Counseling for Christians: The Dangers of Vengeance and the Mercy of the Sacred Heart of Jesus

Posted on July 20, 2012February 14, 2025 by Dominick Flarey

I Thought They Said an Eye for an Eye? Christian Counseling Responses

And Christ told Peter that those who live by the sword shall die by the sword and after that, they apprehended Christ. This story in Scripture retells the illegal arrest of Christ and how he reprimanded Peter for seeking violence. Lost in the confusion, Our Lord gently restored an ear to the temple guard whose ear had been cut off by Peter. This is the love Christ demands and the same demand Christian counselors must echo in their counseling services for those who are obsessed with the demon of vengeance.

Christ told everyone to love one’s enemies and in the Our Father commanded us to forgive others their trespasses if we wished to receive forgiveness for our own sins. Yet what a 360 degree change from the Old Testament. The words of Christ clearly state to turn the other cheek, but the words found in the Old Testament seek an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Obviously Christ did not come to destroy the law but to fulfill it and in fulfilling it, he emphasized the misinterpretation by the Jewish population of this vague quote. People thought it was a personal law that applied to them instead of being an institutional law of the state. Christ corrected and reminded them that is law was not meant at the personal level and that one is to not seek vengeance but to turn the other cheek. The eye for an eye was merely a law found within the structure of judicial ruling.

What is Justice?

In man’s earliest existence, justice was not disturbed by a neutral and authoritative third party, but was sought by the individual. If someone stole one’s cattle, the owner had to find compensation by taking it back within whatever measures necessary. There was a fine line between what was justice and what was vengeance. This “wild, wild west” mentality for cavemen created a very unstable environment for society. Social philosophers, Hobbes and Rosseau described this era as a dangerous one. People eventually banded together and formed “social contracts”. Under these contracts, people banded together for security and in banding together, they designated social justice to an executive branch of authority that would preserve and enforce the laws for the individual. Through this contract, individuals gave up their right for personal retribution and gave it to the state.
While this is merely a social explanation of the eventual civilization of man, one can see how justice against evil became a social correction and no longer an individual crusade. One of the most compelling argument for this form of justice was that it removed emotion from the apprehension of an evil doer. No longer would a cattle thief face the hand and the rage of the owner, but instead would face the non-subjective hands of society’s enforcers. This removed vengeance from the equation and allowed lady liberty to wear the blind fold of objectivity. Hence justice is a proportional virtue that gives to one what is truly his but within an acceptable way by a rightful authority blind to emotion and self interest.
Christ teaches one not to seek justice through one’s own hand but through the state. In individual matters, we are to turn the other cheek but through the judicial process, we may seek an “eye for an eye” in regards to compensation.

The Demon of Revenge

Yet many are consumed with a passion for revenge at all costs. Some pursuits of vengeance are trivial while others tempt many to put on a “cape and cowl” and seek justice on the streets. Are we not rightly incensed when we see pedafiles prey upon our children or see crimes against humanity through genocide? This is a just rage, one that our Lord does share. Good men must stand up to these atrocities or the world will burn when they do nothing, but it must be done within the will of God and through legitimate authority.
Counseling one bent on revenge is difficult. Yet the initial emotion of anger (even just anger) to seek out someone who has hurt someone’s family is usually like all emotions–temporary. It may even be healthy to let off some “steam” in the safe confines of counseling. One, however, should monitor closely a person who shows high traces of continued rage over a course of time. While monitoring, make risk assessments, similar to suicide assessments regarding how well thought out revenge is and if it is doable. If you feel there is a true chance of harm to anyone, you may have to find intervention at higher levels through family, church or authorities.

