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Should Grief Counselors Encourage Bonds Beyond the Grave?

Posted on by Dominick Flarey
The clash of metaphysics and empirical science the last two centuries has created two divergent
thoughts. One thought accepts an afterlife and the other denounces anything spiritual. Modern psychology as a science venerates the mind as a masterpiece of evolution while theology reveres it as a metaphysical organ that bridges the soul and the body. As Christian counselors and grief counselors, one will encounter two schools of thought concerning the deceased. One school emphasizing that visions are delusions or pathological conditions and the other school accepting the reality that bonds continue beyond the grave and our loved ones do and can communicate with us.

Grief Counselors and How They Should Deal with Continued Bonds of Clients

One agreement is certain between both schools of thought and that is that the Freudian view that attachments and bonds with the deceased is pathological is simply not true. Attachments are important and are never broken. One must readjust his or her life narrative without the loved one, but the importance of the bond continues. Whether one is from the metaphysical school of thought or the secular, one cannot dismiss this. Even the secular school would contend that the brain is helping the body cope with the loss and the cherishing of the bond as a memorial is healthy. From a metaphysical view though this bond is more than a mere memorial but an actual bond that is only temporarily broken and restored in the next life.
One may ask if these continued bonds with the grave ever pathological? The answer would be yes. Not all cases are truly metaphysical in nature. Some visions are indeed delusions and can even be pathological in nature due to complicated grief reactions. This is where discernment is very important and where faith must allow science to diagnose if any pathology is present. Regardless, metaphysical encounters usually bring peace and joy but sometimes can also bring sadness.
Some cases of continuing one’s bond remain in the realm of the five senses. Again some of these attempts to continue a bond are healthy and some are unhealthy. From a healthy perspective, many people keep various objects of a loved one or create a memorial. Some also begin various family traditions that honor the deceased. Yet despite these healthy continued bonds, others can form unhealthy bonds that become more like chains that imprison the living. These people become obsessively fascinated with objects of a loved one. Some individuals will cease to remove or touch anything of the loved one after his or her death. The person is unable to incorporate the event of death into his or her new life narrative. In these cases, one can on many occasions see a room of the deceased left completely the same as it was the day before the person died. The room becomes a “museum” for the deceased but in reality becomes a “mausoleum” for the living. In some extreme cases, the bereaved person may even wear the clothing of the deceased to help keep the connection at any cost. These severe cases represent an unhealthy example of a continued bond.

From this, I would contend that there is a benefit in continuing one’s bonds with the deceased. However inability to adjust to the new relationship with the deceased can cause pathological grief reactions that are not healthy. One must be able to move on to the next chapter of life. This does not mean the previous chapter of the story was not critical to the book, but it does mean, new chapters must be read to complete the entire book of life.
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Grief Counseling – What is it and how can it help

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Grief counseling is in high demand today. The loss of someone close to you is a painful experience and can create many emotions such as anger, shock, sadness and guilt. Within this period, you may feel as if these emotions may never let up and come to an end. Loss is a tough thing to handle but it is something that most of us will have to face several times within our lives. These feeling are often categorized as grief and you may find it challenging to move past this phase alone. For such instances, it is recommended that you seek grief counseling.

 What is grief counseling?

Grief counseling is a type of theory that focuses on a person or people suffering from the feelings of grief and helps them get through their feelings. Often, grief counseling takes place with a group of people as opposed to individually as working through this process with loved ones will often help this process. The most common reasons that require grief counseling come after a death of a loved one; however it is not uncommon for people to seek this form of therapy after a divorce, the loss of a job, or the diagnosis of a serious disease, such as cancer and more. In any of these situations, grief counseling works to help that person or people cope with their emotions.

 Grief counseling in groups

As mentioned, grief counseling often takes place in a group setting. This is because the involvement of your peers, who can better understand what a person is going through, will minimize the feelings of isolation that is prevalent among grief stricken people. An added benefit is also that your friends and family will be able to stay with you outside of the sessions, something that a counselor is not able to do.

 What are the goals of grief counseling?

The main intent of this therapy varies depending upon the person and situation. The end goal is to best help that person recover emotionally from the particular situation. This form of counseling does not attempt to change what that person feels they want or need, however they do attempt to console and support that person as they are dealing with their intense emotions. More often than not, the simple act of talking about the situation will go a long way in helping a grief stricken person recover. For this reason, a therapist’s main intent is to accompany that person and encourage them to talk about what is going through their head. Getting that person to talk about it and having someone listen and converse with them about is the main role of a grief therapist.

