Author: Dominick Flarey

Grief Counseling – What is it and how can it help

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Grief counseling is in high demand today. The loss of someone close to you is a painful experience and can create many emotions such as anger, shock, sadness and guilt. Within this period, you may feel as if these emotions may never let up and come to an end. Loss is a tough thing to handle but it is something that most of us will have to face several times within our lives. These feeling are often categorized as grief and you may find it challenging to move past this phase alone. For such instances, it is recommended that you seek grief counseling.

 What is grief counseling?

Grief counseling is a type of theory that focuses on a person or people suffering from the feelings of grief and helps them get through their feelings. Often, grief counseling takes place with a group of people as opposed to individually as working through this process with loved ones will often help this process. The most common reasons that require grief counseling come after a death of a loved one; however it is not uncommon for people to seek this form of therapy after a divorce, the loss of a job, or the diagnosis of a serious disease, such as cancer and more. In any of these situations, grief counseling works to help that person or people cope with their emotions.

 Grief counseling in groups

As mentioned, grief counseling often takes place in a group setting. This is because the involvement of your peers, who can better understand what a person is going through, will minimize the feelings of isolation that is prevalent among grief stricken people. An added benefit is also that your friends and family will be able to stay with you outside of the sessions, something that a counselor is not able to do.

 What are the goals of grief counseling?

The main intent of this therapy varies depending upon the person and situation. The end goal is to best help that person recover emotionally from the particular situation. This form of counseling does not attempt to change what that person feels they want or need, however they do attempt to console and support that person as they are dealing with their intense emotions. More often than not, the simple act of talking about the situation will go a long way in helping a grief stricken person recover. For this reason, a therapist’s main intent is to accompany that person and encourage them to talk about what is going through their head. Getting that person to talk about it and having someone listen and converse with them about is the main role of a grief therapist.

 I am suffering from grief, how will counseling help me?

When a person looses someone close to them, or they go through an emotionally intense situation, they will often receive a lot of attention from their friends and family. After a few weeks, however, those people will be ready to move on with their lives even though that person may not yet be ready to. This is where grief counselors play an important role. Today, most of the theory behind grief counseling is based on the work of Elizabeth Kubler Ross, a famous Swiss psychiatrist who was able to identify the different stages of grief that a person will go though. Her findings showed that grief is not a straight line process and is not easily understood by the people who are not also going through the same feelings. This makes it difficult for a grieving person to find the full support they will need from friends and family members alone. Grief therapists are trained to work with and identify the stages of grief that a person may be going through and is better able to walk them through the entire process over the course of several weeks or months.
If you are suffering through feelings or grief, or know someone that is, it is important to seek some form of grief counseling as it is the best way to get through your emotions in the most healthy way possible. It is important to surround ones self around loved ones and continuous communication between the two parties will go a long way in helping that person recover from such emotions. You may also consider learning more about grief and strategies to deal with it. There are online grief counseling courses you can take to expand your knowledge in this area of specialty care.

Certification In Grief Counseling and Models of Grief

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Grief Counseling and the Models of Grief

As a grief counselor , a pastoral thanatologist , or a spiritual counselor one should be aware of the natural psychology of human grief.  The fundamental aspect of grief is loss.  This is the reality of the human condition.  Within this condition, the happiest moments, most beloved persons, most treasured objects, and desired outcomes are all temporary in this plane of existence.  Anything gained can be taken within a moment; the rich man and his countless millions can be stolen in the night by the thief, the loving husband can lose his devout wife to the careless swerve of a drunk driver, or a great athlete can have his career ended with a sudden snap of his leg.   Happiness in this fallen world is always balanced by the cruel joke of loss.  Grief is the response to this loss and the reaction to loss of attachment.  While subjective responses vary, the human condition universally and objectively reacts in a general manner or fashion.  The following lists some of the general reactions that are common but not always particular to most people.

Grief Counseling Kubler Ross’ Five Steps

Kubler Ross is one of the preeminent scholars and pioneers of the psychology of grief.  Her five step model has served as one of the most trusted guides to following the trajectory of grief.  The first step according to Kubler Ross is denial.  The second step is anger.  The third step is bargaining.  The fourth step is depression or mourning.  The final step is acceptance.  Within the normal grief cycle these primary steps should be accomplished within the first couple months-although the more intense the attachment, the greater the mourning process.  In some cases, complicated grief can result when the depression state lingers well beyond the average grace period.    Within Kubler Ross’ process of normal grief, one can see a natural progression to mourning and final acceptance.  Within that acceptance comes the remedy for healing where the event or loss is recognized and the soul can finally begin to form new meaning regarding its life’s narrative.  In addition to this, following acceptance, the person can then better relocate and integrate the memory of the lost person into his or her life story.

