Should Grief Counselors Encourage Bonds Beyond the Grave?

Posted on by Dominick Flarey
The clash of metaphysics and empirical science the last two centuries has created two divergent
thoughts. One thought accepts an afterlife and the other denounces anything spiritual. Modern psychology as a science venerates the mind as a masterpiece of evolution while theology reveres it as a metaphysical organ that bridges the soul and the body. As Christian counselors and grief counselors, one will encounter two schools of thought concerning the deceased. One school emphasizing that visions are delusions or pathological conditions and the other school accepting the reality that bonds continue beyond the grave and our loved ones do and can communicate with us.

Grief Counselors and How They Should Deal with Continued Bonds of Clients

One agreement is certain between both schools of thought and that is that the Freudian view that attachments and bonds with the deceased is pathological is simply not true. Attachments are important and are never broken. One must readjust his or her life narrative without the loved one, but the importance of the bond continues. Whether one is from the metaphysical school of thought or the secular, one cannot dismiss this. Even the secular school would contend that the brain is helping the body cope with the loss and the cherishing of the bond as a memorial is healthy. From a metaphysical view though this bond is more than a mere memorial but an actual bond that is only temporarily broken and restored in the next life.
One may ask if these continued bonds with the grave ever pathological? The answer would be yes. Not all cases are truly metaphysical in nature. Some visions are indeed delusions and can even be pathological in nature due to complicated grief reactions. This is where discernment is very important and where faith must allow science to diagnose if any pathology is present. Regardless, metaphysical encounters usually bring peace and joy but sometimes can also bring sadness.
Some cases of continuing one’s bond remain in the realm of the five senses. Again some of these attempts to continue a bond are healthy and some are unhealthy. From a healthy perspective, many people keep various objects of a loved one or create a memorial. Some also begin various family traditions that honor the deceased. Yet despite these healthy continued bonds, others can form unhealthy bonds that become more like chains that imprison the living. These people become obsessively fascinated with objects of a loved one. Some individuals will cease to remove or touch anything of the loved one after his or her death. The person is unable to incorporate the event of death into his or her new life narrative. In these cases, one can on many occasions see a room of the deceased left completely the same as it was the day before the person died. The room becomes a “museum” for the deceased but in reality becomes a “mausoleum” for the living. In some extreme cases, the bereaved person may even wear the clothing of the deceased to help keep the connection at any cost. These severe cases represent an unhealthy example of a continued bond.

From this, I would contend that there is a benefit in continuing one’s bonds with the deceased. However inability to adjust to the new relationship with the deceased can cause pathological grief reactions that are not healthy. One must be able to move on to the next chapter of life. This does not mean the previous chapter of the story was not critical to the book, but it does mean, new chapters must be read to complete the entire book of life.
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Truth, Happiness and Morality in Christian Counseling

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

In Christian Counseling  it is important to point your spiritual children to truth–not necessarily happiness. When I say happiness, I mean subjective happiness. On numerous occasions, happiness poses as an illusion. While the initial feeling appears good, the ultimate ending is destructive. Subjective relativism proposes a variety of truths and what constitutes happiness varies with each person. While at the lowest level, happiness can correspond with individual like and dislike, happiness in its truest sense is an objective reality. It is objective in that it satisfies man’s every desire and end. What corresponds with this and leads to this?
Truth leads to happiness. This is what as counselors, one must lead their spiritual children too. Ultimate truth which is God and his moral law is the only way to the Beatific vision which is perfect happiness. While not correlating truth and happiness as one thing, we are pointing out that a certain way of life that corresponds with the source of truth and happiness which is God is necessary for man.
Socrates pointed out that for things to be done correctly, one must follow a proper

procedure. Shoemakers, sewers, and farmers for example all follow a certain way to produce their product. If they deviate from this, then failure is the end result. If they follow the procedure, then success and happiness follow. Socrates believed that there was a proper way of living as well. If we followed the proper procedure, then happiness would result.
Hence as a counselor, if we truly want to lead our clients to happiness, we sometimes have to state the truth even if it dampers their subjective ideals on what happiness is or what they think it should be.
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Mark Moran, MA

Helping One Find Forgiveness in Christian Counseling

Posted on by Dominick Flarey
One of the duties for spiritual directors or counselors is to help people find forgiveness. Within Catholic circles, this is usually accomplished sacramentally, while in Protestant circles it is accomplished in a more private manner. Regardless, in many cases, the person still may require counseling and need guidance in finding true forgiveness and ultimate healing.