 I am suffering from grief, how will counseling help me?

When a person looses someone close to them, or they go through an emotionally intense situation, they will often receive a lot of attention from their friends and family. After a few weeks, however, those people will be ready to move on with their lives even though that person may not yet be ready to. This is where grief counselors play an important role. Today, most of the theory behind grief counseling is based on the work of Elizabeth Kubler Ross, a famous Swiss psychiatrist who was able to identify the different stages of grief that a person will go though. Her findings showed that grief is not a straight line process and is not easily understood by the people who are not also going through the same feelings. This makes it difficult for a grieving person to find the full support they will need from friends and family members alone. Grief therapists are trained to work with and identify the stages of grief that a person may be going through and is better able to walk them through the entire process over the course of several weeks or months.
If you are suffering through feelings or grief, or know someone that is, it is important to seek some form of grief counseling as it is the best way to get through your emotions in the most healthy way possible. It is important to surround ones self around loved ones and continuous communication between the two parties will go a long way in helping that person recover from such emotions. You may also consider learning more about grief and strategies to deal with it. There are online grief counseling courses you can take to expand your knowledge in this area of specialty care.

Certification In Grief Counseling and Models of Grief

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Grief Counseling and the Models of Grief

As a grief counselor , a pastoral thanatologist , or a spiritual counselor one should be aware of the natural psychology of human grief.  The fundamental aspect of grief is loss.  This is the reality of the human condition.  Within this condition, the happiest moments, most beloved persons, most treasured objects, and desired outcomes are all temporary in this plane of existence.  Anything gained can be taken within a moment; the rich man and his countless millions can be stolen in the night by the thief, the loving husband can lose his devout wife to the careless swerve of a drunk driver, or a great athlete can have his career ended with a sudden snap of his leg.   Happiness in this fallen world is always balanced by the cruel joke of loss.  Grief is the response to this loss and the reaction to loss of attachment.  While subjective responses vary, the human condition universally and objectively reacts in a general manner or fashion.  The following lists some of the general reactions that are common but not always particular to most people.

Grief Counseling Kubler Ross’ Five Steps

Kubler Ross is one of the preeminent scholars and pioneers of the psychology of grief.  Her five step model has served as one of the most trusted guides to following the trajectory of grief.  The first step according to Kubler Ross is denial.  The second step is anger.  The third step is bargaining.  The fourth step is depression or mourning.  The final step is acceptance.  Within the normal grief cycle these primary steps should be accomplished within the first couple months-although the more intense the attachment, the greater the mourning process.  In some cases, complicated grief can result when the depression state lingers well beyond the average grace period.    Within Kubler Ross’ process of normal grief, one can see a natural progression to mourning and final acceptance.  Within that acceptance comes the remedy for healing where the event or loss is recognized and the soul can finally begin to form new meaning regarding its life’s narrative.  In addition to this, following acceptance, the person can then better relocate and integrate the memory of the lost person into his or her life story.

Grief Counseling and Worden’s Four Tasks

Another process is Worden’s Four Tasks.  Again one can see a similar paradigm that traces human emotion.  The primary difference is only the purpose of the process.  This was created primarily for grieving widows that Worden counseled and treated for depression.  Yet, his four tasks still can be applied to any human loss.  Worden’s first task is to accept the reality. A widow who would have reached the first task here would have naturally gone through the process described by Kubler Ross to reach this point.  The second task is to work through the grief.  Just because acceptance has entered into one’s heart regarding a loss, one cannot deny the continuing grief that permeates one’s essence.  The grief is unpredictable.  Like the harsh winds and torrents of a storm, sometimes it falls harder, while on other occasions, there seems to be a momentary ease, only again to resume the heavy downpour.   This is the nature of the grief process, it has troughs of up and down that cannot be dismissed, ignored or wished away.  As Worden believed, they must be faced even in the darkest hour and worked through.  This process is necessary for the soul to mourn, and if not a complicated grief, a process that eventually, while never gone, becomes bearable.   Although the sharp pain of grief subsides, one cannot deny the numb reminders of loss.  One cannot deny this.  Even after a decade, would one not weep at the tombstone of a loved one?  Yet the pain felt is controlled, it is understood, and it is not pathological.  There may even be a moment of happiness and realization that the loved one is in a better place.  The third step proposed by Worden is adjustment.  Adjustment is the temporary period of transition where the person re-writes their life story and readjusts the future chapters of their life.  These new chapters do not dismiss the past chapters of loss, but encompass them and interweave them into their present and future.  Adjustment is a difficult period where sad reminders of loss may appear from time to time, but life is adjustment.  If something fails to adjust, it becomes extinct.  Hence adjustment is an important phase in re-writing one’s life and creating a new future.  Worden’s final phase included relocation of the person lost.  This is simply emotional acceptance that the person is physically gone but their memory never leaves.  They are forever in the heart of the lover and forever cherished and placed in a different mode of existence.  From a theistic tradition, the person is never gone, but still present but in a different way.  This ideal completely divorces itself from the Freudian view of complete separation.  The loss is always part of you, it is not a pathology, but is a critical part of who one is.  True one does move on, but in a healthy fashion with a new life story with new chapters that are contingent upon the past chapters.

