Loss is part of life.  Everyone experiences loss eventually but unfortunately those who have yet to experience a significant loss sometimes are the least to understand it.  They may be well intentioned but they create greater havoc in inept words or actions.  They actually cause more damage by their words.

Grief and loss will eventually find them and only then will they truly understand the folly of what they thought.  Even those trained in Grief Counseling who never experienced serious loss, cannot truly fathom the feelings of loss and despair.  Even they, sometimes need grief counselors and peer groups.

It is hence very important to treat the grieving with a great respect.  It involves acknowledging their grief and in some cases, sojourning with the individual.  No trick or fancy phrase can cure their grief, but time, patience and a helping hand can help make the load less.   Grief Counselors should not look to cure grief because it cannot be cured.  Only the restoration of the loss can cure grief.  It is because of this reality that Grief Counseling is more about helping one understand loss, identify the issues of a specific loss and learn to cope with that loss, while helping the person integrate the loss into one’s life.  Loss is not removed from life but it is better understood and placed in one’s life.

This may not be what many wish to hear about grief.  Maybe some hope the pain will go away or they will forget, but love and beauty that is lost can never be forgotten.  Love continues in grief when the beloved is no longer present.   This is a true reality of the fallen world and the mentality one must have if they wish to help those in grief.

Below are a few tips for those in Grief Counseling.  A few “dos” and “do nots” in aiding someone who is going through a loss.

If helping someone after a loss, it is best to listen and be there, not necessarily say the “right” thing.  In fact, there probably is not a right thing that can said but only avoiding the wrong thing to say.

Many phrases can cause more damage.  Here are a few statements to avoid and why.

The statement, “I know what you are going through”.  This statement belittles the current grief and begs the question, do you really know what someone else is feeling?  Grief while universal is also unique.  The grief situation is not about you but the person in grief.  So while shared discussions can help, it is not the initial conversation that should be utilized but something when the person is less emotional and more open to discussions about the loss.    Later it may be best to share an experience but never to assume you know what someone is feeling.

Another statement of error is  any statement that starts with the words “At least”.  This minimizes loss.  Some good intentioned individuals may say well “at least your father lived a long life”.  Does this truly settle the problem of the loss itself?  One’s father is now dead.  The loss is real whether the father lived a long life or not.  Instead, it is best to acknowledge the loss and offer condolences.

Good intention statements can cause more problems than good on many occasions.  Another example includes religion.  Some may say, “Well its was her time” or “God wanted his angel” or “she is in a better place”.  To the griever, no time is good to lose a loved one.   It can also produce an anger against God for taking one’s loved one.

Some statements are not good intentioned at all and can be nasty.  Statements as “It is not a big deal” or “you are overreacting it was just a cat” can all cause immense harm to the griever.  Downplaying one’s grief does not help one overcome it but only inflames the pain.  Again, acknowledgement of the grief at any level is key to helping the person express it.

Another classic statement is “you are strong, you will get over it”.  This equates strength with not expressing or feeling pain and can be detrimental to one facing the grief.  Statements that tell individuals they “need to be strong now” do not help them overcome grief.  Instead, it forces them to hide the grief and put on a false mask that does not seek help.

Statements that acknowledge grief and the feelings are the most important.  Statements that produce condolences and heartfelt cries are the most critical.  Sometimes, no statement is needed but a long loving hug to a friend at a funeral.  In other ways, actions are better than words.   Cards, flowers, sending dinner, or helping with house work can play a big role.   Taking time to just sit and listen to the bereaved is sometimes the best thing anyone can do for a friend.

Individuals are either terrified of death, avoid it at all costs, and have never experienced it.  They have no way or understanding how to approach it especially when confronted with it when a family member or friend experiences it.  This can lead to many awkward situations that cause more hurt than help.

If you would like to learn more in how to the help the bereaved, please review the American Academy of Grief Counseling’s Grief Counseling Certification.  The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification.

