Who Cares About the Pastoral Caregivers?

Posted on July 19, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

Pastoral Care for the One Who Cares the Most

My grandmother cared tirelessly for my grandfather and as his health gradually deteriorated he became more needy in his everyday activities. Fortunately for my grandfather, my grandmother was a nurse and knew how to care for someone who was gradually becoming less and less physically capable. Her energy level was amazing and my grandfather through the final two surgeries received top notch care and affection. After my grandfather’s eventual death, my grandmother finally slowed down some herself, almost as if her body knew she no longer was needed everyday. Still alive, still moving, but now with a cane, my grandmother showed her own pastoral and emotional care for my grandfather through the fulfillment of her vow-“in sickness and health”.
Many primary caregivers are not as energetic or well trained in end of life care as my grandmother, however, even my grandmother showed the tired face and burnout that accompanies caring for a loved one. This can be twice as draining on someone with little knowledge or training to care for the sick. The constant pressure and beat of the drum that pushes the primary care giver to doctor visits, prescription and medication study, dosage delivery, feeding, cleaning and the emotional realization that the one you love is going to die soon is overbearing.
Professionals recognize this as caregiver grief. This type of grief not only affects the primary caregiver emotionally over the loss but it also strips from them the loss of a future and loss of freedom. The vacation that was once planned by a couple is now forever gone as a faithful wife tends to a crippling disease that is killing her husband. Or, that special 50th wedding anniversary will not become a reality because one’s wife will not live to experience the 49th one. In addition, the loss of freedom strips the primary caregiver of the ability to go to the movies, or visit others at a picnic. Gradually, the vocation of caregiving for their loved one, forces these people to give up on extra curricular activities because the demand of care is so overwhelming. This was not only the case with my grandmother, but also my other grandmother who also gives up much of her time and energy for care of her husband. How many times do we see our loved ones becoming burnt out because we will not take that simple step to offer an hour or two of our day?
Pastoral counselors need to let the primary caregivers know that it is alright to be tired and it is alright to take time off. Pastoral counselors need to emphasize occasional relief through other family members or respite care. Respite care is available within hospice and can help the primary caregiver have a few days to him or herself. The National Family Caregivers Association sometimes helps charitably with the fees for hospice in this service.

Most importantly, pastoral caregivers need to let the primary caregiver know that is alright to feel emotions of guilt, resentment and anxiety at times towards the dying loved one. These are natural emotions and do not mean that one does not love or wish to not care for one’s dying partner or parent.
In fact, after the death of a terminally or chronically ill person, sometimes the primary caregiver is known to have some relief. Not in a relief that the one they love has died but a relief that they have performed their duty with courage and devotion and that their loved one is now free from suffering.
With these things in mind, who cares about the primary caregiver?–everyone should.
If you are interested in Pastoral Care Education, please review the program.
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Pastoral Care and Use of Advance Directives

Posted on July 19, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

Pastoral Care Giving and Advance Directives

It is important in Pastoral Care to also ensure that the needs of the dying patient are met in full. This not only involves physical and spiritual support but also helping one fulfill their end desires for themselves or family. Advance Directives are essential elements in knowing exactly what the dying patient would want or wish if he/she is unconscious or unresponsive in his/her final hours.
An Advance Medical Directive can solve many problems in regards to who takes charger in an event if the person loses consciousness. It also lays out groundwork for care givers and medical providers to follow in regards to medical treatment with regard to extra-ordinary life sustaining measures and whether to pursue prolongation of life or pursue comfort measures.
These questions can become very confusing if there is no Advance Medical Directive to follow and the care givers, medical providers and family members can enter into a guessing game that can lead to numerous debates. If there is a Advance Medical Directive, the proper authorities should receive it and utilize it when the path becomes murky regarding ethical or medical decisions.
The Directive itself lists who the patient wishes to be his/her health care representative with alternate choices following if the primary representative is unable to perform his/her duties. Following this is a list of situations that involve pain and suffering, mental incapacity, physical immobility, physical helplessness, interest of loved ones and potential living situations.
Ultimately the autonomy of the patient is a critical concern in pastoral care. As long as the requests are within reason, a patient’s rights must be met and listened to.
If you are interested in Pastoral Care Education, please review the program.
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Families that Cope with Grief

Posted on July 18, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

Coping with Grief as a Family: Inactivity or Activity?

A family structure and its tensions, both past and present, can form or come to rise during a death in the family. While this is unfortunate, it is also true. The particular family dynamic and how the collective whole recovers can determine the emotional health of individual members. Families that cope with grief as a communicative unit recover collectively over the loss better than families who divide and fall apart in a dark despair of silence.

