Author: Dominick Flarey

Adolescent Grief Counseling: Helping Teens Through Death and Grief

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Teenagers Need Special Consideration During Grief

Teenagers are hard to understand due to a multitude of life changes.  First and foremost, their bodies are changing. Hormones are flowing through their blood, altering and changing them into young adults.  While these changes may occur physically, in many cases, there still exists a child that is confused.  Secondly, teenagers are dealing with an array of pressures at school and among peers.  As the teenager attempts to discover his or her self identity, he or she is confronted with new ideals that may contradict ideals at home.  The lack of self confidence, changing physical features and the inner child may need to seek conformity with the latest social fads.  If this recipe for confusion is not enough, then merely add grief, stir and let it rise.
Adolescents need particular care during the mourning of a loved one.  First, one needs to help them acknowledge the death.  In acknowledging the death, do not be surprised to discover that what may not seem important to you is very critical to the adolescent.  The death of a boyfriend or girlfriend, or a school mate may be more influencing than a parent may think.  Also, do not be surprised to find a myriad of emotional responses if one prods long enough.  For example, if one’s loved one is killed violently, do not be surprised for a teen to have severe rage fantasies of enacting vengeance upon the culprit.  It is important during these times to allow the teen to express but differentiate between healthy expression and taking action.  Finally, when acknowledging the death, do not be surprised to discover that the teen is still not immune from magical thinking.  A teen could very easily feel severe guilt over a fight with a  parent who later died that day.  The key to remember is that teens, while appearing more adult like, are emotionally still childlike.
Second, one needs to help the teen move towards the pain of the particular loss.  Just because teens appear resistant to mourning does not mean they are not in intense pain over a loss.  Adolescents need to know that it is fine to express one’s feelings over loss.
Third, help teens remember the person who died.  Teens will sometimes use journals or create memorials for the loss of loved ones.  This is  common when a schoolmate dies due to a car crash or other misfortune death.  The teenagers come together in vigil and later offer commemorations for their fallen peer.
Fourth, teens need help in establishing a new identity after the loss.  With the loss of a father, how will the teen now perceive himself?  In this regard, it is important to help the teen grieve and develop a post loss perception of himself.  In developing this new perception, the teen bundles together the loss with his future and creates a new identity that involves being without his father.  It is important to note that new identities should not include becoming the “man of the house” for the grieving mother.  Yes certain adaptations and duties will be needed, but the teen needs to remain a teen and not replacement of a loss husband in regards to emotional and financial support.

Fifth, help the teen search for deeper meanings of life.  Prior to the incident, teens are shielded by a false immortality.  After experiencing death, they are shocked into reality and find new meanings about life.
Finally, continue to help the teen.  Teens, like younger children, grieve in doses.  There is no doubt that when prom or graduation arrives that the teen will grieve the loss of a particular parent.  It is important for grief counselors to be supportive during these times.  Again the great premise, “grief is not an event but a process” must be accepted by all counselors if they truly wish to help their clients.

Danger Signs of a Grieving Teen

While one can expect certain levels of rebellion, moodiness, impulsiveness, reliance or egocentrism, there are some signs that parents and grief counselors need to be aware of.  Red flag type behaviors include suicidal thoughts, chronic depression, isolation from family and friends, academic failures, changes in personality, eating disorders, drugs, fighting and inappropriate sexual behaviors.  If these symptoms or behaviors manifest, the teen may be experiencing complicated grief reactions.
Ultimately, teens are going through a transitional period and grief only complicates things but if one is willing to take the time and care, then many complications can be avoided and the teen can heal.
If you are interested in adolescent grief counseling, please review the program.

Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Child Grief Counsleling Certification Program: Using Play Therapy in Child Grief Counseling

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Finding Grief Through Play

The mind of a child differs greatly than an adult.  This is due to an array of psychological and biological differences than stem from a lack of development in the brain.  It is important for grief counselors who specialize in grief and adolescent grief care to understand these differences because they directly effect how children grieve.
In the case of younger children, grief can be found in many things, most notably play.  The child’s need to play is not only for fun but is a way a child communicates and expresses herself.  Through this expression, a counselor or psychologist can find many clues about the child’s home life, school, beliefs, and emotional state.   A child who cannot play is denied her right to mourn.
Dr. Wolfelt in his book, “Companioning the Grieving Child” lists ten important elements of play in a child’s emotional life.  These are basic tenets of play therapy.
1. Play is the way children express and communicate
2. Play permits children to express painful and difficult emotions
3. Play is most often a child’s way to express the loss of a loved one
4. Play is essential for the bereavement counselor in establishing a therapeutic relationship with the child
5. Play helps the counselor understand the inner world of the child
6. Play increases and helps the child in his interest in working with the counselor
7. Play allows the child to utilize her imagination
8. Play is the vehicle in which the child can teach the counselor about her grief
9. Play helps energize and refresh the child
10. Play is a loving and compassionate way, one can help a grieving child
In addition to these basic concepts, Dr. Wolfelt recommends a variety of play techniques during counseling. Among the many, he encourages use of stuffed animals, puppets, dollhouses, art, free painting, drawing, clay, music, story-telling and books.  Through these therapies, the child is able to communicate things she is not able to vocally or maturely do yet.
The dollhouse can serve as an example.  The grief counselor can delve into the inner dynamics of the household simply by watching the child play with dolls in a home setting.  Is daddy always there?  Does mommy and daddy love each other?  Whose sad?  All of these answers can come to light simply through play.
Also from personal experience, grieving children can open up simply through drawing.  Dr. Roerick out of Youngstown, Ohio encourages drawing and coloring to bring out emotions of children.  Dr. Roerick is able to identify key emotions that correlate with color and other symbols.
The importance of play is critical to children.  Even if children are not grieving, as a parent, aunt, uncle or older sibling, can you answer affirmatively that you have played with a young child recently?  Give this gift to a child and let them teach you who they are through the process.
If you are interested in learning more about child grief counseling certification program, please review the program.
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C.

Pastoral Help For the Entire Family During Terminal Illness

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Pastoral Care for the Whole Family

Pastoral Help sometimes does not touch upon the needs of every family member or various feelings that identify the family as a whole.  It is important to meet the needs of the patient’s family while the patient approaches death.
One of the first steps a pastoral caregiver can do is normalize any feelings within the family.  Some family members may be experiencing secondary losses.  They may feel angry at the dying person.  It is important to let them know that this does not make them bad or that this does not mean they do not love their family.  Instead, such emotions should be faced and dealt with in order to prevent guilt and other ambiguous feelings when death does occur for their family member.  There should also be care in preparing the family for death.  The family should be prepared and taught what anticipatory grief is and how they may feel when the death does actually occur.
Second, it is imperative that the pastoral provider ensure that all family members are recognized in their grief.  Too many times, other people and groups that are affected by a death are ignored and left disenfranchised in their grief.
Third, the family needs to have a healthy balance between denial and acceptance.  The pastoral counselor must help certain family members who may experience denial and begin to slowly guide them to acceptance.

Fourth, a pastoral caregiver needs to guide the family into open dialogue with each other.  Better communicating families experience better resilience after a loss than closed and quiet families.  This open communication should also include children.  Children should be told the truth but in accordance with their maturity and understanding of death.
Fifth, the family may need help learning and preparing to say good bye.  Throughout the process of death, the family may be experiencing anticipatory grief.  Through this, thoughts of the final good bye are already forming in their minds.  As a counselor, one can help them better articulate how to express those feelings when the moment of death comes.
Finally, in some cases, the pastoral caregiver also assists with the after death rituals.  It is important to ensure that the whole family has a chance to say farewell and commemorate the death of a loved one at the funeral.  It is important to encourage the attendance of children.
If you are interested in Pastoral Care for families facing death, please review the program.
(Information for this article is from “Helping Grieving People-When Tears Are Not Enough” by J. Shep Jeffreys)
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Companioning the Grieving Child

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Treatment versus Companioning the Grieving Child

