Anger can ruin relationships if it is not properly dispersed and understood. When someone becomes angry with a significant other they may do one of two things. They may allow the anger to surface, or allow it to dive deep within oneself in the form of anxiety. Hence many live with the chose of anger or anxiety. One may not believe it, but anger is the better option. Why? Simply put, anger is not something evil in itself but something that allows others to know we are uncomfortable or something is not right. The reality is anger is good if utilized properly in a constructive way especially in relationships. When couples properly utilize anger, they can use this important emotion to help resolve arguments instead of inflame them.
Anger as an emotion is a result of the fight or flight response. The body tightens up, blood pressure increases and the heart beat increases. This allows the body to prepare for confrontation possibly. While stressors and irritants can cause this, it is obviously not good to always get angry but to have an appropriate response to stress and allow anger to constructively look to repair the issue. Anger in this way can help relationships.
Anger can help relationships when constructive in multiple ways. It allows one to express feelings and let others know one has been hurt. It gives individuals an understanding of one’s boundaries. Finally by releasing anger, one can sooner forget and forgive. Those who harbor these negative emotions, fuel a deeper outburst later and find little resolution but only resentment.
Anger that is misused and seeking to punish via quiet or outburst can cause multiple issues to self and relationships. When misused besides the obvious chance of violence and hurtful words, it also leaves one with weakened self esteem in ability to control emotion. When looking to punish it also hides the true self because one is either punishing with indifference or verbal assault. This bitterness weakens communication. Silent anger that looks to punish creates distance and pushes others away but also causes a host of internal physical issues.
When anger is utilized properly it looks to not punish but again find justice or healing. It empowers one to stand up for oneself. It helps one communicate issues and break through destructive patterns by another that hurt you. It asks for a mutual resolution and a potential way to find forgiveness and future prevention of damaging behavior.
Anger within relationships usually though causes multiple issues. Individuals do not utilize anger in a constructive way but usually in a destructive way. This may not even be physical or mental abuse, but the reality that couples who argue tend to hurt each other by not understanding how to utilize their anger to resolve. Instead it becomes a competition of who is right or wrong or who cannot admit they did wrong.
Right or wrong, win or lose, egos need to be tossed aside and the true question needs to be asked in regards to whom was hurt.
This is rarely the resolution though but instead anger fuels arguments. Assumptions, disapprovals, judgements and accusations against one another can heat the moment and elevate the argument to higher levels, as each become defensive and more angry by the minute.
It is important to remember to avoid assumptions. Partners should ask how one feels, instead of assuming. Instead of accusatory statements such as “you”, it is important to use terms such as “I feel”, It is best not to blame and accuse and label but to listen, praise and forgive.
An argument again is not about who wins or who ultimately is right but resolution. Sometimes anger that is not constructive can send an argument into other levels of animosity instead of constructively exposing the issue and allowing couples to discuss and identify key issues.
AIHCP offers an online and independent Anger Management Consultant Certification, as well as a Stress Management Certification. Both programs are online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification. Those interested in Anger Management can utilize the certification to help in a variety of counseling fields and Anger Management classes. Anger Management is key in helping couples find resolution and forgiveness.
Related Topics
Healing Anxiety with Herbs by Harold Bloomfield, MD. Chapter 27 deals extensively with anger management and couples
7 Guidelines to Help Couples Manage Conflict by Bernard Golden. Please click here
How Couples Can Use Anger by Richard Joelson. Please click here