Grief Counseling and Bowly’s Process

Other grief guides encompass the same idea. Bowlby’s process of mourning includes preoccupation, disorganization and reorganization.   Lindermann’s involves acceptance, adjustment and forming new relationships.  Finally Rando’s six “R”s captures the same ideal with the following words of “Recognize, React, Recollect, Relinquish, Readjust, and Reinvest”.  In all of these one can see the same general theme that grief is a reaction to loss and that the human heart goes through a general phase of mourning, acceptance, adjustment, and reorganization.
In conclusion, grief counselors should become aware of these phases.  They can combine or utilize whatever system they feel is best for their patient.  These systems are very good guides on general human behavior but are not concrete infallible guides for every individual.  With that in mind,  grief counselors should realize that these systems are merely guides and that each human being is unique and deserves unique care.
If you want a certification in grief counseling, then please review the program.  Those  who want a certification in grief counseling can enhance an already flourishing professional career.
By Mark Moran, MA

Grief Counselors and How They Deal with Suicide Issues

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

The effects of suicide on surviving members is great.  Beyond acute care, looming psychological issues can hover above the friends and family of the victim.
As Christian counselors and grief counselors, one is looking for abnormal signs of grief that goes against the normal grief reactions. These abnormal trajectories of grief can lead to later 

complications that include depression, loss of faith, survivor guilt or another potential suicide.
Family members need to acknowledge they were powerless to stop the suicide.  They need to look to God for healing and not blame themselves.  Guilt can easily seap into the conscious mind of the family member and this can lead to a variety of issues.  Some guilt can also be directed to ambivalent feelings that may have existed between the victim and the family member before the suicide.  These issues need to openly discussed and let out or they can fester inside.  Another issue is loss of meaning. After suicide, the devastation and lack of rationale and can lead a family member down a dark path.  The family member may question faith or wonder how this can possibly fit into his life narrative.  As a counselor, you want to guide the person to these answers.  This may lead to spiritual questions or meanings of life itself.  In the end, the suicide while a scar in one’s life story must be integrated into it.  Another emotion to be aware of is fear.  Some dependent family members may become quite fearful and worried about the future or who will care for them. These situations need to be resolved as well with the church and other family members.
Post suicide checkup for the family should include observation for all these issues.  Family group sessions should also be included where the family can talk among themselves and a counselor can observe interaction and danger signs for some family members who are not recovering.
The primary goal is to give the family a sense of wholeness, both physically and spiritually.  Despite the crosses and sadness that befall us in life, through God, faith and sometimes a helping hand, one can move on in this valley of tears with optimism and hope towards the final end which is with God.

Grief Counseling Program: Suicide and Grief Counseling

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Grief Counseling and Suicide

The deepest element of suicide is despair and is something Grief counseling should watch out for. The Church for ages condemned this action as the unforgivable sin or the sin of Judas, but modern research has shown many suicides result not 

due to merely a loss of hope but also various mental maladies. With this in mind, pastoral care and grief counseling ideas have shifted within the church. No longer condemning and forbidding Christian burial, the church now compassionately prays for the soul of the departed and focuses on healing counseling techniques for the suffering family. The same important techniques need to be applied towards those who attempt to take their life. Suicide prevention and post suicide counseling is an important element in pastoral and Christian counseling. AIHCP offers courses for certification in Christian counseling, Grief Counseling and Christian grief counseling with special emphasis on pastoral response to suicide. If you feel a calling to help those in the deep despair and hope to bring ministry in this field to your parish or church, this certification may be helpful.

 

Grief Counseling and Prolonged Grief

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Grief Counseling has to treat prolonged grief different than regular grief reactions.  While Bowlby’s ideas on attachment theory were originally designated for infants and their primary caregiver, the idea of attachment and the forming of bonds are still very important elements in how one will respond to a loss of a loved one.  In regards to complicated grief, its trajectories can lead to numerous pathological issues that need professionally addressed, however, surprisingly most people respond with resiliency to grief within the first six months.  Only 15 percent of the population experience complicated or prolonged symptoms.  Still, this number nevertheless represents a large number because everyone experiences loss.  With this in mind, treatment of prolonged grief is essential.

