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Anger and Grief

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

How to Deal with Anger in Grief

Grieving is a normal part of a human being after going through a loss. This can be loss through death or separation. It is also normal to grieve when one losses a job or had to go through a major life changing event. There are many stages of grief and anger is one of them. This is a very critical stage. Anger expressed during the grief period can make or destroy a person. Controlled anger is a healthy emotion. Although this is a necessary stage, one should not stay in anger for too long. It can turn into an uncontrollable emotion that can lead to destruction. People who do not learn how to deal with anger in grief may end up being hateful and vengeful.
Anger is expressed when a person feels helpless and out pf control of the situation. Usually it has a target. It can be at God, a partner, at doctors or at the person thought to have caused the loss or death. It can even be directed at life where the person views it as being unfair. Sometimes, the person may not even understand why they had to go through the loss.
How Anger in Grief Manifests
When the loss takes place, the person may get into a state of denial where he does not acknowledge the current events. He may go on with life normally. This may be followed by a period of shock and denial. After some time, the person may realize the full impact of the loss. This is a period of great pain and guilt where anger follows as a way of dealing with the grief. This emotion can be expressed in a rational or irrational way where one expresses it even to strangers. This is a means of getting control of the situation at hand and the loss.

How to Help a Person Dealing with Anger in Grief

A grieving person needs a lot of love and understanding. Even when he expresses anger to those close to him, they should understand that this is a normal process of coming to terms with what has just happened. The person needs help in understanding what he is going through. Here are tips on how to help him deal with the anger.

Encourage Expression of Emotions Felt
When people are grieving, they go through many confusing and contradicting emotions. They should be encouraged to talk about how they feel. Let them express the emotions they feel towards the target of their anger. If they need to cry, shout or scream, encourage them to do so. Be a good listener. Mostly, what the person needs is not someone who can advise him but someone who understands what he is going through. 
Encourage him to Talk about the Incident

Every time the person talks about the loss, some anger is let out. Let him talk as much as he wants. With time, all the anger will be gone. Although he may be a long way from accepting what has happened, at least he will have dealt with one of the destructive emotions in the grieving period.
Be Good Company
Although a grieving person may want to spend more time alone, he needs someone to make him realize that life still goes on even after the loss. Help him get back to the activities he loved before the tragedy. Do something fun and engaging together. Make him laugh again. At first, he will be shocked or even feel guilty of enjoying life even if it is for a few minutes but with time, this will help him deal with the anger.
When in anger, all a person can think of is the loss and how unfair life is. Remind him of the good things, good times and achievements he had before the loss. Fill his thoughts with positive memories. If it is a loved one who died, remind him of the good times they shared and the positive impact the person had on him and others.

When anger in grief is destructive, the person may need grief counseling and medication. He may be defiant but if you approach the topic with a lot of love and understanding, he will agree to get help. Accompany him to the sessions and help him as much as you can.
Anger is a normal reaction but it should be dealt with properly for the person to completely recover from the loss.
If you are interested in the grief process, please review the program.
For more information on grief counseling courses, please review the program.

Finding Happiness in Grief Support During Special Days

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Grief Counseling The Grief Through Days of Celebration

As we all know, grief is just not one pit of despair but a long trek of peaks and valleys.  During times of memorial, holidays, or celebration, people can have joy and should not feel guilty about it.  Still some people may experience a grief that lingers and this is natural.  Regardless, as adaptation and healthy grief support takes over, the person will feel grief but in a new way that flows with their new chapter of life.  The article below talks about fellow grievers celebrating a Jewish holiday together.
Johanna Ginsberg, for the New Jersey Jewish News, writes about how people can come together during times of celebration despite loss and find fulfillment in her article, “Dealing with Grief During a Time of Celebration”

“Six people gathered at Barnabas Health Hospice and Palliative Care Center in West Orange on Monday night, Sept. 10, just one week before the start of Rosh Hashana. All had recently suffered a loss, and all had come to a one-day workshop to help them get through the High Holy Day season.”

To read the full article, please click here.

