individuals who express pain through pessimism or obsessive compulsive behaviors. Some may also become argumentative in their expression of grief or even suppress emotion.
Emotional grievers utilize emotion as the primary coping mechanism. In healthy fashion, they release sadness or anger and feel better. Releasing emotion is key in coping but also releasing negative stress from harming the body. However, on the flip side of the coin, emotional grievers can also become too depressed or sad and cease to be able to function. They may also unable to cognitively understand the process of grief itself.
Cognitive grievers can utilize thinking to cope with grief but overthinking can also be an issue
Pragmatic grievers or those who feel the need and call to act also have benefits and disadvantages. Those who are more pragmatic look to actions that can resolve situations. They can also utilize hobbies and work to help them go through the grief itself. They can also more easily utilize exercise to release negative emotions. However, hobbies and busy work help one but also emotionally harm by ignoring the loss and trying to hide from it. Many of them avoid talking about their grief and can become angry at those who wish to discuss the loss.
What one can see from these types of grief styles is that one there is good and bad that can come from each style but a better solution is a more balanced reaction to loss that allows one to think, feel and act as necessary. Again, we cannot impose certain standards on others, but if coping over a loss is becoming pathological, then one may seek to question one’s particular grief style.
Ultimately it is key for families going through grief to understand each other’s grieving styles and to be there for each other the best way they know how. In doing so, individuals can better heal at their own way and own pace without emotional damage.
Grieving styles should incorporate thinking, emotions and action. Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Program
If you would like to learn more about AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Program then please review it and see if it matches your academic and professional goals. The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification as a grief counselor.
Sources and Other Reading
The Unwanted Gift of Grief: A Ministry Approach by Tim P. VanDuivendyk
There are a variety of depressions that set in. Not all are a result of a direct loss. Major Depressive order is an example of an on going cloud of sadness with no direct correlation to any loss. It can be chronic or acute. Another type of depression is Bi-Polar disorder which has highs or manic states and lows or depressive states. Some states are not as severe such as hypomania, which help distinguish between Bi Polar 1 or Bi Polar 2.
Bi-Polar disorder however is sometimes harder to pin point than other types of depression especially in teens due to natural ups and downs. It also leaves teens and those in their early 20s very confused why they are fine sometimes and not fine other times. It is very important to diagnose this disorder to help individuals find balance again in life.
The article, “Bipolar disorder” from Mayo Clinic gives an detail description of Bi Polar Disorder and helps educate individuals who feel they may have it and need help. It definitely a good place to start looking for information. The article states,
“Despite the mood extremes, people with bipolar disorder often don’t recognize how much their emotional instability disrupts their lives and the lives of their loved ones and don’t get the treatment they need. And if you’re like some people with bipolar disorder, you may enjoy the feelings of euphoria and cycles of being more productive. However, this euphoria is always followed by an emotional crash that can leave you depressed, worn out — and perhaps in financial, legal or relationship trouble.”
It is hence important to find treatment for this difficult condition. So many relationships are ruined because of Bi Polar. A partner becomes confused by the flip flop personality and can find themselves one day on another’s good side then later their bad side. Having to deal with manic energy and desire to do things for a week only to be confused with depressive lack of energy the next can leave a partner confused and ready to even leave a relationship. The individual may also be confused and not fully understand.
In turn, they may look to spending binges, or even drugs and alcohol to help cope with depression or ride the mania. The individual may find themselves locked with a variety of financial issues, eating disorders or drug addictions due to the multiple swings in mood.
Bi Polar Disorder can be a cruel roller coaster ride for many. The manic and depressive states can cause destruction to emotional well being as well as relationships
Like any type of depression with no true cause due to loss, some may wonder how or why someone is Bi Polar. Most is genetic. If a direct relative had it, then there is a good chance it was passed on to the child. Many though when reviewing family histories choose to hide mental disorders. So if grandma or grandpa had it, is sometimes harder to recall. Only those who lived with them will truly know if they were manic or depressed. With such a stigma, family histories sometimes cannot find the source.
If you think you may be Bi Polar, Mayo Clinic lists a few conditions during both Manic and Depressive episodes
Bi Polar 1 is diagnosed with at least one manic and depressive episode. Unlike Bi Polar 2, the mania is more severe and can lead to even psychosis. Within the mania period, one experiences more energy to the point of exaggeration. More wild thoughts and impulses may present themselves and lead for some into dangerous and risky activities via sex or drugs. One can also experience a state of invincibility and euphoria not tied to reality.
Unfortunately, while some may enjoy this phase and feel empowered, it is followed by a crash of depression. Like all depression, it can last 2 weeks or longer but also possesses the same characteristics of boredom, fatigue, disinterest, or insomnia.