Treatment of grief is a very cold term.  In some ways, it sees grief as a pathology in itself.  Is not the very meaning of treatment to “cure”?  Grief cannot be cured but neither is it pathological.  It is a natural feeling that comes with the ability to love.  Hence grief is part of the human condition and can only be cared for in regards with coping, accepting and accommodating loss into one’s life.  Companioning the grieving child is less about curing but walking with the grieving child.  It sees grief as a process and not an event.
Dr. Wolfelt differentiates treatment and companioning in his text, “Companioning the Grieving Child”.  He uses the analogy of gardening to best describe grief care of a child.  A gardener feeds and nourishes the plants and protects it from weeds and other foreign agents.  He helps cultivate the soil and keeps a watchful eye on the flower’s progress.  However, he does not over water it, over nourish it or “grow” it himself.  He allows the flower to grow via his aid but he cannot make the plant bloom.  The plant can only bloom on its own.

In like manner, the grief counselor can protect the child from outside sources and be an advocate.  The grief counselor can also help nourish the psychological recovery of the child from grief, but ultimately it is the child who will reawaken from grief and “bloom”.
Dr. Wolfelt distinguishes these key characteristics between treatment and companioning:
1.  Treatment looks to return the child to the prior state of grieving, while companioning emphasizes helping the child transform not to an “old pre-grief normal state” but to a “new post grief normal state”.  This means the child will never the be the same after loss but can still live a healthy and happy life without grief complications.
2.  Treatment attempts to control symptoms of grief and views distress as undesirable, while companioning bears witness to a child’s grief and sees value in the symptoms of grief.
3. Treatment views the counselor as the perceived expert on the child, while companioning views the child as the guide to the counselor.
4. Treatment views a sustained relationship with the deceased as pathological, while companioning views a sustained relationship from present to memory as healthy.
5.Treatment sees the grieving child in a passive role, while companioning sees the active mourning of a child to be an active element
6. Treatment views quality of care as how well the grief was managed, while companioning views quality of care in how well the bereavement counselor allowed the child to lead
7. Treatment wishes to remove and overcome denial, while companionship matches denial with compassion and patience.
8. Treatment hopes to create a strategic plan of intervention, while companionship hopes and is willing to learn as the child finds meaning.  There is no need to solve or satisfy an immediate dilemma.
Through these Eight points, one can see the differences of companionship and treatment of grief.  As a grief counselor, how many times do you see yourself treating instead of companioning?
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Child Grief Counseling and Bereavement Education: Dimensions of Child Grief

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Child Grief and Its Manifestations

Child grief manifests itself in many ways.  The child and adolescent grief counselor can pinpoint these manifestations and help adults better understand what their child is feeling.  If anyone is familiar with or has children, some of these manifestations may have been seen in a child you know.  Here is a list of Dimensions of Child Grief to look for.
1. Shock or apparent lack of feeling.  Children sometimes show no emotion and will simply ignore the obvious and go outside and play.  This does not mean it does not affect the child and it should be not be treated with scorn or anger by an adult.
2. Physiological Changes.  The child will have various physical maladies such as upset stomachs, soreness of throat, lack of energy, nervousness, loss of appetite, headaches and skin rashes.  Some symptoms may even resemble the symptom that may have killed the loved one.  These symptoms are result of the  child’s body to stress.
3. Regression.  Some children will regress after a death in the family.  They will regress to baby talk, sleeping with parent, or become more dependent upon the parent.  It is good to allow the child to regress and heal.  One needs to be patient and supportive during this hard time.
4. Disorganization.  When someone a child cares for dies, a wave of emotion and confusion sweep into the child’s life.  If the person was a primary caregiver, thoughts of “who will care for me now” may enter into the child’s mind.  Adults need to be there for the child and assure them that it is alright to be sad and that people will be there for them.  During grief, before reorganization can occur, the disorganization must take place.
5. Explosive emotions.  Children like adults will feel many emotions during grief.  Encourage children to express their emotions in a healthy fashion.
6. Acting out.  Some children will desire attention for their grief by acting out.  This is especially true if the grief within the family dynamic is taught to be kept in.  One needs to identify the underling reasons for the acting out and show discipline but also patience and understanding to the true cause of these actions.
7. Hyper-maturity.  When adults mistakenly tell children to “grow up” and that they will have to take up responsibilities since “daddy is gone”, children then are denied the grieving process.  The children can feel a responsibility to play the role of the parent that is dead.
8. Fear.  This is a natural feeling for children who lose a loved one who may have cared for them.  Identify the fears of the child and help him face them.
9. Guilt.  There is sometimes guilt associated with a death in the minds of a child.  Children have magical thinking where if they thought something then they feel they may be guilty for it.  An example of this would be if a little boy had a fight with his parents and wished they would go away.  Later the parents die in a car crash and the little boy is faced with a guilt that makes him feel as if he caused them to go away.  Obviously magical thinking needs addressed and the only way it can be addressed is when grief counselors talk to the child and discover what is bothering him.
10. Relief.  Some children feel relief after a death.  Egocentrism in childhood may find relief that grandma finally died so things can return to normal at home.  Or some children may feel they have received very little attention since grandma became ill.  Another type of relief is if the loved one was also abusive in which case the child has relief that the abusive parent is gone.  Again, these things need addressed in counseling sessions before they become toxic.
11. Sadness. Some children are extremely sad.  Grief counselors should help children express their sadness to begin the healing process.
12. Reconciliation. In this, the child comes to grips with the reality of death and has adapted his lifestyle to the loss.  While grief is never an event but an ongoing process, the child has returned to normal levels of activity.
These elements of grief are important for grief counselors to identify to better treat children in grief.
If you are interested in  child grief counseling and bereavement education, please review the program.
(Information for this article can be found in “Companioning the Grieving Child” by Alan Wolfelt, PhD)
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

