In our youth, epochs of our life seem forever. Since it is all we ever knew, we sometimes felt maybe it would last forever and felt very shocked when something ended. As time progressed, we learned that things come and go, traditions and family customs change over time with the deaths of others, and that we ourselves change. In later adulthood and middle age, the reality of this really begins to set in as we see our parents age or possibly pass and our own selves begin to assume new authority roles. We learn to show more gratitude for the present and realize that life and what we do on a daily basis can change.
When I was younger, we always went to grandma and grandpa’s house for Sunday dinner. For me, that ten year period of time was most of my life and all I knew, but now that I am older, I understand that it was a happy period but one that ended and was never destined to last forever. It is important to recognize the lack of permanence to things. As a youth, 25 years seemed like two distant epochs, but as we age, we discover 25 years is not so long and time begins to go quicker. For those who have a difficult time adjusting to change or are unable to cope with the loss of time, one can quickly become trapped in the past, or unable to process the beautiful book of life. Life is a chapter to chapter process, we must enjoy the chapter we are reading, remember the past chapters and realize there are other chapters yet to read. Understanding grief, loss and how to honor the end of certain chapters is critical to coping and living a happy and productive life.
Whether it is an end of a marriage or relationship, the change of career, retirement, the death of a loved one, or finally realizing you no longer look the same as 25 years ago, it is crucial to understand change in life and how to tie the “endings” of each chapter together in one’s book of life. This involves cognitive recognition of certain realities which sometimes involves meaning re-construction especially with loss as well as coping strategies. In this short blog, we will look at how we recognize time and change and how to better cope with it.
First, we must accept the fact change is uncomfortable but also necessary. We cannot remain the same. It is impossible and would be a sad life if experiences, education, maturity, and relationships did not change us. We are constantly in a state of change but sometimes we do not notice it. We notice major changes when they occur and seem surprised we did not notice the minor incremental changes between then and the present surprise moment. Change while good also holds pain. The loss of something we care about or a transition from something that was once to something that is no longer. Sometimes this change is good other times it can be bad, but the value of change does not alter the reality of it. Nothing remains the same over time and we must be able to accept the good and the bad of change. A death of a loved one or an end of a relationship is critical but we must be able to adjust and adapt.
In dealing with the change, one must be able to experience all of its raw emotions associated with it. When a change occurs, such as a death, we cannot bypass emotions or push forward until the change is properly concluded. Hence, it involves feeling the change and working through the process of it. Even the end of chapters in a book have a page space before the next chapter starts. So in life, we have to conclude the chapter properly. This is a process of experiencing the fullness of the entire chapter and the effects of the it’s conclusion on one’s overall book of life. The past chapter must be processed, felt and experienced.
Resiliency to loss or change is a key proponent in life. Individuals who are more resilient are better equipped to more forward in life and adjust to change. When a resilient person gets knocked down, a resilient person is able to get back up. Outlooks on life and support systems in life all play critical roles in resilient people and how they are able to cope with change and move forward to one’s next chapter in life. Those who utilize positive outlooks over negative ones as well as utilize adaptive coping strategies over maladaptive coping strategies are better equipped to heal, adjust and integrate a past chapter into the next chapter of life. Processing change and properly concluding an ending emotionally involves a deep conversation with our heart. Sometimes this involves self care and giving oneself one day at a time to process, heal and properly move forward. When one rushes to conclude a chapter, one then will never understand the lesson and what is needed for the next chapter of one’s book of life.
Processing change and life involves not only emotional experience and resilience but also cognitive restructuring. This is an intellectual exercise to reframe change and loss in an understanding of the overall whole of life. When one loses someone, a relationship or career, one sometimes grasps for meaning. They are not only emotional distraught but also confused about their future role or function and what this particular negative event or change means to their life. Meaning Reconstruction is a key way one can learn to understand how change in a life relates to the individual’s past, present and future. It helps the person tie together the concluding ends of certain chapters and helps them push forward. It helps them understand events and certain characters in one’s life and the roles these events and persons played in the overall story. Robert Neimeyer, a psychologist and grief expert points out that one must be able to incorporate the change and event and tie it into one’s overall life story. Whether good or bad, these events and people make us who we are and if we cannot tie the good and the bad chapters together, then we cannot properly face endings and proceed.
Journaling is a important way to express both emotion and intellect during change. It gives the person the ability to express oneself in privacy and to later read words on paper that reflect feelings. It empowers an individual to feel some control and document one’s life story. It helps one reflect and understand the lessons of life. One can list the good and the bad of a certain chapter and the outlook and excitement for a future chapter of life. It help give one guidance in the chaos of change itself. For those do not journal, discussion, counseling, meditation, prayer or other forms of expression through art, dance or music are also excellent ways to find direction.
When individuals empower themselves with direction, they can find some order in the chaos of change. They can organize the chapters of life with each lesson, character, loss, and theme to fully more better understand their life’s plot and story. Every life is a book and how we understand the chapters plays a key role in how one proceeds gracefully from both good and bad endings in the overall story.
Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification. Grief Counselors play a key role in helping individuals with change and loss. Change and loss if processed properly is not pathological and many unlicensed pastoral counselors can help individuals navigate through the chaos. Sometimes complications occur and licensed mental health counselors are needed but for many, just the simple direction from a good pastoral counselor or grief counselor is all they need to understand their plot in the story of their life. Again, if looking to help others through grief and change, please review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification. The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals.
Additional Resources
Grover, D. “Honoring Endings: 6 Ways to Make Peace when things End.” (2023). Elephant Journal. Access here
Neimeyer, R. “Meaning Reconstruction in the Wake of Loss: Evolution of a Research Program”. (2016). Cambridge University Press. Access here
Hibberd, R. “Meaning reconstruction in bereavement: sense and significance” (2013). Death Stud . 2013 Aug;37(7):670-92.doi: 10.1080/07481187.2012.692453. NIH. Access here
Botella, L. “Psychotherapy and the Meaning of Life”. (2020). Psychology Today. Access here