Forgiveness is a key concept within the Christian faith and embodies the message of Jesus Christ. Christ teaches us to love our enemies (Mt 5:43-44). In Luke 6:27, He states to do good for those who hate you and in Matthew 5:39, He tell His followers to turn the other cheek for those who persecute you. He reminds His followers that if one does not forgive the sins of others, then the Father will not forgive them of their sins (Mt 6:15). Again, on the cross, showing the ultimate example, Christ begged the Father to forgive those who crucified Him crying out “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do (Luke 23:34)”.
It is clear that the message of Jesus Christ is to forgive others for the trespasses against oneself. This core principle is perhaps one of the hardest elements for many to practically apply in Christian life. It is very difficult to forgive an ex spouse, an assaulter, or someone who has financially wronged or cheated another. Furthermore, for many in war torn areas, it is near impossible to forget past genocides and past wars that has led to centuries of feuds between families and nations. To some, the Christian notion of forgiveness seems impossible to apply to everyday life. In fact, it seems to almost ask Christians to be pacifists to the extreme and not even defend self or protect others. The truth is not never forgiving nor forgetting justice, but in a point between satisfies both demands. Yes, Christians are called to forgive even those who physically persecute them but they are expected to abandon notions of justice or self respect. Did not Christ say during the Sermon on the Mount that “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will have their fill (Mt 5:1-12)”?
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Myths About Forgiveness
When chooses to find God’s grace to forgive another, it is important to dismiss false notions about forgiveness. According to Curran, forgiveness does not mean one is condoning the action or behavior of the person, nor does it entertain the idea that the relationship will improve or that one must remain in the relationship, nor does it mean one’s emotions tied to the event will vanish, nor does it mean one surrenders one’s right to be angry, nor does it mean one must forget the action as it it never happened. Forgiveness, according to Curran, is not pardoning a person and dismissing the hope of justice, nor does it mean condoning the action and not finding reprehensible, nor does it mean one must maintain any type of relationship with the person. It is important to differentiate the term forgiveness from pardoning, condoning or reconciliation.
Stages and Process of Forgiveness
While fulfilling Christ’s mandate to forgive others, forgiveness sets one free from the bitter fruits of revenge and self decay of hate. Hate eats away at the person and leads on down a dark road of sadistic and evil thoughts and potential actions. In many ways, Christ is hoping to save His children from becoming the very thing that harmed them. It is said, that if one seeks revenge, then to dig two graves and this is so true. Christ understood the freedom that forgiveness gives to oneself.
Biles discusses many reasons why one naturally pushes the saving grace of forgiveness before undertaking the long journey of experiencing it. Much it has to do with our own broken nature and pride even when we are the offended party. Bile states that many refuse to forgive because they believe the myth that forgiveness requires reconciliation. In addition, individuals may look to “save face” and feel it is beneath them to forgive something so wrong committed against them. They may see forgiveness as a symbol of weakness. Others may feel the offender must complete a series of tasks to demean themselves or show satisfactory restitution to one’s ego (2020, p. 61). Pride can play a large role in not permitting the stages of forgiveness to finally blossom.
Biles also referencing the powers of the emotions of anger and disappointment. With anger, the emotion is justified but over time it stifles any change of heart. This when anger becomes toxic to forgiveness. It is fine to feel this emotion but to allow it to dominate decisions keeps one chained to the offense. Furthermore, disappointment can lead one down a trail of becoming the other person’s judge and jury. While it is OK to be upset and disappointed in poor actions of others, it is not OK to decide what that disappointment dictates in terms of reparation. What is just and what one wants can be two very different things (Biles, 2020, p. 62).
Through one’s faith in Jesus Christ and the grace of the Holy Spirit, one can embark on the journey and process of forgiveness. One can finally grant oneself peace and freedom from the offense and offender. One can offer to Christ forgiveness as a gift and allow it to free the soul from the darkness of the action. It can allow the person to move forward with that peace and freedom to focus on other things and not be tormented by the past. It also ends the cycle of the offense. It releases the eye for an eye mentality and ends the cycle of perpetual violence. Hence according to Biles, forgiveness is a gift from Christ. We must accept it, yield to it and allow it to redirect our energies in positive ways (2020, p. 72-73).
The process is not only a spiritual process but also a psychological one. According to Curran, the first stage involves identifying the perpetrator and transgression. This involves accepting the negative emotions associated with it and the various aspects of the event and how it damaged oneself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Curran then points out that one must identify, experience and process the emotions. Within this critical step, the individual acknowledges the feelings one has felt and how those feelings have affected them. If in a safe place, this involves speaking to the person, if not, it can involve speaking to the person through therapies such as the Empty Chair found in Rogerian therapies. The third stage involves a cognitive desire to forgive and the importance of it. This means one understands the benefits of forgiveness and how one can finally see the transgressor as a human being. This does not mean one forgives the action, but more so stops demonizing the individual but instead sees the person as broken. The fourth stage involves setting clear boundaries with the offending party. One has a duty to protect oneself but also to have an understanding that forgiveness does not have to equate with reconciliation. Reconciliation itself depends on many subjective factors and relations between the person that cannot easily be decided. For example, an ex boyfriend or girlfriend who has broken fidelity is far easier to avoid than an ex spouse with children, or for that matter dealing with an estranged child. Obviously each issue needs to be a carefully reflected upon based on the events, persons and circumstances as well as the overall health of the offended. Finally, one must integrate the past and recreate the future with peace of mind that what has happened has been let go. While there still may be emotional residue, one is able to forge forward in a healthy and mental way (Curran). This is very similar to the 6 Steps of Forgiveness without the added step prior to reconciliation of canceling the debt and freeing oneself completely from the event (Biles, 2020, p.77).