The Healing of the Grieving Child

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Six Reconciliation Needs of the Grieving Child

When children grieve they need to meet various tasks in overcoming their grief and adjusting to the post grief world.  It is also important for grief counselors, parents, and concerned adults to help the grieving child meet these needs to adjust.
The first task or need is for the child to acknowledge the death. In helping a child acknowledge this, it is important for adults to convey the finality and concrete nature of death.  Examples should include telling the child that we will no longer see the body walk, talk or breathe.  In addition to this, it is important for the child to understand that the person is not coming back.
The second need of the child is for the child to accept the pain and loss but while being emotionally cared for by adults.  It is important that a child has a support system that cares for all of the child’s needs so that the child can also grieve.  Adults should encourage a child to express his or her grief during this time.
The third need of the child is to convert the relationship of the lost loved one from “one of presence to one of memory”.  Memorials, scrapbooking, talking about the loved one and giving the child keepsakes all help the child make this transition.
The fourth need is for the child to develop his or her own self identity.  The primary problem for a child after the death of a loved one is their new self perception of who they are without the loved one.  Is the child still “daddy’s little girl” or is she now fatherless?  What other new social constructs will be created with the loss of the loved one that will affect who the child is?  Sometimes one can find a unhealthy identity form called hyper maturing.  The child feels the need to take on a role that the parent or loved one held before their death.  A child needs to find his or her place but a child needs to remain a child and heal.
The fifth need of the child is to find the death within a context of meaning.  This need is for the child to find meaning out of the death and apply it to their life.  This involves acceptance and adaptation.
The final need of the child is for continued adult help.  The child grieves in doses and as the child matures or special holidays come, the child will then need adult love and care when the tears come and go.
If you are interested in helping children grieve in a healthy way, please review the program.  If you are interested in learning about training in child grief counseling, then please review.
(Information for this article was found in “Companioning the Grieving Child” by Alan Wolfelt, PhD)
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Program in Child Grief Counseling: Ten Misconceptions About Grieving Children

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Mistakes Adults Make About Grieving Children