Christian Counselors should look for these four elements

The first element in forgiveness is sincere confession and contrition. One must show a sincere effort not to sin again. This confession may be perfect or imperfect in regards to subjective motivation. Perfect contrition is sorrow for offending God, while imperfect contrition is fear of punishment. Regardless, both are sufficient for forgiveness and salvation, while the first is obviously the most sincere and the one that should be aimed for.
The second element is repentance. One must show a true intent to sin no more and carry out the necessary penance. If one truly attempts to change and alter his or her life, then the grace of the Holy Spirit is truly present in one’s conversion. If the person through human frailty falls back into the sin, then that person is to seek forgiveness again. Repetitious failure should become less and less as the person tries harder each time not to fall. Habitual vice become a huge issue here when counseling. Some moral theologians even contend that if one is trying very hard to escape vice and falls from time to time, then the culpability of the action is even lessened. The key is perseverance and fortitude.
The third element requires restitution. In some cases, especially sins against one’s neighbor, restitution may be necessary. This is especially the case with theft. One who seeks forgiveness must also fix the damage due to sin. Fortunately, in regards to Original Sin and personal sin, Christ has paid that price of restitution for us. In this regard, we bathe ourselves spiritually in the blood of Christ and through Baptism are made anew.
The final element of forgiveness involves forgiving others. As Our Lord commanded us, we are to forgive others if we ourselves are to find forgiveness.
Christian counselors need to help their spiritual children go through these stages of forgiveness and in some cases, reflect on their own spiritual life and see if they need spiritual renewal and forgiveness themselves.
Below is a Catholic prayer after confession. I feel it sums up the major elements of contrition and changing one’s life. I feel this prayer is beneficial to all Christians and not just Catholics alone.
“Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended you because I detest all my sins which I have committed because I dread the lost of Heaven and the pains of Hell, but most of all because they offend you my God, who is deserving of all my love, I firmly resolve with the help of your grace to confess my sins, to do penance and to amend my life. Amen.”

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By Mark Moran, MA

Christian Counseling Certification: The "Yes" of Mary and Advent Reflections

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Christian Counseling Certification: Christian Perspectives on Advent

Advent is spent preparing for the coming of Christ. It reflects the patriarchs of the Old Testament’s patience and endurance for the coming of the Messiah.  Christian Counselors can help their spiritual children prepare for Christmas by reflecting on this.
Another purpose of Advent is to mediate on the person who made it possible. This person is the Virgin Mary who at the Annunciation, proclaimed “yes” to God and Gabrielle.

From this we can appreciate that through her “yes” she became the new Eve who ushered in the new Adam. Through her acceptance of God’s will, mankind would find redemption.
We as Christians must follow Mary’s “yes” and accept our crosses and the will of the Father. While our end can never marvel that of Mary’s, our “yes” to the plan of the Father is equally loved and accepted by our Him. If everyone was to say “yes” as Mary did, then the world would be a greater place.
As we prepare for the coming of Christ, also let us focus on God’s plan for us.
If you are interested in our Christian Counseling Certification Program, then please review it.

Mark Moran, MA

Simon of Cyrene: A Model for Christian Counselors

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

The Story of Simon of Cyrene and how Christian Counselors Can Use It

The honor and prestige was not known to him. Nor the foreknowledge that the faithful would one day sing the stanza from the Stations of the Cross that his ”hesitation” was indeed a future “proud station” to be called upon “to bear the Cross of Christ”. None of these things swept through the frightened mind of Simon of Cyrene. He was a man of the country, suddenly thrown into a drama that not only involved Rome and Israel but involved the salvation of humanity with all the supernatural overtones between the forces of good and the forces of evil. All Simon knew is that he was forced to help this innocent and strange man carry the object of his death. He was to lessen the load of the cross that pierced Jesus’ shoulder and allow the weight of it to bear down upon his back; A gesture so small, but spiritually so great to the bloodied figure of Jesus who temporarily rested from the hideous weight of sin. Little did Simon know, he not only carried the load of his own personal sins but also the sin of Adam. This simple man only mentioned briefly in book of Mark, was called to a greater destiny than he could have ever imagined that sad day.  Christian Counselors can use much from this story for their spiritual children.