Grief Counseling and the Function of Sadness

The emotion of sadness serves two functions. In previous articles, we discussed how it allows the person time to reflect, meditate and heal from the loss.  This enables the person to find new meaning in one’s life narrative.  Secondly, we pointed out that sadness also manifests itself physically to awaken others to one’s needs of emotional support.  These components of the emotion of sadness are all natural and essential in normal grieving, but can become malignant to one’s emotional health if prolonged.
It is important to note that prolonged grief differs from depression.  In depression, one loses self esteem and feels emptiness due to no physical or mental stimuli but prolonged grief is an acute response to loss.  Prolonged grief is a desperate and painful yearning for the loss object.  It is an obsessive fixation that can find no value in anything else.  It is a haunting pain that finds only the ghosts of the deceased or loss.  It is also associated usually with guilt and lack of esteem in regard to the person and the deceased.  False notions breed within the mind, producing more intense yearnings that cannot even find joy in past memories.  These unhealthy attachments can also be intensified with people who were more economically or emotionally dependent upon the deceased.
Grief Counselors and other professional counselors can help those with prolong grief.  One treatment is exposure treatment.  Exposure treatment forces the person to face his or her pain and talk about the most painful aspect of the relationship with the deceased.  It is through this that counselor and patient can talk together about what the person feels is bothering them.  It is the hope of the counselor to find out if any false notions exist within the patient during this session.  Feelings of guilt, anger, or lack of self esteem can all be identified and addressed.  In addition to this, the counselor will eventually set up goals for the person.  Usually people who suffer from prolong grief have become reclusive.  The  grief counselor will try to push the person into the social settings to form new interests and attachments.  The purpose is not to eliminate the past attachment, but to help create a healthy adapted bond with the deceased.  The person should be able to integrate the loss of the deceased into his or her life narrative but also write new chapters and find happiness in other things.
While these things are crucial it is important to note two things.  First medication may also be applied.  In these cases, medical professionals need to be involved and second, since it is complicated grief, the grief counselor should be working in accordance with a LPC.  Of course, if the grief counselor is already an LPC, then this is all the better.
If you would like to learn how to become a certified Grief Counselor, then please review.
By Mark Moran, MA

Grief Counseling Certification: Grief Counselors and Traumatic Loss Effects On Society

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Traumatic loss affects the social structure.  Since we are social creatures by nature, the butterfly effect blows through the winds of life and affects every aspect of humanity.  Katrina, 911, and the latest Tsunami in Japan all reflect this as every corner of the Earth viewed the destruction from these events.  With these aspects in mind, grief counselors are called upon not only to treat victims but also bystanders who are scarred by the horrific sights and stories they witness in person or on television.

Themes Grief Counselors Can Face

A few themes noticed by experts include the following social ideas on how grief effects society.  First, the minimizing tendency to deny the possibility of traumatic events happening to oneself.  One is only to soon to proclaim, “This cannot happen to me”.  This leads to the dangerous idea and theme of how well unprepared people are for traumatic events.  One can especially see this in the case of government reactions.  It also shows that governments are far from void of emotional response as any other person would be.  Also one can see government response is not spared from classism and racism in its response. Another developing theme effecting society is the fact that death imprint is more universal and far reaching than ever before due to internet, television and up to date news.  During WWII, campaigns and victories were heard after the event, but today, one can witness the battle as it is fought.  Another theme is the fact that people socially accept natural catastrophes quicker than they do human caused pain.  Ideas of violence and genocide strike the human heart greater than the roar of a hurricane. Finally, one can also see a social theme addresses the importance of ritual.  When various rituals of burial are denied during massive catastrophes with great death, the grief recovery of an individual can be compromised.
All of these social implications point towards a variety of issues that can lead to complicated forms of grief not only in victims but also bystanders.  Grief counselors, social workers and other emergency relief workers should be aware of these things when helping those that are victims to great grief caused by nature or man. If you are interested in a grief counseling certification, please review our program.
Mark Moran, MA

Certified Grief Counseling and Oscillation

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

The idea of oscillation is new to Grief Theory and  certified Grief counseling in that in incorporates happy states of reprise from sadness until the mind and soul are ready to encounter the sadness again.  This up and down process continues until severity and regularity gradually decrease and the person is able to cope better and adapt to everyday living. The West has for sometime been cautious of such feelings because it was thought to be a state of denial but modern psychological findings are discovering that people do indeed go through ups and downs during the grief

process.  This is not to dismiss stage theory as a useful analysis of the grief process but it does point that stage theory does have some inaccuracies in describing the universal phenomenon of grief.  In fact, many people do not even follow the chronological stages of grief.  The paradigm of traditional grief thought is being replaced with a more fluid process that understands the oscillation and resiliency as natural factors during the grief process.