Adults make many mistakes about the nature of child grief.  Maybe they are well intentioned mistakes or maybe the parent or adult merely cannot handle his or her own grief.  Regardless, misconceptions about how to handle grief and children can lead to major problems down the road.  Alan Wolfelt lists ten misconceptions about grief below.
1. Grief and Mourning are the same experience.  The reality is mourning is the external expression of grief.
2. Children Grieve for only a short time.  Grief is a process not an event and children will experience the grief due to the event over period of time that will emerge and submerge over and over again.  One cannot force a child to grow up or get over something.
3. A child’s grief follows an orderly pattern.  Childrens’ grief is unique to each child and can re-emerge through out certain periods of time as the child’s mental functions become more developed and are able to reflect on the death or sad thing.  It is important to remember that children grieve in doses.
4. Infants and Toddlers are to young to mourn.  In fact, when a primary caregiver is taken away, a child experiences grief and anxiety.  Infants need held and loved when a primary caregiver dies.
5. Children will mourn regardless if their parents mourn or not. Actually, children and their grief patterns are based off imitation of their parents.  They can develop healthy habits or bad habits from mom and dad.
6. Grieving children will grow up and become maladjusted adults.   Grief is a natural experience.  It is usually the opposite. Children who do not grieve properly usually face issues as adults.
7. Children are better off if they do not attend funeral.  Children should attend funerals to understand death and be better able to say goodbye.  They should be included in the ritual and informed of what is happening.
8. Children should not cry.  Tears are a natural release for grief.  Children should cry if they are sad.  They should be allowed to be children. Crying has no long term negative affects on a child.
9. Children are too young to understand death and religious beliefs about death.  Children need age appropriate care in explanation of death.  One should also avoid confusing sayings but remain concrete in one’s explanation.  Avoid symbolic language and be very concrete.
10. One should help children get over their grief.  One does not get over grief.  It is a life long process.  Adults need to listen and companion the grieving the child not try to cure grief.  If a child is old enough to love, he is old enough to grieve and needs someone to be there.
This is an important list in avoiding misconceptions when treating or talking to a grieving child.
If you are interested in grief of children, please review the program in child grief counseling.
(Information for this article can be found in “Companioning the Grieving Child” by Alan Wolfelt, PhD)
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Child and Adolescent Grief: Advice from the Companioning the Grieving Child

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Grief Rights for Kids

The improper handling of children grief leads to many future problems for the child.  Well intentioned adults many times offer the wrong advice or entirely ignore the issue at hand.  Alan Wolfelt offers these grief rights to children in their grieving.
1.  The right to have my own unique feeling about death.
2. The right to talk about the death when I feel comfortable to do so
3. The right to express grief how I feel
4. The right to ask and receive help during grief from adults
5. During grief, the right to get upset about normal and everyday problems
6. The right to have grief outbursts
7. The right to use my beliefs about God to help me through my grief
8. The right to examine why my loved one died
9. The right to think about and discuss the memories of the loved one lost
10. The right to move forward and feel my grief over and over until I heal
These rights above help adults understand the proper care for a grieving child.  A child deserves not to be forgotten during grief.  They deserve a certain respect that correlates with their age in their understanding of grief and how it affects them.
If you are interested in child and adolescent grief, please review the program.
(Information for this article is from “Companioning the Grieving Child” by Alan Wolfelt, PhD)
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Discerning and Taking on Our Special and Unique Discipleship

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

As Christians we choose to believe Jesus rose. Please also review AIHCP's Christian Counseling CertificationCounseling the Doubtful to Their Proper Discipleship

During the gathering of the twelve, Our Lord did not seek out the most wealthy or influential people, but sought out the fisherman and tradesmen of various villages.  These men were far from educated but had pure hearts.  They were rich in spirit.
It is also noteworthy that these men gave up their lives for Christ.  They put away their fishing nets and followed him.  In contrast to the rich man who proudly told the Lord that he had observed all commandments but was unwilling to let go of his possessions and completely follow Christ as a disciple or apostle.
In this regard, the call of Christ is for all to fulfill discipleship in some way but many are unable to let go of the material illusions of this life to become spiritual and serve Christ.   The particular vocational call for each differs but ultimately there is a universal priesthood and discipleship that all must answer.  Christian Counseling can help one find their particular call of discipleship.