Grief Counseling and Worden’s Four Tasks

Another process is Worden’s Four Tasks.  Again one can see a similar paradigm that traces human emotion.  The primary difference is only the purpose of the process.  This was created primarily for grieving widows that Worden counseled and treated for depression.  Yet, his four tasks still can be applied to any human loss.  Worden’s first task is to accept the reality. A widow who would have reached the first task here would have naturally gone through the process described by Kubler Ross to reach this point.  The second task is to work through the grief.  Just because acceptance has entered into one’s heart regarding a loss, one cannot deny the continuing grief that permeates one’s essence.  The grief is unpredictable.  Like the harsh winds and torrents of a storm, sometimes it falls harder, while on other occasions, there seems to be a momentary ease, only again to resume the heavy downpour.   This is the nature of the grief process, it has troughs of up and down that cannot be dismissed, ignored or wished away.  As Worden believed, they must be faced even in the darkest hour and worked through.  This process is necessary for the soul to mourn, and if not a complicated grief, a process that eventually, while never gone, becomes bearable.   Although the sharp pain of grief subsides, one cannot deny the numb reminders of loss.  One cannot deny this.  Even after a decade, would one not weep at the tombstone of a loved one?  Yet the pain felt is controlled, it is understood, and it is not pathological.  There may even be a moment of happiness and realization that the loved one is in a better place.  The third step proposed by Worden is adjustment.  Adjustment is the temporary period of transition where the person re-writes their life story and readjusts the future chapters of their life.  These new chapters do not dismiss the past chapters of loss, but encompass them and interweave them into their present and future.  Adjustment is a difficult period where sad reminders of loss may appear from time to time, but life is adjustment.  If something fails to adjust, it becomes extinct.  Hence adjustment is an important phase in re-writing one’s life and creating a new future.  Worden’s final phase included relocation of the person lost.  This is simply emotional acceptance that the person is physically gone but their memory never leaves.  They are forever in the heart of the lover and forever cherished and placed in a different mode of existence.  From a theistic tradition, the person is never gone, but still present but in a different way.  This ideal completely divorces itself from the Freudian view of complete separation.  The loss is always part of you, it is not a pathology, but is a critical part of who one is.  True one does move on, but in a healthy fashion with a new life story with new chapters that are contingent upon the past chapters.

Grief Counseling and Bowly’s Process

Other grief guides encompass the same idea. Bowlby’s process of mourning includes preoccupation, disorganization and reorganization.   Lindermann’s involves acceptance, adjustment and forming new relationships.  Finally Rando’s six “R”s captures the same ideal with the following words of “Recognize, React, Recollect, Relinquish, Readjust, and Reinvest”.  In all of these one can see the same general theme that grief is a reaction to loss and that the human heart goes through a general phase of mourning, acceptance, adjustment, and reorganization.
In conclusion, grief counselors should become aware of these phases.  They can combine or utilize whatever system they feel is best for their patient.  These systems are very good guides on general human behavior but are not concrete infallible guides for every individual.  With that in mind,  grief counselors should realize that these systems are merely guides and that each human being is unique and deserves unique care.
If you want a certification in grief counseling, then please review the program.  Those  who want a certification in grief counseling can enhance an already flourishing professional career.
By Mark Moran, MA

Grief Counselors and How They Deal with Suicide Issues

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

The effects of suicide on surviving members is great.  Beyond acute care, looming psychological issues can hover above the friends and family of the victim.
As Christian counselors and grief counselors, one is looking for abnormal signs of grief that goes against the normal grief reactions. These abnormal trajectories of grief can lead to later 

complications that include depression, loss of faith, survivor guilt or another potential suicide.
Family members need to acknowledge they were powerless to stop the suicide.  They need to look to God for healing and not blame themselves.  Guilt can easily seap into the conscious mind of the family member and this can lead to a variety of issues.  Some guilt can also be directed to ambivalent feelings that may have existed between the victim and the family member before the suicide.  These issues need to openly discussed and let out or they can fester inside.  Another issue is loss of meaning. After suicide, the devastation and lack of rationale and can lead a family member down a dark path.  The family member may question faith or wonder how this can possibly fit into his life narrative.  As a counselor, you want to guide the person to these answers.  This may lead to spiritual questions or meanings of life itself.  In the end, the suicide while a scar in one’s life story must be integrated into it.  Another emotion to be aware of is fear.  Some dependent family members may become quite fearful and worried about the future or who will care for them. These situations need to be resolved as well with the church and other family members.
Post suicide checkup for the family should include observation for all these issues.  Family group sessions should also be included where the family can talk among themselves and a counselor can observe interaction and danger signs for some family members who are not recovering.
The primary goal is to give the family a sense of wholeness, both physically and spiritually.  Despite the crosses and sadness that befall us in life, through God, faith and sometimes a helping hand, one can move on in this valley of tears with optimism and hope towards the final end which is with God.