 

 In regards to a story so brief but a few lines, one can harvest a great deal of mediation and thought. This short essay will identify the role Simon played as a model for counselors and carriers of grief.
As a counselor, how many times does one see the affliction of the suffering? Does one simply watch as “Christ” falls before them or is one sprung to action, to help, to carry, and to comfort? It is true Simon felt this hesitation and in this we can proceed beyond him, but will we imitate his courage afterwards? Will we carry others as he carried the cross of Christ with compassion and strength? From this we realize that we must at times not only carry our own crosses in life, but must take an active role in carrying the crosses of others. Christ carried our cross as the ultimate example of self sacrifice. He carried our sins and our grief to Calvary. Simon’s ultimate honor was to partake in small part of that trek. In Christ, we see the ultimate success, but in Simon we saw the ultimate attempt. As broken creatures, Christ only asks for so little. He asks merely for sincere effort. He does not wish us, however, to sit and watch as others in grief fall, but to rise them up, to take their hand and help them carry their cross, even if it be for a little while.
Simon’s active role however is dualistic in merit. It was not only beneficial to fatigued and beaten Christ but was also beneficial to Simon’s salvation. Christ’s blood, sweat and tears are for Simon and by helping Christ, Simon partakes physically in the process of his own redemption. This is not by Simon’s merit nor is Simon the sacrifice. Simon’s role is merely helping Christ walk to Golgotha and in that he plays a small role in the redemptive process that is ultimately via Christ. At the time it is beyond the limits of Simon’s imagination that he is actually for a moment, carrying the grief of the world upon his shoulders; nor is it beyond his wildest dreams that angels stand around him in complete sorrow and agony crying at every drop of Christ’s precious blood. He does not see them stand in anxious upheaval to merely rush forward and carry the cross of Christ and lift it from his hands. But this is about God and man, not the fall of the angels. This concerns the role Simon plays as a representative of the fallen and the small favor man plays in serving Christ to the altar to be sacrificed. Christ as the perfect victim and priest will represent man as a perfect sacrifice and as God accept this sacrifice, but he will allow Simon to partake as a fellow representative of fallen man. Simon is far from the high priest of this sacrifice, but a mere server preparing the sacrifice for the priest to bless, consecrate and offer to the Father. In this, Simon not only helped prepare the sacrifice for humanity, but also prepared the great sacrifice for his own soul.
Besides the deep theological meditations that can be drawn from this and the personal merit gained by Simon, can this story also be applied to counselors of today? Is the case of Simon helping our Lord applicable universally to all people? Did not Christ say if you do it for the least of my brethren, then you did it for me? It is undeniable that when we help others carry their own crosses, albeit temporarily, we gain numerous grace and spiritual treasure as did Simon with Christ. In helping people carry their crosses, especially through the corporal and spiritual works of mercy, we then answer the questions of Christ regarding the least of our brethren. In carrying others, we carry our self, as Simon did for Christ. In this, Simon becomes a model to all Christian counselors. It is not enough to watch, but to partake and spiritually become involved in the redemption and care of one’s clients. It is a personal bond of mentorship, shared grief, and mutual growth. That is what separates a career from a vocation and that is what separated Simon from the apathetic crowd.
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By Mark Moran, MA

Christian Suffering and the Story of Job

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

 Avoiding the view that each book of Scripture is independent and written by men alone, the Church has always declared the entirety of Scripture to be an interconnected saga of God’s salvific plan for humanity. It is the Holy Spirit who illuminates the human writers and ties their thoughts together towards one divine plan that is centrally focused on the Christ event or the Incarnation. With such thoughts in mind, and dismissal of Modernist heresy and supposed “scholarly” interpretations of Scripture, I turn to the Book of Job and how it can be applied to Christian Suffering.