Christian Counselors should offer soothing thoughts that vengeance belongs to the Lord and that his justice will be manifested especially to the unrepented. Emphasize the beauty of the Sacred Heart who has been wounded by our sins and yet still forgives. Also emphasize to one who is hardened with thoughts of revenge that the Sacred Heart of Jesus offers mercy to everyone. Yet remind him also, Our Lord will come as a judge one day and his mercy will not be an option for the truly evil. In addition to this, emphasize the ideal of karma. While a Eastern ideal, it is still true that evil actions produce evil returns. Through these thoughts, hopefully one can defuse the emotion of personal revenge and help the person hand over their vengeance to God who is all merciful but also all just.
Ultimately, we have all had mean things done to us, some more extreme or terrible than others. While sometimes it is emotionally healthy for us to voice it and let it out, we must realize that the negative energy of hate will consume us and destroy us. It will drive out the charity of the Holy Spirit and allow the devil to consume us with hate. The evil done will become an obsession that will eventually lead one to demise. How many “white whales” do we wish to kill at the expense of our own life? Will we like Captain Ahab, lose our own life in a distorted trek for vengeance?

Again we should turn to Christ and remember that he forgives us of our sins. Our sins crucified him and the sins committed against us, also crucified him. Yet Christ also carries our slights from others on his shoulder and forgives them. If Christ can forgive us, and those who have hurt us, then why can we not also say “Father forgive them for they know not what they do”

If you are interested in Christian Counseling Education, please review the program.
If you also interested in counseling for Christians, then please review the program. Counseling for Christians is based of Christlike and biblical values.
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Cultural Diversity in Care Giving

Posted on July 20, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

Caregivers Need to be Culturally Sensitive to Their Patient’s Needs

As the world has become smaller, interaction with other creeds, cultures and races has become more prevalent in all aspects of life. Caregiving is no exception as doctors, nurses, pastoral counselors and other caregivers find themselves in direct contact with different cultures who demand and deserve certain care.
Within the area of grief, it is essential, according to John Bowlby, that we understand cross-cultural ideals, especially in grief to better provide the vital care patients need. Rituals, mourning, and family interaction varies from culture to culture and health care providers need to respect these particular cultures in their treatment. By becoming educated with the basics of religious and cultural ideals a care provider can be better equipped to treat his/her patient. Yet, before generalizations enter into one’s mind, the caregiver must also realize that there are deviations from the norm and not to expect certain reactions from a particular group merely because of their background.
Unfortunately, they did not teach this in medical school and sadly, it may not have even been considered important but only an after thought. However, as trained caregivers who aspire to a certain level of professionalism, it is important to be educated in regards to the world and potential patients.

The “House” Syndrome

The lack of bedside manner by many caregivers has given rise to pastoral caregivers to become a crossroad between patient and provider, but the “cultural malpractice” by primary providers still remains a concern. Doctors and many health care providers seem to care only about the healing of the body or the cure of the disease instead of the treating the entire person. This “House” syndrome, from the celebrated television drama, is only too many times the norm. The doctor is more concerned with the puzzle and relates very little to the humanity or cultural diversity of the individual they are treating.
Primary caregivers need to understand the spirituality and the culture of each patient. This is why it is so important for primary providers to do spiritual assessments of patients. This can be done by a simple conversation with the patient or with the family. In this assessment, you can become familiar with how the person views life and what religious affiliations he/she has. Also in doing this, a doctor can treat the whole of the person. A patient who is beyond saving, sometimes wants someone to pray with them. Although doctors need to keep a certain distance to maintain objectivity, there are certain times when praying with a patient may be acceptable, especially if requested or both share the same faith. Spiritual assessments not only help the doctor become more sensitive to the cultural element of the patient but also enables the doctor to be more than a guy in a “white coat” but also a fellow human being who cares.
If you are interested in Pastoral Care Giving, please review the program.
(Information for this article was found in “Helping Grieving People-When Tears Are Not Enough” by J. Shep Jeffreys)
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Who Cares About the Pastoral Caregivers?