Priest/Minister Call of Discipleship

While many would see this as the most important, I would contend that such callings although more rare are still nevertheless equal callings of discipleship.  The function differs but the value of discipleship within the Mystical Body of Christ is equally yoked.  Even Christian creeds with a value of hierarchy have re-evaluated the pyramid type scheme of their Ecclesiology to point out that all calls to discipleship are equal in sanctity.  The Catholic Church, in “Lumen Gentium” clearly points out the importance of the laity and their equal calling before God.  The Catholic Church has seen the value in other Eccesliological models that dismiss a pyramid image with a circular image.  The circle portrays an equal plane that circumvents the central ties of unity.
With the proper perspective of priestly ministry understood as not a superior calling but a different and more rare one, people can begin to understand the unique call to discipleship that this calling encompasses.  The call to serve and to feed Christ’s sheep.  Did not Christ tell his apostles that they must serve.  Christ, as the ultimate master, even took it upon himself to wash the feet of his apostles.  How many times do we see the hierarchy parade as if kings-not portraying Christ but regressing to the behavior of the temple priests of Israel?

Hence the purpose of priestly discipleship which is in strict line with the work of the apostles is a mission of service to the church.  In this special vocational calling, a man surrenders his life to Christ and accepts Christ’s special invitation to follow him as his apostles did.  Christ comes to some early in life and to others older in life, but when the time is right, the soul feels the urge to answer “yes” to its master and follow him.  Is this not the way an invitation to ministry or the priesthood happens?  Can one not imagine the presence of our Lord at our door, knocking and asking if we will follow him?

Many Are Called But Few Are Chosen

Like the rich man, many do not answer this door.  Maybe they are entrapped in this world or fear change.  Christian Counselors, spiritual advisors and other men of the cloth can help encourage these souls to move forward with fortitude as Peter and his apostles did when our Lord visited them.  Our Lord will aid the journey for his weight is light and his yoke is sweet.  In fact, the life style that involves a discipleship of ministry is one of joy for those chosen for it.  Many men who choose a celebrant life as a priest or minister find an inner strength.  This inner strength was not developed but was placed by the Holy Spirit as special charism that gives such souls the ability to serve the church without need of companionship.  Many of these men do not feel the need to have a woman at their side.  They feel content in life with family and hobbies.  Prior to their ministry, they usually found themselves without a girlfriend.  This is not to say they never dated or were romantically involved in the past but the passion and necessity never burned in their souls.  Why?  Because the Holy Spirit has given them a self suffiency within their vocational call that will allow them, if they choose, to become instruments of God for his church.
Does this mean men must completely commit their life to Christ without a wonderful woman at their side?  Defintely no.  Some vocational calls of ministry include a loving wife at one’s side.  Within Protestantism, ministers and priests are blessed with the joys of serving the church and enjoying the interior intimacies of companionship.  Furthermore, contrary to popular belief, there are married Catholic priests.  Unlike the Western Church, the Eastern Church has celebrated a married clergy since the beginning.  These priests can be found in the Byzantine traditions and also the Non-Catholic Orthodox traditions.

Yet, some men feel the need to totally separate themselves from such companionship.  As another Christ, they become bethrown to the church herself.  With the special spiritual graces and their interior make up, they are able to happily execute a life totally dedicated to God without human sexual companionship via a wife.
Neither calling of celibacy or marriage within the ranks of ministry or priesthood are superior to one or the other because all vocational callings are from God and it is the purpose of a person to fulfill the will of one’s creator.

Other Vocational Calls of Discipleship in the Religious Life

Some feel a deep calling to serve the church through the religious life.  This calling is sometimes contemplative or missionary.  Various orders throughout the Church have opened itself to men and women to enter into a particular discipleship.  In Catholic circles, bound by the vows of chastity, obedience and poverty, these souls completely sever themselves from materialism and engage the world.  Some orders seek deep contemplation while others preach, aid the poor, visit the sick, commit to pastoral care, or provide missionary activity.  St. Francis, St. Anthony, St. Dominic, St. Benedict, St. Claire, St. Theresa of Avila,  and St. Theresa the Little Flower are just among a few handful of names that glow in this important call of discipleship.

Protestant churches while not bound to a particular order also courageously fulfill this religious call of discipleship with a variety of other charitable organizations.  Protestant denominations can also be found in missionary activity bringing the Gospel of Christ to Africa and Asia.  These pastoral services are a call of discipleship that ministers and priests cannot sometimes accomplish.  The brave souls who dedicate their life to spreading the gospel and bringing compassion to the sick on a day to day basis is a calling of finding Christ in the least of one’s brethren.  This calling also fulfills the great commandment to love one’s neighbor as oneself.