Christian Counseling and Ash Wednesday

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Christian Counseling for Ash Wednesday

As the Great Fast begins for the Western Church one is reminded of one’s own vulnerability and eventual death through Ash Wednesday. From the words ashes to ashes and dust to dust, one recalls one’s own finiteness and frail and fallen human nature.  Christian spiritual directors should remind clients of this.
The theological significance is however greater than a mere reminder that one will not live forever. As the first day of Lent in the Western Church, its reminds one of the Sin of Adam and how that sin or Original Sin brought death into the world.
As that sin brought death into the world, so Christ, the New Adam, brought life to the world and destroyed the power of Original Sin. Lent is the time of remembrance of the Redemption and Christ’s ultimate victory. It is also a time for spiritual renewal and faith in Christ.
Ash Wednesday is reminder of man’s fall via Adam, and through Lent, we carry our crosses with Christ and on Easter Sunday are reminded of our rise and salvation via Christ.  Christian Counselors should guide their clients to these truths.
If you would like to learn more about taking Christian Counseling courses.

By Mark Moran, MA

Christian Counseling and Fat Tuesday Observations

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Program in Christian Counseling Training: Christian Counseling ideals for Preparation for Lent

During Christian Counseling sessions, one should direct the faithful to a more suitable Fat Tuesday celebration.  The decadent over indulgence found in the Fat Tuesday celebration or Mardi Gra is in its roots a secular and pagan ideal. While secular and atheistic society views it only as a “beads for deeds” celebration where one overwhelms there senses in a gluttonous feast of vice, one can find even greater alarm in Christian perspectives that see it as a night to “let go” before the great fast and cater to every lustful or concupscient thought or desire before the start of the Great Fast. “Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow is Lent” seems to be the overtone and prevailing spiritual atmosphere.
With such a dangerous philosophy especially among Christians, one can see the dangers of Fat Tuesday. If one is preparing oneself for a spiritual renewal, one is not to purchase a license to sin the day before, or to take another analogy, if one is to be married the following day to one woman, one is not to engage with as many women sexually as possible. This is not preparation or true reform for a holy event.
In preparation of the Great Fast, Christians should prepare themselves spiritually for the fast via prayer to God for the necessary graces to improve themselves spiritually during Lent. Fat Tuesday defeats this purpose. Maybe such celebrations stem from man’s subconscious or the Church’s inability to completely de-secularize society regarding vice, but it is clear such celebrations when taken out of context are counter-productive to the whole purpose of the Great Fast.
This is not to say I condemn festivities before Lent, but I would say I condemn the mindset and the extremes some take on this day.  Christian Counseling needs to emphasize this during sessions that approach Lent.  If you are interested in Christian Counseling certification, please review the program in Christian Counseling Training.

By Mark Moran, MA

Christian Counseling and Lenten Sacrifices

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Christian Counseling guides for Lent

Christian Counseling sessions should guide people towards a proper Lenten attitude.  The words, “What did you give up for Lent” are important but also naïve. They are important because they emphasize the necessity of the spiritual time of Lent but also naïve because the Great Fast encompasses so much more than simply giving things up. The time of Lent is a time of spiritual renewal and focus on Christ not merely giving up chocolate or cake because it is a ritual you have done since grade school. The sacrifice must have meaning and sacrifice.