Other resources include

“Whats Your Grief”  blog article, “What to Say to Someone Whose Father or Mother Died”   – Please click here

AIHCP’s Video,”Helping Those in Grief”  Please click here

“Whats Your Grief” blog article, “What to Say to Someone Who is Grieving”  Please click here

“Help Guides” article, “Helping Someone Who’s Grieving”  Please click here

Tonkin’s display of grief is more accurate in describing how grief does not shrink, but we grow and our life learns to grow around it.  Grief does not get smaller or shrink, but remains the same size but it can become less of an impact as we adjust in our life.

The article from What’s Your Grief, “Growing Around Grief” illustrates these concepts with various diagrams.  The article states,

“The grief and loss never felt smaller, but her life slowly felt bigger.  It grew around her loss. Her grief was always there, as large as ever, and she still spent time within it. As her life had slowly expanded around her loss, she was now able to experience life in the larger part of the circle as well. With this, the ‘Growth Around Grief’ concept was born.”

To read the entire article, please click here

Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification and see if it matches your academic and professional goals.  The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification in Grief Counseling

In the meantime, we should all understand that grief and loss do not become less because our love cannot become less but we do learn to grow around our grief and the sharp impact becomes less as we grow and adjust.

Sometimes individuals may not be aware they are suffering from depression.  The fog and fatigue do not compute internally that they are depressed.  This is because most associate depression with cause and effect.  If nothing bad has happened, how can I be depressed?  The reality is depression is sometimes chemical and one can become stricken with it without a cause.  Individuals can help others better face hidden depression by being aware of the behaviors displayed.

Individuals for multiple reasons also look to hide their depression. Introverts especially do not like to share emotions and will try to hide symptoms.

To learn more or to become certified in Grief Counseling, then please review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification Program and see if it meets your academic and professional goals.  The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification as a Grief Counselor

John Bowlby was a revolutionary pioneer in the study of grief.  His observations and experiments on infant dependency and bonds with the parent were important studies for his Attachment Theory.  In essence, the greater the attachment and stronger the bond, the greater the loss and readjustment.

In particular, his four step process of the grief process was important in understanding loss.  Shock, yearning, despair and disorganization and finally re-organization and recovery were the four primary steps that he observed individuals progress through during a loss.

In the article, “What is Attachment Theory? Bowlby’s 4 Stages Explained” by Courtney Akerman, MA, Bowlby’s four step process is looked at in greater detail.  The article states,

“The psychological theory of attachment was first described by John Bowlby, a psychoanalyst who researched the effects of separation between infants and their parents (Fraley, 2010).  Bowlby hypothesized that the extreme behaviors infants engage in to avoid separation from a parent or when reconnecting with a physically separated parent—like crying, screaming, and clinging—were evolutionary mechanisms”

To review the entire article, please click here

In understanding grief, it is important that grief counselors are very familiar with Bowlby’s work and how attachment plays a key role in the loss process.  Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification and see if it matches your academic and professional goals.  The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification in Grief Counseling

Grief is a very misunderstood subject.  Many who attempt to help, in reality, do more damage with misused words or good intended phrases.  Grief is different for different people, and although there are universal standards within the human species, it still remains unique to each person.

Misconceptions of grief hence need to be replaced with good sound grief theory.  Individuals need to be more educated in how grief works since everyone experiences grief and noone is immune to it.  In the end, the reality of grief captures everyone and once felt misconceptions are quickly dispersed

The article, “6 Common Misconceptions About Grief” by Elaine Roth explores common misconceptions and corrects them.  She states,

“When I thought of grief before, I thought of a person crying at the funeral. I thought of a person wearing black for a few weeks. I thought grief could be summarized as big sadness. But that’s wrong. Grief isn’t just big sadness. It’s sadness and anger and anxiety and heartache and longing and nostalgia and hope all wrapped into one word. It’s often all of that at once.”

To read the entire article, please click here

Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification and see if it matches your academic and professional goals.  The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification in Grief Counseling.