If one is experiencing these issues of back and forth manic and depressive episodes it may be time to talk to a trained licensed professional. Grief Counselors who are licensed can help diagnose and find treatment through a doctor, but if only certified, if someone illustrates these characteristics, it is time to refer a client to someone that is licensed. Most grief counselors are certified but can only deal with basic grief to loss, but once grief becomes more insidious and pathological, it is important that those who are not licensed counselors help their clients receive the help they need through a licensed professional. Again, many certified Grief Counselors are also licensed Counselors and can supply the help needed on the spot but bear in mind, most cases of Bi Polar do require some type of pharmaceutical response. Physicians and Psychiatrists can provide the needed prescriptions to help individuals. Herbal remedies can also play a role in helping stabilize but should not never be utilized without first talking to your healthcare provider.
Only a licensed health care professional can diagnose and help treat Bi Polar Disorder. Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification Program
If you would like to learn more about Grief Counseling or would like to become a certified Grief Counselor, then please review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification. The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification as a Grief Counselor.
Grief Counselors can play an important role in identifying pathological grief, and if licensed can provide even more assistance to those suffering from mental disorders such as Bi Polar Disorder.
Again you feel you are suffering from Bi Polar Disorder, do not wait for disaster in life, or continue to roll with the waves, but find the help you need to stabilize your life and the family around you.
When it comes to coping with grief there is not a one size fits all order. Many individuals cope differently due to the variety of different losses as well as differences within a person’s spiritual, mental, physical, social and emotional makeup. Still, eventually one can find something that works best for them. Different coping strategies exist and eventually something should work best.
What ways do you cope with grief? Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification Program
The article, “Dealing With Grief: 7 Coping Strategies, According to Experts” by Madeleine Burry lists 7 different ways one cope with a loss or at least help one through the grieving process. She states,
“You may not think about them this way, but you already use coping strategies in your day-to-day life—such as that extra-hard workout to relieve stress after a tough work deadline, or the phone call you make to a friend when your child is acting up and driving you crazy.”
Whatever coping methods work best for you, it is important to realize that grief is not a process that ends but is an ongoing process of living itself. Learning to live with grief is part of life and coping does not make it go away but only makes it easier to insert into one’s life.
Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification Program and see if it meets your academic and professional goals. The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification in grief counseling.
Depression is a difficult thing to deal and cope with. Many individuals do not know how to help others through depression and usually end saying the wrong thing. It is important to understand what depression is and how to help others through it.
Knowing what to say to someone who is depressed can be difficult. Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Training
The article, “The One Phrase You Should Avoid Saying To Someone Living With Depression” by Kendall Keith reviews how one should discuss depression with the depressed. The article states
“No matter how well-intentioned, people can offend those experiencing a depressive episode with insensitive or thoughtless advice. “Oftentimes, because of our own anxieties and distress, we go into ‘fix it’ mode when we know someone else is in distress, and we try to remove or eliminate what we see as the ‘problem,’” Abrams explains. “Because this becomes our focus and not our loved one’s needs right in that moment, we can really miss connecting emotionally with them and being present, which is often remarkably soothing.”
Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Training and see if the program matches your academic and professional goals. The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification
Loss is something we live with all our lives. We do not escape it. Even when we adjust and think we are OK, feelings and emotions can return. Since grief is tied to love, then this makes total sense that one would never completely recover from loss and grief. Grief remains in our life as a reminder of our love.
What is a grief monster in your life? Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification
The term grief monsters has been used frequently to describe these jabs and stings of grief that come to one. The thoughts to reflect on the loss, or the stringing reminder of a loss due to a scent, scene or place, can all inflict old memories and emotions tied to them. Holidays, empty seats and songs can also remind us. How we deal and cope with these grief monsters is important. We cannot run from them or see them as something naturally evil, but something that will be with us our whole lives
The article, “Five Tips for Living With a Grief Monster” from “What’s Your Grief” by Eleanor Haley takes a closer look at living with grief monsters. She states,
“Grief monsters come from the loss, but don’t mistake them for the loss itself. They didn’t cause the hole left in your life, and they don’t relish in your pain. They’re simply what happens when the chaotic jumble of thoughts, emotions, and memories about the past, present, and future come together. ”
Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification and see if it matches your academic and professional goals. The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification in Grief Counseling.
Anger plays a pivotal role in the grief process. Kubler Ross places it as the second step in the grief process after denial. Of course, steps and phases are not science, many experience anger first as well, or even later, but anger definitely plays a role in the process. For some, this emotion is more present in a loss depending on one’s own particular emotional makeup or the facts surrounding the particular loss. Someone who may lose a person to a drinking and driving accident may experience more anger than one who loses someone to natural causes. Others who are naturally more angry with life may lash out regardless. Hence the amount and degree of anger in the grief process varies.