This is an excellent way for people inflicted by a loss to find consolation among others who have walked the same path.
If you are interested in Grief Counseling Courses and our certification program in grief counseling, please review the program and click here.

Mark Moran

Their Death Will Never Be In Vain

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

AIHCP Takes Today To Remember Our Fallen On 911

AIHCP would like to offer its prayers and love to the families who lost loved ones in the 911 attack over ten years ago.  We pray for those who suffered from the crash in PA, the assault in NYC and the strike upon DC.
On this solemn anniversary, we pray for the living and the dead who experienced this assault on our country.   We also would like to give thanks to those who offered their lives in defense of our country after this assault.  Your efforts and sacrifices will not be in vain.
May God bless America
AIHCP
To review our programs, please click here

Certification Program in Grief Counseling: Traumatic Grief Symptoms for Colorado Movie Massacre Survivors

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Traumatic Grief and the Colorado Movie Massacre

The horrendous events in Colorado at the opening of “Batman Dark Knight Rises” has shocked a nation and brought a community into incredible and traumatic grief.  Yet besides the national buzz over better security, terrorism and gun control, the survivors of the horrific event are facing other questions.  Questions that are beyond the the historical event but questions that challenge their very reason of existence.
While Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and other symptoms of complicated grief may not affect every survivor, there is a good bet that out of the 58 injured and hundred present that many people will experience these issues.
Traumatic grief is usually caused by a universally and objective heinous action that cripples the mind’s ability to process the grief in a normal fashion.  It is simply to horrible to imagine.  Under its prerequisites are listed sudden deaths, personal encounters with death and deaths that involve intense violence.  Like 911, school shootings and other acts of terrorism, the Colorado movie massacre fits all descriptions of an event that will cause traumatic grief for survivors.

What are the Survivors Feeling?

The survivors of this shooting are probably feeling an array of different symptoms of grief.  All people grieve differently due to subjective elements that make a person unique.  How these subjective elements fuse with an objective event such as this shooting cannot be predicted.  However, if traumatic grief is present in certain individuals, one can safely bet there are basic psychological reactions that are occurring within the survivors.
With all severe emotional trauma noted psychologist, Robert Neimeyer, notes that survivors will be unable to remove various images of the carnage that took place in Colorado.  The traumatic events will flood the brain and vivid memories will stamp themselves to the brain.  These memories will settle in the Amygdala of the brain and will be awakened without conscious control when various senses or stimuli are reminded of the event.  This puts the person in a persistent state where vivid memories can flash back before one’s eyes without any control.
Robert Lifton, an expert in the effects of traumatic grief on people, points out that people can face these demons and seek healing or fall victim to the overwhelming nature of the event and fall into a pit of psychological numbing.  Psychic numbing is a dissociative phenomenon where the “crucial components of the self are simply unavailable to the ego”.  Psychic numbing involves the mind becoming paralyzed to healing and change.  The scars of the event or simply too horrible for the mind to comprehend and, in defense, the mind cuts itself away from these images.  Through this, the cognitive images and the feelings associated with them are severed and unfaced.
In addition to this, the survivors may also be facing a death imprint.  A death imprint is a drastic and intimate dance with death that leaves the person in a state of anxiety.  The event, how one acted in the event and how it all unfolded haunt the person. The survivors in Colorado may well indeed feel helpless as the event replays over and over inside their mind.

Some may also experience death guilt.  The survivors may feel they could have done more.  As young children were shot, adults may feel guilty for ducking errant bullets.  Adults or friends may feel they should have covered or shielded a love one from the spray of gunfire.  Instead of blaming the incarnate demon and madman who opened fired upon the helpless population, those trapped in death guilt only see their own perceived inaction-which i in no way their fault.

How Do They Move On?