 The Book of Job is considered to be wisdom literature and the historic basis for it is subject to debate
within Christian circles. Whether the story is a history or not, however, is not a pertinent matter regarding the purity of the faith—as would be the case of the historicity of Adam, Moses, Jonah, or any other historic prophet. What matters most is its message. At first glance, the book shines light upon the issue of human suffering and misery. Its theodicy is not in depth nor does it attempt to bridge the enigma of an All Loving God who permits suffering. Those issues were later left for other theologians such as St. Augustine who would probe the philosophy of such things. Instead the book in its simplicity accepts a God who gives and takes and instead of questioning, merely accepts God’s omniscience in such matters. It points to the traditional view that suffering is a result of sin and one reaps what he sows in this life. This philosophy continues in Jewish circles today regarding earthly prosperity. Unfortunately, such overemphasis on temporal prosperity can find its roots from misconceptions from the speeches of Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar who propose that Job’s suffering was a result of reward/punishment system used by God. After Job’s many misfortunes, they attempted to console him but only hurt him more by their reproach that these misfortunes were due to sins. Job in turn declared he had committed no such sins and was a just man (as the text alludes) and proclaimed his innocence only to the irritation of his three friends. Hence enters a new philosophical thought on suffering – one that the human writer of Job could only hint at, but the Divine writer had already foreseen since the dawn of time. This theology on suffering was not simply a one layered element based upon sin, but also a theology that would elevate suffering to a supernatural level that would not correlate suffering with only sin but with redemption. These redemptive qualities were not seen by the human writer of Job within the context of the text, but the source of inspiration from the the Divine writer squarely pointed to Christ as the suffering servant. In this regards the Book of Job would lay foundations for Christological implications regarding Christ’s suffering and man’s redemption. Job became more than a tale about suffering, but a pre-figurement of Christ.

 Christian Suffering and the Old Testament

The whole idea of suffering and justice were tied together in the Old Testament. The death of Adam, the flooding of the world, the wandering in the desert, and the many miseries of Israel are all correlated with sinful actions. While sin is the source of suffering and the ultimate reason for the fall of man, the idea of suffering for purpose other than justice and judgment was foreign before the Book of Job. The author of Job presented an individual who was just before the Lord and did not deserve the sufferings that plagued him. Job, while far from stoic and controlling his anguish, never curses the Lord himself, but empathetically cries to God for answers, still loving him, but feeling and expressing the full effects of his unjust punishment. What benefit can come from this unneeded and unjust suffering? Was it merely a wager between God and Satan or was there more? Through Job’s unjust suffering and his offering and acceptance of it, Job elevates his suffering to a level of love; a love that proves his worth beyond mere observance of the law, but a love that sheds its own tears, blood and sweat. Job’s love for God becomes redemptive and his faithfulness is rewarded. A reward not based upon Old Jewish Law but a reward based solely on love—of a mutual loving covenant not a legalistic contract.
 With this theological view on suffering as a redemptive agent, one begins to see a Soteriology develop that corresponds with Christ’s unjust suffering, anguish, and death. Can one not see the Christ figure Job as a suffering servant as Christ was? Did not both cry to their father in their deepest anguish for him to reveal himself? Did not both refuse to allow the chalice of suffering to pass unless it was God’s will? Did not both suffer unjustly? Did not both ultimately rise from the ashes in the end? While Job is only a pre-figurement of Christ, one can see these resemblances. While it is obvious Christ was truly unspotted by sin and that his suffering was for the redemption of humanity, one can see in the story of Job, a foreshadowing of one who would elevate suffering to a new level and through his perfect sacrifice and unjust torture, would redeem humanity through suffering and death. It is with these thoughts that one can truly marvel at the intricate designs of the wholeness of Scripture in preparing the world for the Messiah who would not only suffer and carry our sins, but also teach us how to suffer with nobility, love and redemptive value.
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By Mark Moran, MA

Malnutrition in infancy leads to attention deficit disorder

Posted on by Dominick Flarey
Cute baby girl standing
Could malnutrition during infancy lead to ADHD?

A new study has shown there is a link between infant malnutrition and attention deficit disorder.  In adults studied with ADHD, they were all malnourished in their first year of life.  The same adults showed Attention Deficit problems throughout their school years as well.   An article by Barbara Diggs on nutraingredients.com has more.

Infant malnutrition increases risk of adult attention deficit disorder: Study

The article, “Infant malnutrition increases risk of adult attention deficit disorder: Study”, by Barbara Diggs states

“Malnourished infants are more likely to have attention deficits as middle-aged adults, despite subsequent long-term nutritional rehabilitation, according to new research.”

http://www.nutraingredients.com/Research/Infant-malnutrition-increases-risk-of-adult-attention-deficit-disorder-Study

Make sure you properly monitor your infant’s nutritional needs, you should not have to worry about attention deficit disorder.   If you would like to learn more about Attention Deficit Disorder, please visit our page.

Managing Your Stress

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

We encounter stress in our lives most everyday. It is a common denominator among all people. While stress abounds today, many people do not have any learned strategies to cope effectively with it. In this new book, the author does an excellent job in teaching us how to cope better. It is a wonderful addition to the ever growing literature on stress management.