Posted on July 19, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

Pastoral Care for the One Who Cares the Most

My grandmother cared tirelessly for my grandfather and as his health gradually deteriorated he became more needy in his everyday activities. Fortunately for my grandfather, my grandmother was a nurse and knew how to care for someone who was gradually becoming less and less physically capable. Her energy level was amazing and my grandfather through the final two surgeries received top notch care and affection. After my grandfather’s eventual death, my grandmother finally slowed down some herself, almost as if her body knew she no longer was needed everyday. Still alive, still moving, but now with a cane, my grandmother showed her own pastoral and emotional care for my grandfather through the fulfillment of her vow-“in sickness and health”.
Many primary caregivers are not as energetic or well trained in end of life care as my grandmother, however, even my grandmother showed the tired face and burnout that accompanies caring for a loved one. This can be twice as draining on someone with little knowledge or training to care for the sick. The constant pressure and beat of the drum that pushes the primary care giver to doctor visits, prescription and medication study, dosage delivery, feeding, cleaning and the emotional realization that the one you love is going to die soon is overbearing.
Professionals recognize this as caregiver grief. This type of grief not only affects the primary caregiver emotionally over the loss but it also strips from them the loss of a future and loss of freedom. The vacation that was once planned by a couple is now forever gone as a faithful wife tends to a crippling disease that is killing her husband. Or, that special 50th wedding anniversary will not become a reality because one’s wife will not live to experience the 49th one. In addition, the loss of freedom strips the primary caregiver of the ability to go to the movies, or visit others at a picnic. Gradually, the vocation of caregiving for their loved one, forces these people to give up on extra curricular activities because the demand of care is so overwhelming. This was not only the case with my grandmother, but also my other grandmother who also gives up much of her time and energy for care of her husband. How many times do we see our loved ones becoming burnt out because we will not take that simple step to offer an hour or two of our day?
Pastoral counselors need to let the primary caregivers know that it is alright to be tired and it is alright to take time off. Pastoral counselors need to emphasize occasional relief through other family members or respite care. Respite care is available within hospice and can help the primary caregiver have a few days to him or herself. The National Family Caregivers Association sometimes helps charitably with the fees for hospice in this service.

Most importantly, pastoral caregivers need to let the primary caregiver know that is alright to feel emotions of guilt, resentment and anxiety at times towards the dying loved one. These are natural emotions and do not mean that one does not love or wish to not care for one’s dying partner or parent.
In fact, after the death of a terminally or chronically ill person, sometimes the primary caregiver is known to have some relief. Not in a relief that the one they love has died but a relief that they have performed their duty with courage and devotion and that their loved one is now free from suffering.
With these things in mind, who cares about the primary caregiver?–everyone should.
If you are interested in Pastoral Care Education, please review the program.
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Pastoral Care and Use of Advance Directives

Posted on July 19, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

Pastoral Care Giving and Advance Directives

It is important in Pastoral Care to also ensure that the needs of the dying patient are met in full. This not only involves physical and spiritual support but also helping one fulfill their end desires for themselves or family. Advance Directives are essential elements in knowing exactly what the dying patient would want or wish if he/she is unconscious or unresponsive in his/her final hours.
An Advance Medical Directive can solve many problems in regards to who takes charger in an event if the person loses consciousness. It also lays out groundwork for care givers and medical providers to follow in regards to medical treatment with regard to extra-ordinary life sustaining measures and whether to pursue prolongation of life or pursue comfort measures.
These questions can become very confusing if there is no Advance Medical Directive to follow and the care givers, medical providers and family members can enter into a guessing game that can lead to numerous debates. If there is a Advance Medical Directive, the proper authorities should receive it and utilize it when the path becomes murky regarding ethical or medical decisions.
The Directive itself lists who the patient wishes to be his/her health care representative with alternate choices following if the primary representative is unable to perform his/her duties. Following this is a list of situations that involve pain and suffering, mental incapacity, physical immobility, physical helplessness, interest of loved ones and potential living situations.
Ultimately the autonomy of the patient is a critical concern in pastoral care. As long as the requests are within reason, a patient’s rights must be met and listened to.
If you are interested in Pastoral Care Education, please review the program.
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Families that Cope with Grief

Posted on July 18, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

Coping with Grief as a Family: Inactivity or Activity?