This is the ultimate question.  Some will blame God, lose faith, while others will find faith.  Some will show resiliency, while others will be afflicted with traumatic grief.  Ultimately, the pain of this event will be a continued process that will never completely go away.  Those that will recover will learn to live with the pain of the event in a healthy fashion and reconstruct meaning in their life.  As Neimeyer points out, one must find new meaning to life and reconstruct one’s past, present and future life with the traumatic event.  They must learn how this event plays a role in their life. It can never be left in the past, but it does not have to dominate the future.  While this process will be life long and “acceptable” notions of adaptation may vary among survivors, one can only hope through prayer and blessings that these victims can somehow find wholeness.   Grief counselors will without a doubt be called upon to help these people find this wholeness.
While reconstructing new meaning to one’s life is imperative, many people will respond with emotion and follow the various phases of grief in their healing.  One way to connect the traumatic event with the present and future in a constructive way is for survivors to create a survivor mission.  This mission may be through activism and can be utilized to help one face their suffering and find love and future wholeness in their life.
Ultimately this event will not only scar the survivors and the families of the deceased but will also scar the United States and its citizens for years to come.  A place of entertainment, escape from stress, and a place of security has forever been breached and this will have ample reprecussions on the mental state of the country for decades to come.
If you are interested in traumatic grief or other grief related sources, please review the program.
(Information was found through the studies of Neimeyer, Lifton and the text ‘Transfiguring Loss” by Jane Maynard)

Please also review our certification program in grief counseling.
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Grief Counseling Training: Helping Parents Grieve

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Grief Counseling Training: Barry Kluger and Kelly Farley are champions in the pursuit to help parents grieve the loss of a child.

by: CNN
By Olivia Smith, Special to CNN
Access article: click here

There is no greater tragedy than the loss of a child. Barry Kluger and Kelly Farley are helping by their initiatives in the Parental Bereavement Act, a legislation to amend the Family Medical Leave Act to include time off for grieve in the loss of a child. This article provides the story and issues regarding this new initiative. The American Academy of Grief Counseling is very supportive of Barry and Kelly and their fine work. Please take time to review this article on CNN. If you are interested in becoming a grief counselor you may access info at this link: grief counseling training.

A Grief Counseling Program Can Help With A Tragedy.

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

How a Good Grief Counseling Program can Help Start the Healing.

The article, “In the Wake of Tragedy, How Do We Begin to Heal?”, by Shruti Eva Saini states

“As more details emerge from last night’s horrific shooting in Aurora, Colorado we’ll try to make sense of what happened. But we won’t be able to. How do you even begin to make sense of the nonsensical?”

For the full article please go here.

A grief counselor cannot be prepared for everything.   We are in fact only human.   We can however be there to help pick up and rebuild.
If you are looking for an excellent grief counseling program then you might want to visit our website for more information.

Families that Cope with Grief

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Coping with Grief as a Family: Inactivity or Activity?

A family structure and its tensions, both past and present, can form or come to rise during a death in the family.  While this is unfortunate, it is also true.   The particular family dynamic and how the collective whole recovers can determine the emotional health of individual members.  Families that cope with grief as a communicative unit recover collectively over the loss better than families who divide and fall apart in a dark despair of silence.

A Death in the Family Shakes Up the Physiology of the Family

Just as an organism has various individual functioning elements, so does a family as a social organism.  When a patriarch or matriarch dies, there is a shuffle of responsibilities and a reorganization of inter-relationships.  Some of these changes and alterations are beneficial while others cause distress within the family unit.
The most important thing to remember is for a family to keep an open line of communication after death.  This is first accomplished through viewing hours, the funeral, eulogies and the wake.  However, the family cannot stop there but must continue to support one another and “pick up the slack”.  However in doing this, the individual family members need to be aware of the various secondary losses that may be occurring within their own family.

What Are Secondary Losses?

While it is easy to dismiss secondary losses or scorn those having them, especially since someone just passed away, it is psyhologically important to identify them.  It is important for family members not to just mourn the loss of a loved one, but also to mourn the loss of what that person represented to them.  For example, a grieving widow has not only loss her husband but also a breadwinner.  How will the family help the new widow of the family?   Another example regards a younger member of the family.  While losing a father, he may now have to support his mother hence costing him time to go to college.  While these may seem selfish and people may nevertheless heroically sacrifice for the good of the whole, these losses nonetheless remain losses that need to be acknowledged without fear of a guilt.
The family unit should meet together and re-address the situation of the family and understand the new construction of roles and sacrifices others must make.  In addition to this, these sacrifices must be applauded and respected and in some cases, help should be supplied to help those minimize their secondary losses.