What of the Laity?

The same vocational drive that pushes the religious is also found in the laity.  First, for most laity is the vocation of marriage.  Most are called to this discipleship.  Yet how is marriage discipleship?  One can only look at the model of the Holy Family.  The Church in miniature starts at home.  A good father and mother raising their children in the teachings of Christ is a vocation and a call to discipleship that many do not realize.  It is through the daily lives of parents whether if it is mopping the floor, doing laundry, or going to the office that one fulfills his/her vocation to Christ.  In offering their daily duty and raising their children, parents fulfill their “priestly” duties to the  church.  While they may not be giving a sermon on Sunday or visiting far away lands, these people serve the domestic church via their example.  One can no longer devalue the universal priesthood of the laity and their extreme importance to the church.  Those called to this are equally blessed by the Lord because this is what God wants of them!  These domestic priests become the first preachers of Jesus to their children and become the cornerstone of the church.
Secondly, the laity fulfill a variety of needs to the church beyond domestic house keeping.  Laity are involved at the parish or congregational level through their activities.  Some help the minister or priest with book-keeping, while others help the minister or priest with Mass or services.  Some lector, some distribute the Eucharist, some sing and others visit the sick.

Single people also represent the laity.  They share the responsibilities of the church with the married laity.  And they too are called to a discipleship of good example and worship of God.  Yet in many cases they become the most disenfranchised.  They are the least remembered but ironically the most talked about because they have not “chosen” a path or “checked” off a life achievement “box” of reaching societal norms.  However, some are called to a vocational life of prayer that does not involve either avenues of choice.  They are called instead to be helpers of their families or generous givers of their spare time to worthwhile causes.  Some singles may be called only temporarily to this life as they discern and carry their cross of loneliness or doubt, but ultimately, our Lord will lead them to a particular calling.

Do Not Fear

Spiritual advisers and spiritual mentors should gently guide their spiritual children to the will of God, but ultimately it will be God who decides when the time is right for one to determine their particular calling of discipleship.  While counselors can identify various signs within the soul and can help one see those signs, the inner calling of God and the peace of the Holy Spirit is what will eventually allow the Christian to discern his particular discipleship.  As Christ takes one hand, we must not fear what our particular calling is but accept with faith.  We are already spiritually predisposed to the calling God has given us and only by fulfilling God’s will can one experience true happiness.

Take Control of One’s Discipleship

In addition to not fearing, one needs to take ownership of one’s discipleship.  Yes, via Baptism we all take ownership as a follower of Christ, but each one of us has a particular discipleship unique to us.  One must take control of that.
In scripture, the Mother of James and John addressed Christ in regards to who will sit on his right and left in the next world.  Christ did not respond to her but turned to James and John and told them that is for the Father to determine to who will sit where.  Christ’s avoidance of their mother was not due to anger or dismal of the mother, but a statement to everyone that we must take control of our own discipleship.  We cannot forever ask others what they think , but we must eventually take our own steps and make our discipleship our own by taking it on fully.

God Chooses the Lowly

In accepting our discipleship, we can definitely feel overwhelmed and unworthy.  Many saints fled the priesthood because they feared the awesome statue of merely saying “This is My Body”, but while one should be humbled by such calls, one should also feel honored and excited that our Lord would come to us personally and ask of us certain tasks.  We should embrace these roles of discipleship that our Lord has chosen for us and encourage others to embrace their particular role.  In accepting our discipleship, we should imitate Mary, who accepted the greatest discipleship role of all time–being the vessel for the birth of our Lord.
Ultimately in the end, can we say we were as bad as Saul or Augustine?  Judge not yourself or others for what the Lord had decided to make holy.  He will make it clean and use it for his purposes.
To learn more about Christian Counseling Education, please review the program.  If you would like to learn where to take Christian Counseling courses, then please review as well.
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Certification Program in Grief Counseling: Traumatic Grief Symptoms for Colorado Movie Massacre Survivors