A family structure and its tensions, both past and present, can form or come to rise during a death in the family. While this is unfortunate, it is also true. The particular family dynamic and how the collective whole recovers can determine the emotional health of individual members. Families that cope with grief as a communicative unit recover collectively over the loss better than families who divide and fall apart in a dark despair of silence.

A Death in the Family Shakes Up the Physiology of the Family

Just as an organism has various individual functioning elements, so does a family as a social organism. When a patriarch or matriarch dies, there is a shuffle of responsibilities and a reorganization of inter-relationships. Some of these changes and alterations are beneficial while others cause distress within the family unit.
The most important thing to remember is for a family to keep an open line of communication after death. This is first accomplished through viewing hours, the funeral, eulogies and the wake. However, the family cannot stop there but must continue to support one another and “pick up the slack”. However in doing this, the individual family members need to be aware of the various secondary losses that may be occurring within their own family.

What Are Secondary Losses?

While it is easy to dismiss secondary losses or scorn those having them, especially since someone just passed away, it is psyhologically important to identify them. It is important for family members not to just mourn the loss of a loved one, but also to mourn the loss of what that person represented to them. For example, a grieving widow has not only loss her husband but also a breadwinner. How will the family help the new widow of the family? Another example regards a younger member of the family. While losing a father, he may now have to support his mother hence costing him time to go to college. While these may seem selfish and people may nevertheless heroically sacrifice for the good of the whole, these losses nonetheless remain losses that need to be acknowledged without fear of a guilt.
The family unit should meet together and re-address the situation of the family and understand the new construction of roles and sacrifices others must make. In addition to this, these sacrifices must be applauded and respected and in some cases, help should be supplied to help those minimize their secondary losses.

A Family That Prays Together, Stays Together

The above phrase is not only true because of its spiritual overtones but also because it emphasizes communion and expression. A family that is united in prayer or whatever other formal communication is open to the needs of the individuals within the family unit. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings can all be there for each other and understand the stresses and pains each are feeling.

This open line of communication aids the family in healing and also prevents others from potentially lapsing into complicated grief reactions. Within this communication, the family retells the events of the death or remembers good times of the loss loved one. These stories unite the family together in remembrance and allow for healthy expressions of grief through love and support. It is also crucial to allow children of the family to become involved in these sessions. Adults need to take the time to answer questions and include the concern of the children. All too many times, the children are shielded from the funeral or group discussion and their grief becomes disenfranchised.

It is important for healthy intra-family dynamics to exist for all members to fully recover from grief. Silence, hiding emotions or division will only cause further emotional stress and dysfunction within the new family structure. As a grief counselor or care giver, one should not confront this resistance openly but quietly pursue and offer families opportunities to meet together and express grief.
Ultimately a family is only as strong as its weakest member and to throw in yet another cliche, divided one is weak but together all are strong.
If you are interested in and wish to learn more about the grief counseling certification, please review the program.
(Information for this article was found in “Helping Grieving People-When Tears Are Not Enough” by J. Shep Jeffreys)
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Why Do You Fear Death?