Any type of change in life requires adjustment.  The loss of a previous style of life can cause grief.  While it is important to reframe new experiences and change as part of life and a new beginning it can sometimes be difficult.  This is often the case when children go to college, or when individuals complete college and enter into the professional world.  There is a true loss of a past way of life which may take time to adjust to and in some cases can cause depression

The article, “Post-College Depression: Why You Feel Lonely” by Emily Delzel looks at the transition from college to career life.  She states,

“The sadness, loneliness, and anxiety that Baker felt after her college graduation are uncomfortable but not uncommon, says Libby O’Brien, PhD, a licensed professional counselor and American Counseling Association expert.”

To read the entire article, please click here

Any life change can alter one’s perspective on life.  When transitions occur, one can feel lonely and old friendships may become distant.  These types of losses can minimized but they still bear a weight on someone.

Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification Program and see if it matches your academic and professional goals.  The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification in Grief Counseling.

Different cultures have different experiences with loss and grief.  African Americans and other racial minorities also face a variety of social grief especially within the last few years in regards to the value of Black Life.  It is important to understand that one treatment of grief does not fit every person and culture and race play a big role how individuals grieve and the losses they potentially face.

The article, “How People of Color Experience Grief Differently” from Birmingham Times looks at the fears and losses for the black community.  The article states,

“For many people of color, the fear, exhaustion and constant grief that all come from regularly dealing with various forms of discrimination are compounded when additional trauma piles on.”

To read the entire article, please click here

People of color fear losses that other populations may not fear due to economic situations, police interaction and violence.  These losses lead to a life that is very guarded.  To understand the individual, it is hence important to understand what the race faces everyday

Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification and see if it matches your academic and professional goals.  The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification in Grief Counseling.

It is easy to displace emotion.  When it is more convenient, or less impactful, one may become angry with someone who is not the cause of the irritation.  When grieving, it is sometimes also easier to take it out on the person presenting the bad news.  Like all defense mechanisms, they can happen at the unconscious level.

It is important to understand emotion and grieving and when helping others, to expect a displacement of emotion.  It is important to be understanding and ready to forgive when one acts emotionally during grief.

The article, “Understanding Displacement While Grieving” from Eleanor Haley and “Whats Your Grief” takes a closer look at displacement and how to deal with it as the griever and the one supporting the griever.  The article states,

“Sometimes the displacement is obvious – you know exactly when and why it is happening. Other times you just find yourself being more irritable, annoyed, or angry at the people around you, even when they have done nothing wrong. It can be complicated because often your rational-brain knows that they haven’t done anything, while your emotional-brain can’t help but lash out. ”

To read the entire article, please click here

When dealing with emotions, it can become complicated and it is important as grief counselors to know that people react differently to grief and an array of emotions can flow.  Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification and see if it meets your professional goals.  The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification in Grief Counseling.

Grief is a reaction to any loss.  Sometimes this loss is focused on death but injuries and loss of capabilities or limbs are also a loss that many deal with daily.  Losing a limb is tragic and is a loss that involves a long adaptation period.  Numerous secondary losses stem from the initial trauma and pain.

Phantom pains can haunt one well after the initial accident, as well as emotional distress.  The inability to do walk, or hold things, or do things prior the accident haunt the individual.  Hobbies, activities and other events become cold memories of a life once was.  In addition to this, one’s own self image and self esteem can be affected.  Feeling less than whole and new forms of transportation or clothing may be required.  These changes can cause grief and in some cases depression.

It is difficult to cope with such a loss but not impossible over time.  As the grief of the loss is adjusted, one can begin to find new meaning.  This does not mean, one accepts the loss as a good thing, it just means the person has incorporated this unfortunate incident into one’s life narrative and now is looking to find new ways to exist with a disability.  Not just learning to make life easier through therapy, strengthening and new technology, but also seeing what other opportunities exist.

The article, “Limb Loss and Grief: 5 Coping Strategies for New Amputees” by Richard Console Jr takes a closer look at the grief of limb loss and how some can learn to cope.  He states,

“Why does grief often accompany an amputation? Feelings of grief can arise from any kind of meaningful loss – and the loss of a limb certainly counts. In the case of amputation, the absent body part itself isn’t the only loss you suffer. Amputation also leads to many other kinds of losses.”

To review the entire article, please click here

Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification and see if it matches your academic and professional goals.  The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four certification as a grief counselor.