This new work is an uplifting read. Learning to become more tranquil will go a long way in dealing effectively with stress and as an illness prevention strategy. To learn more about stress management, click here.

Stress Management: 7 Easy Ways to Relieve Stress

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Stress is a normal part of our lives.   It affects our personal and professional lives.   This is why Stress Management is an ever growing faucet of the workplace.   An article by By Amanda L. Chan from the Huffington Post gives us 7 ways to combat stress.

Man sitting at his desk suffering from stress.
Worker in need of stress management

Stress Management

The article, “Natural Stress Relief: 7 Ways To De-stress For National Stress Awareness Month”, by Amanda L. Chan states

“In case you haven’t heard (you know, because of all the stress in your life) — April is National Stress Awareness Month.”

For the full article from Huffington Post, please click here.

We can all agree relieving stress would remove a lot of problems in our daily lives.   Hopefully you can use the stress management techniques to help you become a more productive worker.
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How Stress Management Therapy Can Help

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Stress Management Therapy

Stress management therapy in it’s various forms, has the potential to do a lot of good in people’s lives. This is because stress can adversely effect our overall health for long periods of time, and have a large detrimental impact on our health during the course of our whole lives.
Many illnesses and ailments can be traced back to stress as a significant underlying cause. Increased stress levels can be a contributing cause or exacerbating factor to heart disease, irritable bowel syndrome, high blood pressure, frequent colds and many other illnesses.
Not only does stress effect us physically, but also mentally. The symptoms can limit people’s lives by causing them to avoid situations where triggers for their stress might arise. If an individual suffers from anxiety attacks or panic attacks, this can lead to them avoiding public places and becoming prisoners in their own homes.
Stress management therapy may not completely cure all the symptoms, or the underlying causes of the stress factors for everyone, but it can help people get to a stage where the effect of stress on their lives is diminished to levels where it is minimal. This will mean the impact on their lives from stress is vastly reduced, and both their physical and mental well being can improve dramatically.
It can encompass many types of proven techniques to help people suffering from stress to control and reduce the amount of stress they feel.

Stress Therapy Interventions

Relaxation therapy is one of the main forms of stress management therapy. This can help individuals feel relaxed in their normal daily lives, but it can also give the individuals a set of techniques that may help reduce their stress once the symptoms have been triggered. When a person feels a panic attack or an anxiety attack starting to occur, they can use relaxation techniques to head-off the problem before the symptoms culminate into a full-on attack.
Just as emotional stimulation can cause these attacks, there are relaxation techniques that can help manage them and prevent them from becoming a problem.
As mentioned earlier, these therapies do not only help at the time of the attack, but also help the patient be more relaxed during the course of their daily lives. A person who is in a relaxed state of mind is far less likely to suffer from these attacks. Relaxation therapy helps people reach this state of mind by simply teaching them how to relax. It sounds very simple, but during modern living we often forget how to relax. These therapies can give a person techniques to practice at home to help them maintain a relaxed and healthy state of mind.
There are many different therapies that come under the umbrella of relaxation therapy, some will be of far more benefit to one individual than to another, so different techniques can be used to tailor relaxation therapy to the individual.
Aversion therapy can also help. Some people self-medicate with various substances to help them cope with their stress. Aversion therapy helps them by forcing the mind to associate the addictive substance with a negative stimulus.
Therapy which uses a positive stimulus to help someone associate that with desirable behavior can also help. This is similar to aversion therapy in the way it works, but rather than a negative stimulus being used to prevent undesirable behavior, a positive stimulus is used instead to reinforce desirable behavior or feelings. This can help the mind change the way it feels about the triggers of your stress, and associate them with something pleasant.
Hypnosis can also help, this causes the mind to be “reprogrammed” on a subconscious level, which can both reduce stress and reduce the symptoms and frequency of the attacks themselves.
There are many more techniques that can be used. All of them can help a person manage their stress to prevent it becoming a problem. Some people turn to a pharmaceutical solution for their stress, this can help but it is only a short-term fix. It does not teach people how to manage their stress. Prescription drugs also often have serious side effects that can cause problems in other areas of your life, as well as health problems.
A comprehensive program to help people with their stress, is the best solution to the problem. If you suffer from anxiety attacks, panic attacks or other forms of stress, stress management therapy can make a major positive influence on your life.  To learn about stress management education courses, access here.