Posted on July 18, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

Death Comes To Everyone: Grief and Bereavement Education

The moments the first air fills into the lungs of an infant, death has already come one second closer. We are all born to die. Death is inevitable. Yet while a inevitable, some people fear it, while others respect or welcome it. What causes these emotional differences within the human mind?
One can look at an array of philosophical, social and theological variables that form one’s opinion on death. From the standpoint of the modern man, an array of pithy sayings and clichés fill books with supposed help. Euphemisms that side track one from the seriousness of death and attempt to humorize it as a joke are quite common. Why not mock or joke about what ultimately terrifies you to gain some control over it? Yet the inner question and fear mingles of what exists after death? This is the ultimate unknown that nor pithy sayings can distract one from. The end reality is clear no matter what philosophical approach one takes and that reality is death will come. All past possessions, all earthly happiness is uprooted and destroyed as temporal consciousness is ripped from the body (Marra). Dr. Marra, a philosopher and teacher, states that death “‘cannot be bribed, coaxed, restrained. It may perhaps be put off for awhile, but it will not be cheated of its prize”.
With such ominous foreshadowing, whether one philosophically holds to escapism, sarcastic, or materialism, one will still eventually die. However, whether one dies with dignity or extreme fear is not a matter of philosophical choice but emotional state.
The emotional state of someone who faces death is greatly effected by culture and faith. While philosophies are mere mental projections of “what” or “what if”, faith and culture adhere closer to one’s heart and have true meaning. For example, a religious man with little philosophical knowledge of death may greet it with more peace than a philosopher who is tortured by the many queries he is about to face.
While religion does not guarantee a “peaceful” death one definitely can see higher correlations of peace and death when religion is infused properly. I say properly because, in some cases, a sick faith can permeate a person into severe fear of Hell or guilt. In their final moments they are tormented with fear instead of God’s loving peace.

Overall, but not entirely, those with a good relationship with whatever God they may believe in, have a better coping mentality with death. This is especially true of those with deep faith and hope in their God.
Ultimately, why do you fear death? Here are some questions to ask yourself.
Is it death or a type of death I fear?
Is it death or merely an untimely death?
Is it that you fear for the care of your family?
Is it that you fear the unknown?
Is it that you fear losing your worldly possessions?
Is it that you fear becoming non-existent?
Is it that you fear Hell?
It is important to understand why you fear death and face these fears to develop a healthier respect for it. For those of religion, most accept that death is a result a sin and a just punishment. One is to accept one’s punishment and be rewarded in the next life. This gives some consolation to many but if it does not give consolation to you, then what can give you consolation when the reaper comes for you?
If you are interested in grief and bereavement education, please review the program.
(Some information was taken from “Happiness and Christian Hope” by William Marra)
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Causes of Stress: Can Our Foods Be Causing It?

Posted on July 18, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

A bowl of red cherries — Your food coloring should be all natural and not processed.

Can Food We Eat Be Causes Of Stress?

The article, “Stressed?! Maybe You’re Eating Too Much of These”, by Margaret Reffell states

“You’ve all heard “you are what you eat” before, right? Well we now know that that is true on a more fundamental level than you ever could have imagined.”

For the full list please go here.

A contain of Chinese takeout — Many Chinese restaurants have added MSG.

Who would have thought our diet and the foods we eat could be the causes of stress. Maybe the morning cup of coffee is not quite the best friend you thought it was?
If you are interested in a stress management consulting program or taking online stress management courses then you might want to visit our website.

Grief Counseling Education Program: Early Attachment Bonding and Its Effects on Adult Grieving

Posted on July 17, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

Grief Counseling Education Program: Attachment Bonds and Grief Reactions

As social creatures, humans must interact in society. At every level there exists various relationships from the micro level of the family to the macro level of a nation. In each relationship various bonds form between people and the health and intensity of each bond reflects the grief reaction. The work of John Bowlby best expresses this when he conducted his research regarding mother/child bonding.
The first and most sacred bond is the bond between child and parent. This caregiving bond establishes not only immediate care and love but also lays the foundation for future bonding with other relationships. These early bonds when secure produce healthy adults who form new bonds with other people. A secure attachment that encompasses a loving parental/child bond ensures within the child’s mind that care and protection is provided and not neglected. These same ideals transfer to relationships later in life and help people grieve in a healthy fashion.
An unhealthy attachment bond is an anxious one where the child’s needs are left or neglected. This creates an anxiety within the child that those who bond with it will not always be there to help, protect and satisfy one’s needs. In adult life, the person feels an anxiety that a partner cannot fulfill their needs and will eventually leave them when in distress. This is only more complicated when a breakup or a death occurs. Usually complicated grief reactions occur within the person. The person struggles to alter the inner representation of the lost attachment figure and also have a great difficulty in letting go. Also within their grief, they may resent their lack of attention by others for their grieving needs.
The third and final type of bonding is an avoidant attachment bond where the child makes no attempt to secure the parent’s attention due to multiple pass failures. The result is an internal methodology of coping with stress instead of seeking external help. Someone who is dismissive-avoidant will flee outside help, one who is fearful-avoidant will try to protect oneself from pain and rejection in one’s solitude.