A Death in the Family Shakes Up the Physiology of the Family

Just as an organism has various individual functioning elements, so does a family as a social organism. When a patriarch or matriarch dies, there is a shuffle of responsibilities and a reorganization of inter-relationships. Some of these changes and alterations are beneficial while others cause distress within the family unit.
The most important thing to remember is for a family to keep an open line of communication after death. This is first accomplished through viewing hours, the funeral, eulogies and the wake. However, the family cannot stop there but must continue to support one another and “pick up the slack”. However in doing this, the individual family members need to be aware of the various secondary losses that may be occurring within their own family.

What Are Secondary Losses?

While it is easy to dismiss secondary losses or scorn those having them, especially since someone just passed away, it is psyhologically important to identify them. It is important for family members not to just mourn the loss of a loved one, but also to mourn the loss of what that person represented to them. For example, a grieving widow has not only loss her husband but also a breadwinner. How will the family help the new widow of the family? Another example regards a younger member of the family. While losing a father, he may now have to support his mother hence costing him time to go to college. While these may seem selfish and people may nevertheless heroically sacrifice for the good of the whole, these losses nonetheless remain losses that need to be acknowledged without fear of a guilt.
The family unit should meet together and re-address the situation of the family and understand the new construction of roles and sacrifices others must make. In addition to this, these sacrifices must be applauded and respected and in some cases, help should be supplied to help those minimize their secondary losses.

A Family That Prays Together, Stays Together

The above phrase is not only true because of its spiritual overtones but also because it emphasizes communion and expression. A family that is united in prayer or whatever other formal communication is open to the needs of the individuals within the family unit. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings can all be there for each other and understand the stresses and pains each are feeling.

This open line of communication aids the family in healing and also prevents others from potentially lapsing into complicated grief reactions. Within this communication, the family retells the events of the death or remembers good times of the loss loved one. These stories unite the family together in remembrance and allow for healthy expressions of grief through love and support. It is also crucial to allow children of the family to become involved in these sessions. Adults need to take the time to answer questions and include the concern of the children. All too many times, the children are shielded from the funeral or group discussion and their grief becomes disenfranchised.

It is important for healthy intra-family dynamics to exist for all members to fully recover from grief. Silence, hiding emotions or division will only cause further emotional stress and dysfunction within the new family structure. As a grief counselor or care giver, one should not confront this resistance openly but quietly pursue and offer families opportunities to meet together and express grief.
Ultimately a family is only as strong as its weakest member and to throw in yet another cliche, divided one is weak but together all are strong.
If you are interested in and wish to learn more about the grief counseling certification, please review the program.
(Information for this article was found in “Helping Grieving People-When Tears Are Not Enough” by J. Shep Jeffreys)
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Why Do You Fear Death?

Posted on July 18, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

Death Comes To Everyone: Grief and Bereavement Education

The moments the first air fills into the lungs of an infant, death has already come one second closer. We are all born to die. Death is inevitable. Yet while a inevitable, some people fear it, while others respect or welcome it. What causes these emotional differences within the human mind?
One can look at an array of philosophical, social and theological variables that form one’s opinion on death. From the standpoint of the modern man, an array of pithy sayings and clichés fill books with supposed help. Euphemisms that side track one from the seriousness of death and attempt to humorize it as a joke are quite common. Why not mock or joke about what ultimately terrifies you to gain some control over it? Yet the inner question and fear mingles of what exists after death? This is the ultimate unknown that nor pithy sayings can distract one from. The end reality is clear no matter what philosophical approach one takes and that reality is death will come. All past possessions, all earthly happiness is uprooted and destroyed as temporal consciousness is ripped from the body (Marra). Dr. Marra, a philosopher and teacher, states that death “‘cannot be bribed, coaxed, restrained. It may perhaps be put off for awhile, but it will not be cheated of its prize”.
With such ominous foreshadowing, whether one philosophically holds to escapism, sarcastic, or materialism, one will still eventually die. However, whether one dies with dignity or extreme fear is not a matter of philosophical choice but emotional state.
The emotional state of someone who faces death is greatly effected by culture and faith. While philosophies are mere mental projections of “what” or “what if”, faith and culture adhere closer to one’s heart and have true meaning. For example, a religious man with little philosophical knowledge of death may greet it with more peace than a philosopher who is tortured by the many queries he is about to face.
While religion does not guarantee a “peaceful” death one definitely can see higher correlations of peace and death when religion is infused properly. I say properly because, in some cases, a sick faith can permeate a person into severe fear of Hell or guilt. In their final moments they are tormented with fear instead of God’s loving peace.