Grief Counseling Meets Resiliency

The reality is resiliency is more common than thought and is a natural method of coping.  While early studies are trying to determine if resiliency is genetic, the common notion today is that it is psychological and some have better coping abilities than others.  Obviously the traumatic level of the event does objectively effect the coping but overall an individuals ability to cope both externally and internally is advantageous over those who only cope inwardly or outwardly.  Another element of coping involves one’s outlook.  People who are able to find good out of evil and have a higher power they find solitude in are more likely to exhibit resilient behavior than those who do not.
Grief counselors need to identify these factors and encourage them in their clients to foster greater and faster recovery.  Adaptation to loss is quicker for those who exhibit these traits. If grief counselors can identify these traits, they can help others cultivate them so as to avoid complicated or pathological states of grief in the future.

By Mark Moran, MA

Grief Counseling and Happiness

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

The Emotion of Sadness and Grief Counseling

While the emotion of sadness can dominate grief, one finds very little talk of happiness in grief.  Such a contradiction defeats the purpose of loss.  Grief Counseling must also find that spurts of happiness are natural in grief.
Within Christian theology, out of grief can come victory.  Through Christ’s death came resurrection and liberation.  Also through one’s daily crosses comes heavenly reward.  From this perspective there exists a happiness amidst the grief.  While the happiness is not intimately tied with the emotion, it can co-exist and become ultimately a by-product.
From a psychological standpoint, happiness and normalcy is an important element during the grieving process.  Traditional paradigms of grief recovery list step by step processes that must follow a linear progression.  The reality is that while traditional models do tell us a lot about grief, they still cannot be used as universal paradigms.  People can skip various steps.  Also to note, many new ideas have completely dismissed step process and instead emphasize phases of grief as waves or oscillating peaks and valleys.  The peaks represent states of happiness or normalcy.  The subconscious mind while it needs grieving to heal cannot constantly grieve or one would mentally breakdown.  With this in mind, one must acknowledge that there are states during the grief recovery where the person does manifest moments of happiness and laughter.  This allows the person to continue life but still remember.  Certain days when work or school are not at the forefront, one can take time to reflect and grieve. This idea of happiness or moments of happiness during the grief cycle also point to issues that possibly dismiss preconceived notions of hidden or regressed grief that were not legitimate pathologies.
The reality is people are more resilient that many think.  While complicated grief does occur, majority of people overcome their grief in a healthy fashion.  Normal reactions during the grief cycle do indeed include an isolated “oasis” of humor, joy, happiness and normalcy within the dark and sad “desert” of grief recovery.
By Mark Moran, MA

Why Grief Counselors Must Understand the Function of Sadness

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Grief Counselors Must Understand the Function of Sadness

Emotions are extremely important to one’s biological survival.  The interwoven nature of the soul and body interact with each other and effect each other.  The emotions of the soul are
manifested in the body via various expressions or chemical reactions.  These emotions also serve various functions. Grief Counselors should take into account these functions.

One example of an emotion is anger.  Anger helps the person react properly to a threat and prepares the body for confrontation.  It also gives the body the expressions and mannerisms needed to ward off others in hopes of a peaceful resolution.
The same holds true for sadness.  Sadness as an emotion has a biological function that helps the body relate to lost and recover from it.  It forces the mind to reflect and dwell on the lost and to adjust the new life of not having that person.  Through dwelling and mourning, one comes to the reality that a loved one is lost but also comes to the reality of how one is going to deal with that loss.  In addition to this, while sadness exposes one to exterior threats due to mourning, it does also awaken others to the fact that something is not right.  This social functioning of sadness expresses need for help and allows other within the community to offer that help.
I would contend that all emotions serve a natural and biological functioning for healing of the body and socially interaction during emotional states.  In this way, the soul is able to communicate via the body.
In conclusion, anger and sadness are all important emotions.  They are not merely reactions to loss but also biological functions that stem from the mind and prepare the body for adaptation into a new state.  Again, grief counselors need to understand this.
By Mark Moran, MA