A Family That Prays Together, Stays Together

The above phrase is not only true because of its spiritual overtones but also because it emphasizes communion and expression.  A family that is united in prayer or whatever other formal communication is open to the needs of the individuals within the family unit.  Aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings can all be there for each other and understand the stresses and pains each are feeling.

This open line of communication aids the family in healing and also prevents others from potentially lapsing into complicated grief reactions.  Within this communication, the family retells the events of the death or remembers good times of the loss loved one.  These stories unite the family together in remembrance and allow for healthy expressions of grief through love and support.  It is also crucial to allow children of the family to become involved in these sessions.  Adults need to take the time to answer questions and include the concern of the children.  All too many times, the children are shielded from the funeral or group discussion and their grief becomes disenfranchised.

It is important for healthy intra-family dynamics to exist for all members to fully recover from grief.  Silence, hiding emotions or division will only cause further emotional stress and dysfunction within the new family structure.  As a grief counselor or care giver, one should not confront this resistance openly but quietly pursue and offer families opportunities to meet together and express grief.
Ultimately a family is only as strong as its weakest member and to throw in yet another cliche, divided one is weak but together all are strong.
If you are interested in and wish to learn more about the grief counseling certification, please review the program.
(Information for this article was found in “Helping Grieving People-When Tears Are Not Enough” by J. Shep Jeffreys)
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Why Do You Fear Death?

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Death Comes To Everyone: Grief and Bereavement Education

The moments the first air fills into the lungs of an infant, death has already come one second closer.  We are all born to die.  Death is inevitable.  Yet while a inevitable, some people fear it, while others respect or welcome it.  What causes these emotional differences within the human mind?
One can look at an array of philosophical, social and theological variables that form one’s opinion on death.  From the standpoint of the modern man, an array of pithy sayings and clichés fill books with supposed help.  Euphemisms that side track one from the seriousness of death and attempt to humorize it as a joke are quite common.  Why not mock or joke about what ultimately terrifies you to gain some control over it?  Yet the inner question and fear mingles of what exists after death?  This is the ultimate unknown that  nor pithy sayings can distract one from.  The end reality is clear no matter what philosophical approach one takes and that reality is death will come.  All past possessions, all earthly happiness is uprooted and destroyed as temporal consciousness is ripped from the body (Marra).   Dr. Marra, a philosopher and teacher, states that death “‘cannot be bribed, coaxed, restrained.  It may perhaps be put off for awhile, but it will not be cheated of its prize”.
With such ominous foreshadowing, whether one philosophically holds to escapism, sarcastic, or materialism, one will still eventually die.  However, whether one dies with dignity or extreme fear is not a matter of philosophical choice but emotional state.
The emotional state of someone who faces death is greatly effected by culture and faith.  While philosophies are mere mental projections of “what” or “what if”, faith and culture adhere closer to one’s heart and have true meaning.  For example, a religious man with little philosophical knowledge of death may greet it with more peace than a philosopher who is tortured by the many queries he is about to face.
While religion does not guarantee a “peaceful” death one definitely can see higher correlations of peace and death when religion is infused properly.  I say properly because, in some cases, a sick faith can permeate a person into severe fear of Hell or guilt.  In their final moments they are tormented with fear instead of God’s loving peace.

Overall, but not entirely, those with a good relationship with whatever God they may believe in, have a better coping mentality with death.  This is especially true of those with deep faith and hope in their God.
Ultimately, why do you fear death?  Here are some questions to ask yourself.
Is it death or a type of death I fear?
Is it death or merely an untimely death?
Is it that you fear for the care of your family?
Is it that you fear the unknown?
Is it that you fear losing your worldly possessions?
Is it that you fear becoming non-existent?
Is it that you fear Hell?
It is important to understand why you fear death and face these fears to develop a healthier respect for it.  For those of religion, most accept that death is a result a sin and a just punishment.  One is to accept one’s punishment and be rewarded in the next life.  This gives some consolation to many but if it does not give consolation to you, then what can give you consolation when the reaper comes for you?
If you are interested in grief and bereavement education, please review the program.
(Some information was taken from “Happiness and Christian Hope” by William Marra)
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Grief Counseling Education Program: Early Attachment Bonding and Its Effects on Adult Grieving