On many occasions, people give up things that have no relation to their spiritual life. Ideals such as going on a diet during Lent are totally unspiritual and not related to one’s spiritual growth. As well as such proclamations that one will give up smoking. These ideas are all good ideas but when one attempts to “double dip’ and package a diet as a Lenten sacrifice, then one trying to fool is themselves that this is actually a spiritual exercise.
During Christian Counseling, one should push one’s spiritual children towards true spiritual sacrifices that teach self control and help the body learn the mastery of the soul. These sacrifices teach the body self control but also remind one of the sacrifice of Christ. One should offer up these small sacrifices with a smile and boasting. Only too many times, do we see people boasting of their sacrifices. What does that merit? Did not Christ say to look clean when fasting? Did not Christ also emphasize the value of the man who prays quietly in the back of the Church? Christ stated the Father sees everything be not concerned what your fellow man witnesses.
Yet, even merely giving something up that is relevant is still naïve to the whole purpose of Lent. Lent is about growing spiritually. How does one grow spiritually besides fasting with the Church during Lent? People should find extra time for prayer, scripture and other forms of spiritual meditation that bring one closer to Christ. Pious practices such as the Stations of the Cross, or finding a particular prayer or novena are also important. In addition to this, performing examination of conscience and finding a particular vice that haunts oneself is important. After discovering the vice, one should work on that vice all Lent and hope to conquer it with the opposing virtue. If one exhibits spiritual sloth, one should vigorously work against it by pushing oneself to weekly Mass or Church service and emphasizing both morning and evening prayer. Also, for those who already have a health spiritual life, one should perhaps venture into deeper waters and attend daily Mass or conduct a daily scripture class with friends. Also spiritual exercises such as St. Ignatius or others throughout the ages that within the norms of Christian orthodoxy should be examined. Finally, one should show love of neighbor. Corporal and spiritual works of mercy and alms giving should be considered during this time.

One should avoid the narrow secularist’s interpretation of Lent where Christians merely give up chocolate or cake and not eat meat on Friday but should seek to a better spiritual awakening through an enhanced prayer life that seeks to build moral character and eliminate vice. Certified Spiritual Christian Counselors can help with this.

Christian Counseling and Lenten Guidelines

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Christian Counseling and Guidelines for Fasting Days

Christian Counseling sessions can prepare people for guidelines for Lent.  The Great Fast is upon us and for those interested in abstaining and fasting according to the norms of the Church, please feel free to do so whether Catholic or Protestant this is a time for the universal Church to share in Christ’s love for us by giving back.
If age 14 to 59, Catholics are obligated to participate in the following.
1st day of Lent is a Day of Fast which includes no meat and only one full meal with additional intake equaling only another full meal throughout the day. The only other day of Fast is Good Friday.
Days of Abstinence are all Fridays.
If you are Eastern Catholic, the first day of Lent of course is Monday and not Ash Wednesday. The Days of Fast are the first day of Lent and Good Friday, but fasting includes meat and no dairy with as many meals as one wishes minus the two food groups.
Days of Abstinence are all Wednesdays and Fridays. The Western Church removed the Wednesday requirement due to the conversion of the barbarians after the Fall of Rome. It was hard enough to make them give up meat on Friday. The more ancient tradition of Wednesday in addition to Friday continued in the East and to this day is still enforced on all Eastern Catholics and Orthodox Christians.
Of course Protestants have no ecclesiastical obligations, although many mainstream churches such as the Lutheran and Anglican Churches encourage these fasts and traditions. Non Denominational Christians and other less mainstream groups are encouraged to join others in this universal fast since all make up the Mystical Body of Christ.
As Christian Counselors, we should all help prepare everyone for the Great Fast.
If you want to earn a Christian counseling certification, then review.

By Mark Moran, MA

Child Grief and Bereavement Counseling

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Everyone deals with death in their own way, but children are a bit different. Most young children really don’t understand death, even those who do can have a hard time dealing with their feelings. It’s important to make sure kids are getting the care they need during a time when they lost someone close to them.

Child grief  and bereavement counseling is something that any parent should seriously consider. This is a great solution since most kids don’t want to talk to their parents or other family members about their feelings. Most parents don’t even know what questions to ask to make sure their child is dealing with their feelings in a healthy manner.

 How Counseling can Help Children through the Grieving Process

Professionals have the educational background to help children deal with this sort of situation. Each child is going to grieve differently depending on their age and experience with loss in the past. If a child doesn’t feel like they have support they could end up keeping their emotions bottled inside, which could have really dire effects in the future. When kids have a third party to talk to they will be able to let their emotions out and talk about what they are dealing with on the inside. At first these visits might be difficult if the child is resistant, but in time they will get better. Some kids might end up speaking freely; it varies from each different person.
Counselors are going to ask questions to the child that do not scare them. Their main goal is to get an idea of what is going on in their head. The answers that the child gives will help the counselor tailor their questions and conversation for the appointment. Professionals do understand that each child is different, so they don’t handle each one in the same way. When a kid feels comfortable with someone, they will be more encouraged to speak with them about what is going on. No matter what type of death is being dealt with, a child needs to speak with someone about it. Child grief counseling can make all the difference with how someone grows up and deals with other situations. When parents aren’t able to get a child to talk, counseling is a great option to consider. This is a sensitive subject that many parents are uncomfortable dealing with since they aren’t sure what they should do or say.