Overall, but not entirely, those with a good relationship with whatever God they may believe in, have a better coping mentality with death. This is especially true of those with deep faith and hope in their God.
Ultimately, why do you fear death? Here are some questions to ask yourself.
Is it death or a type of death I fear?
Is it death or merely an untimely death?
Is it that you fear for the care of your family?
Is it that you fear the unknown?
Is it that you fear losing your worldly possessions?
Is it that you fear becoming non-existent?
Is it that you fear Hell?
It is important to understand why you fear death and face these fears to develop a healthier respect for it. For those of religion, most accept that death is a result a sin and a just punishment. One is to accept one’s punishment and be rewarded in the next life. This gives some consolation to many but if it does not give consolation to you, then what can give you consolation when the reaper comes for you?
If you are interested in grief and bereavement education, please review the program.
(Some information was taken from “Happiness and Christian Hope” by William Marra)
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Causes of Stress: Can Our Foods Be Causing It?

Posted on July 18, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

A bowl of red cherries — Your food coloring should be all natural and not processed.

Can Food We Eat Be Causes Of Stress?

The article, “Stressed?! Maybe You’re Eating Too Much of These”, by Margaret Reffell states

“You’ve all heard “you are what you eat” before, right? Well we now know that that is true on a more fundamental level than you ever could have imagined.”

For the full list please go here.

A contain of Chinese takeout — Many Chinese restaurants have added MSG.

Who would have thought our diet and the foods we eat could be the causes of stress. Maybe the morning cup of coffee is not quite the best friend you thought it was?
If you are interested in a stress management consulting program or taking online stress management courses then you might want to visit our website.

Grief Counseling Education Program: Early Attachment Bonding and Its Effects on Adult Grieving

Posted on July 17, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

Grief Counseling Education Program: Attachment Bonds and Grief Reactions

As social creatures, humans must interact in society. At every level there exists various relationships from the micro level of the family to the macro level of a nation. In each relationship various bonds form between people and the health and intensity of each bond reflects the grief reaction. The work of John Bowlby best expresses this when he conducted his research regarding mother/child bonding.
The first and most sacred bond is the bond between child and parent. This caregiving bond establishes not only immediate care and love but also lays the foundation for future bonding with other relationships. These early bonds when secure produce healthy adults who form new bonds with other people. A secure attachment that encompasses a loving parental/child bond ensures within the child’s mind that care and protection is provided and not neglected. These same ideals transfer to relationships later in life and help people grieve in a healthy fashion.
An unhealthy attachment bond is an anxious one where the child’s needs are left or neglected. This creates an anxiety within the child that those who bond with it will not always be there to help, protect and satisfy one’s needs. In adult life, the person feels an anxiety that a partner cannot fulfill their needs and will eventually leave them when in distress. This is only more complicated when a breakup or a death occurs. Usually complicated grief reactions occur within the person. The person struggles to alter the inner representation of the lost attachment figure and also have a great difficulty in letting go. Also within their grief, they may resent their lack of attention by others for their grieving needs.
The third and final type of bonding is an avoidant attachment bond where the child makes no attempt to secure the parent’s attention due to multiple pass failures. The result is an internal methodology of coping with stress instead of seeking external help. Someone who is dismissive-avoidant will flee outside help, one who is fearful-avoidant will try to protect oneself from pain and rejection in one’s solitude.

In conclusion, child bonding is critical in forming healthy adult bonds that affect the ability of the person to grieve in a healthy fashion.
If you are interested in Grief Counseling Education Program, please review the program.
(Information for this article came from “Helping Grieving People-When Tears Are Not Enough” by J. Shep Jeffreys)
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Grief Myths and Denial of Pain

Posted on July 17, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

Grief Myths

Grief myths are self defense systems within our own mental and cognitive functioning where we utilize denial as a way to ward off pain or disturbing thoughts. Thoughts of death, or the reality of death can sometimes become overbearing and naturally denial seeps in. Denial is a natural reaction within the process of grief, but if we hold onto these myths of denial for too long a period, they can become pathological.
The first four myths listed here are personal and reflect how people attempt to dismiss pain when in grief.
1. I can handle this on my own
2. I do not need to talk about this to anyone
3. They cannot tell how upset I am
4. My pain, anger or fear will eventually go away on its own
As one can see, the person wishes to avoid the subject that causes the pain and over internalizes his/her problems thinking that eventually the grief will go away without having to face it. In this cases, counselors need to eventually and gently prod the person into talking about the loss in order for healing to begin.
The final two myths involve one’s own perception of death and is a universal human defense system that hopes to alienate one from the death and reality that thousands face everyday.
1. Bad things happen to other people, not me
2. If I do not think about it, nothing like that will ever happen to me
These myths obviously involve extreme denial and potential fear of death itself. They also lead to laxity when it comes to prevention of other possible future hardships. The man who experiences occasional heart pains will refuse to get checked out because he does not wish to acknowledge the potential problems that could cause death. In other areas natural disasters become distant stories with no true meaning. The one who watches the news and sees a person tragically loses his/her home to a tornado feels his/her home is protected from such disaster. These potential realities are merely too much for this person to accept and they ignore these things almost as if they are fairy tales. The truth is, they share the same temporal reality and a traumatic event can occur at any moment.
If you are interested in bereavement education, please review the program. If you would like to learn how to become trained in bereavement counseling.
(Information for this article was found in “Helping Grieving People-When Tears Are Not Enough by J. Shep Jeffreys)

Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Andy Whitfield and His Fight with Death

Posted on July 17, 2012September 30, 2025 by Dominick Flarey

A Gladiator Who Fought Cancer and Died with Dignity

Andy Whitfield, the actor in the Sparticus from Starz, represented on the screen a strong and powerful leader who would lead a slave rebellion against the powers of Rome, in real life, he was a strong and powerful father who would lead his own fight against cancer. Unfortunately, like Sparticus, Andy also while defying the odds, fell victim to defeat. Yet as Sparticus, one cannot deny the fortitude and strength of Andy as he faced death. In this, we can all be impressed.

Nicki Gostin writes in QA: ‘Spartacus’ star Andy Whitfield’s widow making doc about his fight with cancer; calls death ‘beautiful,’ ‘heartbreaking’ about the story of Andy Whitfield and how he said good bye to his family.

“In March 2010, Andy Whitfield was preparing to shoot the second season of the television series “Spartacus” when he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. The Welsh born actor was told that, given his age and fitness, with treatment, there was every hope for a full recovery. He immediately began chemotherapy and six weeks after the last session, a scan revealed the cancer was gone.”

Three Conditions of Grief

Posted on July 13, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

The Three Bonds That Provoke The Grief Reaction

There are three states of being in regards to grief reaction that grief counselors and other psychological professionals have identified. They deal primarily with the state of bonding and the loss that correlates with that. Like all ideal states of happiness, things can be taken, threatened or never fulfilled. This is the state of man in the fallen and temporal world. True happiness can never be found in this world which forces people to seek the supernatural where in the next life, happiness is never lost, threatened or unfulfilled.
In regards to grief, the change that participates the loss creates grief within the heart of the person. When someone loses a loved one, the bond is broken or altered. This can be compared to death, broken relationships or divorce. In regards to death, this bond can later be re-altered into a new relationship. When this adjustment is accomplished, one then officially heals, although, the anxiety of separation always exists but at normal pre-loss levels.
Grief, however, can be felt if any existing bond is threatened. For instance, the mere thought of losing a loved one can cause an ache within the heart. Also, people who care for their terminally ill family, also experience the threat to an existing bond.
Finally, the unestablished bond creates an emptiness within the heart of man. The miscarriage, the unreciprocated love, or any dream that can never become a reality are found in this pains.

These are the painful losses people can experience due to bonding. It is quite ironic that what feeds the soul of man via social interaction is also eventually his greatest pain. This again only alludes to the reality that the temporal plane is not man’s highest aim for no true happiness can come in this valley tears, but every now and then, a bond is formed, and that bond gives us a glimpse of the eternal bond we will share in Heaven.
If you are interested in Grief Counseling Training, please review the program.
(Material for this blog was found in “Helping Grieving People-When Tears Are Not Enough” by J. Shep Jeffereys

Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Human Grief and Basic Principles

Posted on July 13, 2012October 18, 2022 by Dominick Flarey

Seven Principles of Human Grief

There are seven principles that collect the vast and diverse experience of human emotion and grief. Grief counselors should be aware of these seven principles when counseling the bereaved.
The first principle is there is no one right way to grieve. Remembering this will prevent counselors from forcing everyone into one paradigm that may not fit for a particular person. For instance, some people show resilience in their grieving. If one was to assert that these people are in denial, then proper counseling would not correlate with those who are in fact resilient.
Second, one cannot fix or cure grief. This is fundamental. Grief is a natural process that must work itself through due to loss.
Third, there is no universal time table. Although most professionals give normal grief reactions six months to come to a acceptable close, one cannot assert this for every individual. There are too many variables that can influence how long one will grieve verus another person.
Fourth, every loss is a multiple loss. This simply means, when one loses someone, they also lose another aspect in their life. These are called secondary losses. A wife who loses a husband, not only loses her love, but also loses a bread winner.
Fifth, is a simple equation that all should remember: Change=Loss=Grief. Any type of change produces a loss of something that was previously different. In the losing of the past, grief takes place, even if the change brings some joy as well. An example of this would be moving away from home. The new challenges and start are exciting, but we are still losing some part of life we once cherished.
Sixth, when one grieves a new loss, we also grieve old losses. It is only natural to compare and contrast the present with the past. The dying of a loved one can remind us of the loss of past loved ones and how they suffered.
Finally, we can grieve when a loss has occurred or is even threatened. This is referred to as Anticipatory Grief.
If you are interested in Grief Counseling Training, please review the program.
(The Seven Principles of Grief can be found in the text, “Helping Grieving People-When Tears Are Not Enough” by J. Shep Jeffreys)

Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C