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Grief Counseling Education Program: Attachment Bonds and Grief Reactions

As social creatures, humans must interact in society.  At every level there exists various relationships from the micro level of the family to the macro level of a nation.  In each relationship various bonds form between people and the health and intensity of each bond reflects the grief reaction.  The work of John Bowlby best expresses this when he conducted his research regarding mother/child bonding.
The first and most sacred bond is the bond between child and parent.  This caregiving bond establishes not only immediate care and love but also lays the foundation for future bonding with other relationships.  These early bonds when secure produce healthy adults who form new bonds with other people.  A secure attachment that encompasses a loving parental/child bond ensures within the child’s mind that care and protection is provided and not neglected.  These same ideals transfer to relationships later in life and help people grieve in a healthy fashion.
An unhealthy attachment bond is an anxious one where the child’s needs are left or neglected.  This creates an anxiety within the child that those who bond with it will not always be there to help, protect and satisfy one’s needs.  In adult life, the person feels an anxiety that a partner cannot fulfill their needs and will eventually leave them when in distress.  This is only more complicated when a breakup or a death occurs.  Usually complicated grief reactions occur within the person.  The person struggles to alter the inner representation of the lost attachment figure and also have a great difficulty in letting go.  Also within their grief, they may resent their lack of attention by others for their grieving needs.
The third and final type of bonding is an avoidant attachment bond where the child makes no attempt to secure the parent’s attention due to multiple pass failures.  The result is an internal methodology of coping with stress instead of seeking external help.  Someone who is dismissive-avoidant will flee outside help, one who is fearful-avoidant will try to protect oneself from pain and rejection in one’s solitude.

In conclusion, child bonding is critical in forming healthy adult bonds that affect the ability of the person to grieve in a healthy fashion.
If you are interested in Grief Counseling Education Program, please review the program.
(Information for this article came from “Helping Grieving People-When Tears Are Not Enough” by J. Shep Jeffreys)
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Grief Myths and Denial of Pain

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Grief Myths

Grief myths are self defense systems within our own mental and cognitive functioning where we utilize denial as a way to ward off pain or disturbing thoughts.  Thoughts of death, or the reality of death can sometimes become overbearing and naturally denial seeps in.  Denial is a natural reaction within the process of grief, but if we hold onto these myths of denial for too long a period, they can become pathological.
The first four myths listed here are personal and reflect how people attempt to dismiss pain when in grief.
1.  I can handle this on my own
2. I do not need to talk about this to anyone
3. They cannot tell how upset I am
4. My pain, anger or fear will eventually go away on its own
As one can see, the person wishes to avoid the subject that causes the pain and over internalizes his/her problems thinking that eventually the grief will go away without having to face it.  In this cases, counselors need to eventually and gently prod the person into talking about the loss in order for healing to begin.
The final two myths involve one’s own perception of death and is a universal human defense system that hopes to alienate one from the death and reality that thousands face everyday.
1. Bad things happen to other people, not me
2. If I do not think about it, nothing like that will ever happen to me
These myths obviously involve extreme denial and potential fear of death itself.  They also lead to laxity when it comes to prevention of other possible future hardships.  The man who experiences occasional heart pains will refuse to get checked out because he does not wish to acknowledge the potential problems that could cause death.  In other areas natural disasters become distant stories with no true meaning.  The one who watches the news and sees a person tragically loses his/her home to a tornado feels his/her home is protected from such disaster.  These potential realities are merely too much for this person to accept and they ignore these things almost as if they are fairy tales.  The truth is, they share the same temporal reality and a traumatic event can occur at any moment.
If you are interested in bereavement education, please review the program. If you would like to learn how to become trained in bereavement counseling.
(Information for this article was found in “Helping Grieving People-When Tears Are Not Enough by J. Shep Jeffreys)

Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C