Posted on by Dominick Flarey

Traumatic Grief and the Colorado Movie Massacre

The horrendous events in Colorado at the opening of “Batman Dark Knight Rises” has shocked a nation and brought a community into incredible and traumatic grief.  Yet besides the national buzz over better security, terrorism and gun control, the survivors of the horrific event are facing other questions.  Questions that are beyond the the historical event but questions that challenge their very reason of existence.
While Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and other symptoms of complicated grief may not affect every survivor, there is a good bet that out of the 58 injured and hundred present that many people will experience these issues.
Traumatic grief is usually caused by a universally and objective heinous action that cripples the mind’s ability to process the grief in a normal fashion.  It is simply to horrible to imagine.  Under its prerequisites are listed sudden deaths, personal encounters with death and deaths that involve intense violence.  Like 911, school shootings and other acts of terrorism, the Colorado movie massacre fits all descriptions of an event that will cause traumatic grief for survivors.

What are the Survivors Feeling?

The survivors of this shooting are probably feeling an array of different symptoms of grief.  All people grieve differently due to subjective elements that make a person unique.  How these subjective elements fuse with an objective event such as this shooting cannot be predicted.  However, if traumatic grief is present in certain individuals, one can safely bet there are basic psychological reactions that are occurring within the survivors.
With all severe emotional trauma noted psychologist, Robert Neimeyer, notes that survivors will be unable to remove various images of the carnage that took place in Colorado.  The traumatic events will flood the brain and vivid memories will stamp themselves to the brain.  These memories will settle in the Amygdala of the brain and will be awakened without conscious control when various senses or stimuli are reminded of the event.  This puts the person in a persistent state where vivid memories can flash back before one’s eyes without any control.
Robert Lifton, an expert in the effects of traumatic grief on people, points out that people can face these demons and seek healing or fall victim to the overwhelming nature of the event and fall into a pit of psychological numbing.  Psychic numbing is a dissociative phenomenon where the “crucial components of the self are simply unavailable to the ego”.  Psychic numbing involves the mind becoming paralyzed to healing and change.  The scars of the event or simply too horrible for the mind to comprehend and, in defense, the mind cuts itself away from these images.  Through this, the cognitive images and the feelings associated with them are severed and unfaced.
In addition to this, the survivors may also be facing a death imprint.  A death imprint is a drastic and intimate dance with death that leaves the person in a state of anxiety.  The event, how one acted in the event and how it all unfolded haunt the person. The survivors in Colorado may well indeed feel helpless as the event replays over and over inside their mind.

Some may also experience death guilt.  The survivors may feel they could have done more.  As young children were shot, adults may feel guilty for ducking errant bullets.  Adults or friends may feel they should have covered or shielded a love one from the spray of gunfire.  Instead of blaming the incarnate demon and madman who opened fired upon the helpless population, those trapped in death guilt only see their own perceived inaction-which i in no way their fault.

How Do They Move On?

This is the ultimate question.  Some will blame God, lose faith, while others will find faith.  Some will show resiliency, while others will be afflicted with traumatic grief.  Ultimately, the pain of this event will be a continued process that will never completely go away.  Those that will recover will learn to live with the pain of the event in a healthy fashion and reconstruct meaning in their life.  As Neimeyer points out, one must find new meaning to life and reconstruct one’s past, present and future life with the traumatic event.  They must learn how this event plays a role in their life. It can never be left in the past, but it does not have to dominate the future.  While this process will be life long and “acceptable” notions of adaptation may vary among survivors, one can only hope through prayer and blessings that these victims can somehow find wholeness.   Grief counselors will without a doubt be called upon to help these people find this wholeness.
While reconstructing new meaning to one’s life is imperative, many people will respond with emotion and follow the various phases of grief in their healing.  One way to connect the traumatic event with the present and future in a constructive way is for survivors to create a survivor mission.  This mission may be through activism and can be utilized to help one face their suffering and find love and future wholeness in their life.
Ultimately this event will not only scar the survivors and the families of the deceased but will also scar the United States and its citizens for years to come.  A place of entertainment, escape from stress, and a place of security has forever been breached and this will have ample reprecussions on the mental state of the country for decades to come.
If you are interested in traumatic grief or other grief related sources, please review the program.
(Information was found through the studies of Neimeyer, Lifton and the text ‘Transfiguring Loss” by Jane Maynard)

Please also review our certification program in grief counseling.
Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C