In conclusion, child bonding is critical in forming healthy adult bonds that affect the ability of the person to grieve in a healthy fashion.
If you are interested in Grief Counseling Education Program, please review the program.
(Information for this article came from “Helping Grieving People-When Tears Are Not Enough” by J. Shep Jeffreys)
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Grief Myths and Denial of Pain

Posted on July 17, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

Grief Myths

Grief myths are self defense systems within our own mental and cognitive functioning where we utilize denial as a way to ward off pain or disturbing thoughts. Thoughts of death, or the reality of death can sometimes become overbearing and naturally denial seeps in. Denial is a natural reaction within the process of grief, but if we hold onto these myths of denial for too long a period, they can become pathological.
The first four myths listed here are personal and reflect how people attempt to dismiss pain when in grief.
1. I can handle this on my own
2. I do not need to talk about this to anyone
3. They cannot tell how upset I am
4. My pain, anger or fear will eventually go away on its own
As one can see, the person wishes to avoid the subject that causes the pain and over internalizes his/her problems thinking that eventually the grief will go away without having to face it. In this cases, counselors need to eventually and gently prod the person into talking about the loss in order for healing to begin.
The final two myths involve one’s own perception of death and is a universal human defense system that hopes to alienate one from the death and reality that thousands face everyday.
1. Bad things happen to other people, not me
2. If I do not think about it, nothing like that will ever happen to me
These myths obviously involve extreme denial and potential fear of death itself. They also lead to laxity when it comes to prevention of other possible future hardships. The man who experiences occasional heart pains will refuse to get checked out because he does not wish to acknowledge the potential problems that could cause death. In other areas natural disasters become distant stories with no true meaning. The one who watches the news and sees a person tragically loses his/her home to a tornado feels his/her home is protected from such disaster. These potential realities are merely too much for this person to accept and they ignore these things almost as if they are fairy tales. The truth is, they share the same temporal reality and a traumatic event can occur at any moment.
If you are interested in bereavement education, please review the program. If you would like to learn how to become trained in bereavement counseling.
(Information for this article was found in “Helping Grieving People-When Tears Are Not Enough by J. Shep Jeffreys)

Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Andy Whitfield and His Fight with Death

Posted on July 17, 2012September 30, 2025 by Dominick Flarey

A Gladiator Who Fought Cancer and Died with Dignity

Andy Whitfield, the actor in the Sparticus from Starz, represented on the screen a strong and powerful leader who would lead a slave rebellion against the powers of Rome, in real life, he was a strong and powerful father who would lead his own fight against cancer. Unfortunately, like Sparticus, Andy also while defying the odds, fell victim to defeat. Yet as Sparticus, one cannot deny the fortitude and strength of Andy as he faced death. In this, we can all be impressed.

Nicki Gostin writes in QA: ‘Spartacus’ star Andy Whitfield’s widow making doc about his fight with cancer; calls death ‘beautiful,’ ‘heartbreaking’ about the story of Andy Whitfield and how he said good bye to his family.

“In March 2010, Andy Whitfield was preparing to shoot the second season of the television series “Spartacus” when he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. The Welsh born actor was told that, given his age and fitness, with treatment, there was every hope for a full recovery. He immediately began chemotherapy and six weeks after the last session, a scan revealed the cancer was gone.”