Anger nonetheless if felt is an important emotional release. If one feels angry over a loss, it is important to express that anger in a conducive and healthy way. If one lets anger remain dormant and does not express it, then the grief process itself can stalled. Grief Counselors should encourage all emotional expression to be exhibited in a safe and constructive way.
Anger is a natural part of grief. Grief Counselors should allow the bereaved to express it. Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Program, as well as its Anger Management Program
Here are some things to consider regarding the circumstances of anger during the grief cycle. First, anger over injustice is very common. If the loss was due to drunk driving, a malpractice case, a crime, a foreign attack, or a preventable accident, then anger usually expresses itself early. Later the anger is turned into social reform or the seeking of justice. In the recent deaths of George Floyd, we see constructive anger over the death of Floyd put to societal change and police reform. Second, anger over personal difficult relationships occur. A death can result in anger if the person deceased was not always the best person. An abusive spouse, or a conflicting individual can leave someone with guilt and anger. Some cases of anger are completely due to the person being felt left behind or alone. A struggling widow may have resentment to a husband who did not take his health seriously. Or in some cases, individuals may have resentment in how the person died. Family members who have to deal with the fallout of a suicide victim, may feel resentment and anger as well.
In all these cases, it is important that anger is expressed properly and allowed to surface. Anger itself is can damaging to someone who allows it to ferment within the soul. It can lead to future issues and poor health. Hence it is important for counselors to help it come out in individuals. After the anger is released, individuals can then discover why they are angry and dismiss potential guilt issues or surrounding beliefs about the death of the individual.
Grief Counselors should also be aware that those in intense grief and experiencing anger lash out at others. They displace their grief. Displaced grief and anger is very common. Those angry may lash out at a variety of things or persons. In most instances, the person closest receive the emotional rage, but in other moments, counselors and friends may also experience the anger. In some cases, God is a scapegoat for anger. Those in intense grief can blame God for a loss and even begin to question their own faith and world views.
It is not uncommon for existential crisis and questioning of world views to occur for those suffering intense grief. Meaning of life is questioned and anger at authority is common. Those of faith usually rebound but the initial anger is part of their process of comprehending and experiencing the grief. Grief Counselors in these cases do not enter into a logical or philosophical debate about their faith but instead patiently listen and allow the bereaved to express their anger at their faith, God, or world view. After the person is able to better comprehend the true essence of his or her anger is one able to regain rationality. Yet, still, this process is critical for many in the grief process.
Grief Counselors should never take personal attacks to heart. Instead they need to understand in their training the nature of displacement and how an individual sometimes utilizes anger in their pain. Friends and family should also be patient with those who lash out in intense grief and not take emotional words personally. Patients and love are key for the bereaved. After emotion is permitted to display itself, then true healing and understanding can begin to occur, but the time has to be on the bereaved terms.
Grief requires expression. Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification and see if it meets your academic and professional goals
Anger hence is an important part of the grieving process. It may be unpleasant but it has purpose towards healing. It brings one ultimately to rationality and allows counselors to see the pain that may be preventing healing. In many cases, anger is also healthy for social reform.
The American Academy of Grief Counseling offers a certification in Grief Counseling. The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification in Grief Counseling. If interested, please review the Grief Counseling Certification program and see if it meets your academic and professional goals. Also, please review AIHCP’s Anger Management Consulting Program. The program is based on similar grounds and is also open to qualified professionals.
Other resources
AIHCP’s video on Anger Management, please click here”
Grief and Sympathy article, “Anger Stage of Grief-It is Normal-How to Move on”, please click here
How one copes is key to loss adaptation. Resiliency depends on coping strategies and the ability to incorporate them. This is far from easy and one must still walk the path of grief but proper coping can help one stay on the path and avoid potential complications within the grieving process.
How well do you cope with grief? Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification and see if it meets your professional goals
The article, “Dealing With Grief: 7 Coping Strategies, According to Experts” from Madeleine Burry of Healthline looks at 7 strategies that one can employ during grief and loss. She states,
“You may not think about them this way, but you already use coping strategies in your day-to-day life—such as that extra-hard workout to relieve stress after a tough work deadline, or the phone call you make to a friend when your child is acting up and driving you crazy. So when you’re grieving, experts advise that you lean on coping strategies too; they’ll help you weather the storm of emotional distress and physical symptoms associated with grief.”
How well one copes will greatly benefit one throughout life in any setting. Grief is no exception
Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification and see if it matches your academic and professional goals. The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification as a grief counselor.