 What Children Will Learn by Going to Child Grief Counseling

Losing a parent, grand parent, sister, brother, or other family members is going to be really difficult for any child. When they go to see a professional counselor they can actually come out of the experience a lot stronger than they were before. This can help them deal with death in the future, since it’s inevitable. Most kids will cry and talk about their feelings, but they need to have a well-rounded idea of what death is and how it will change their life forever. A counselor will be able to explain what death really is and help them learn tools for dealing with grief. A child needs to know that it’s alright to cry and that they should talk to someone about their feelings. When they know that it’s alright to let their feelings show, they are less likely to bottle them up inside. If they don’t feel comfortable talking with a family member, a counselor is a great alternative.
Some tools that can help any child grieve include: to be honest about their feelings, realizing that death is a part of life, crying is good and memories can help out a lot. Children can easily learn how to cherish memories and feel good about them instead of feeling sad. Some kids end up keeping a journal filled with their emotions while others find a friend they can talk to. Either of these are great to have when it comes to grieving. These tools are going to help any child deal with death instead of constantly feeling depressed.
Child grief and bereavement counseling is something that any parent should consider for their child. This will give their son or daughter a safe space where they can talk with someone about what they are feeling. They will learn tools that help them feel better about the situation. Although it’s a sensitive subject, it has to be taught to kids to give them a brighter future.

Grief Counseling Program: Suicide and Grief Counseling

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Grief Counseling and Suicide

The deepest element of suicide is despair and is something Grief counseling should watch out for. The Church for ages condemned this action as the unforgivable sin or the sin of Judas, but modern research has shown many suicides result not 

due to merely a loss of hope but also various mental maladies. With this in mind, pastoral care and grief counseling ideas have shifted within the church. No longer condemning and forbidding Christian burial, the church now compassionately prays for the soul of the departed and focuses on healing counseling techniques for the suffering family. The same important techniques need to be applied towards those who attempt to take their life. Suicide prevention and post suicide counseling is an important element in pastoral and Christian counseling. AIHCP offers courses for certification in Christian counseling, Grief Counseling and Christian grief counseling with special emphasis on pastoral response to suicide. If you feel a calling to help those in the deep despair and hope to bring ministry in this field to your parish or church, this certification may be helpful.

 

7 Corporal Works of Mercy and Pastoral Thanatology

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

 The call to assist the dying is more than a career but a vocation.  Pastoral Thanatology encompasses the essence of care of the dying by combining the psychology of the dying with a pastoral and theological care. This care follows the path of scripture and the teachings of Christ in caring for the dying by not only giving the proper attention to physical needs but to also spiritual needs. The care given by pastoral givers in nursing homes, counseling centers and hospitals parallels the Seven Corporal Works of Mercy. These seven works care for the physical needs of one’s neighbor and are scripturally based off the teachings and words of Christ.
Pastoral Care and the Seven Corporal Works of Mercy
One of the Seven Corporal Works of Mercy actually is to care actually to care or visit the sick. In that care, one does not only perform their duties but also answer a vocational call of service to their fellow man. Within the visitation or care of the sick, one finds themselves performing other acts of mercy which include giving drink, food, and clothing the naked. These are all actions Christ asks from his followers when he told his apostles and disciples that when you do these acts for the least of my brethren then you do it for me. While care of the dying  goes beyond the mere physical and even goes to the point of the Spiritual works of mercy where comfort and counsel become imperative, one cannot deny the sacred calling of nurses and other health care administers who take a simple chore and turn into an action of Christian excellence. These physical acts of mercy benefit all and should be cultivated as habitual actions of virtue within the soul of the caregiver. Through this, his or her actions will shine through and give the comfort and love the dying patient needs.  Below are a list of the Seven Corporal Works of Mercy. To feed the hungry. To give drink to the thirsty. To clothe the naked. To give shelter to the homeless. To visit the imprisoned. To visit the sick. To bury the dead As one can see these simple seven acts of charity are actions that all Christians should undertake in their social obligations to the world. Yet what an excellent opportunity is presented for someone in pastoral care giving situation to practice these actions and share the love of God with the dying. While these initial actions are merely at the physical level and the spiritual acts and last rites remain the most important element to the dying, one cannot still neglect the physical needs of a human being. Our nature is comprised of spirit and flesh and God commands his people to respect both elements with love and dignity.

By Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C