Seeking Forgiveness and Forgiving Oneself
Many times, we may find ourselves on the other end of the story. We are not the transgressed but the offender. Whether it is a small thing or big thing, accidental or not, it is the duty of transgressor to seek forgiveness and acknowledge the wrong. Sometimes, an individual may never find that forgiveness due to another but it is spiritually but also psychologically important to push forward and seek forgiveness. No person is perfect, so we will find ourselves in the wrong at times and this is why Christ emphasizes the importance of forgiving each other. No-one is perfect. It is important to remove pride and move forward to rectify the situation.
The first step, is repentance. With God, we find ourselves in this spot almost everyday. Through sin we seek repentance. One seeks to repent also for sins committed against one’s neighbor. Repentance removes the blindfold of pride and acknowledges our broken nature and the need to find forgiveness. The second step is restitution. In Catholicism, the Sacrament of Penance seeks this psychological step not because forgiveness has been granted by Christ via the cross, but because of the vast importance for the person to show a sign or symbol of his/her repentance. The action of penance symbolizes and materializes the spiritual process and serves as a reminder of action to the words of sorrow. With our neighbor, our restitution may involve more. If we broke something, or hurt someone, or stole, then one is required by the virtue of justice to attempt to restore what was taken. Obviously emotional damage is harder to fix, but one is moved to offer any solutions possible to rectify the wrong committed. The third step is to rehabilitate. One must not only say words and offer actions but must change within the heart. One must have a firm contrition to sin no more. The process must be pure. Christ reminded the sinful woman that her sins were forgiven, but to sin no more. This involves rehabilitating oneself and not constantly repeating the same offense. Finally, through this sincere process of rehabilitation, one then looks towards the final step of rebuilding trust through not falling back into offenses but instead doing good (Biles, 2020, p. 82).
So many times though, even if forgiveness is given, one can fall into despair and have a difficult time forgiving oneself. Individuals may feel their sin was too great or that they cannot be seen as a good person again. The forgiveness of Christ wipes away sin but the emotional damage can still exist. It is important to flee despair and find hope in Christ but many live with guilt and shame of past deeds. These emotions which initially brought them to repentance and were good can become bad and poisonous after forgiveness has been granted. Guilt and shame serve an initial purpose but can erode at the mental and spiritual health of a person who refuses to forgive oneself.
Individuals may refuse to forgive oneself due to despair but some may also hold themselves to higher standards. Bile points out that it is emotionally difficult sometimes to forgive because one cannot escape one’s own thoughts and one cannot escape the fact one offended God, or neighbor in a way that is not oneself. One has not only offended another but offended one’s self concept (2020, p. 83). In forgiving oneself, one must first fulfill the duties to God and neighbor and take responsibility and seek repentance. Secondly, one strive for peace within. This is the most difficult aspect. One must again battle between the vices of despair and hopelessness and find hope in Christ. One must again see the good within oneself despite the event that does not define one’s character. This involves humility and acceptance of one’s brokenness and a path of renewal of trust in everyday life. When one refuses to forgive oneself, then one goes down a deep path of despair and self loathing that can lead to maladaptive coping and deeper offenses against others. One owes it to oneself, to forgive oneself after one has sought to fix the past. The pain still may be present and remind, but it can also be a strength for individuals to avoid the same pitfalls in the future and help others. This involves realistic living within the situation. This means acceptance if reconciliation occurs with the offended party or not, or if forgiveness is granted by the offended party or not. Consequences can hurt but they do not need to define. By living each day virtuously in rejection of the sin, then one can find new meaning and connect the wrong of the past with the virtues of the present and future (Biles, 2020, p. 84).
Conclusion
Granting and seeking forgiveness are essential parts of our fallen human nature. No-one is perfect and we will all be offended or offend others. Christ’s paramount message is to forgive others and to seek forgiveness. Within Christianity, forgiveness does not entail forgetting, or condoning, abandoning justice or necessarily even reconciling but it does entail removing hate, unjust anger and dehumanization of the person. It involves seeing the person as a broken person but still a person created by God. The process of forgiveness is also psychologically beneficial and the process helps free one from the trauma of the past and helps direct the person to the future. Whether seeking forgiveness or forgiving, it is essential to the tie the past even to the present narrative and to proceed forward to a healthy future.
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References
Biles, E. (2016). “Managing Anger and Learning Forgiveness”. Global Mosaic International.
Curran, L. “Myths and Stages of Forgiveness: Worksheets for Clinicians and Clients”.
Bible Gateway.
Additional Resources
Raypole, C. (2020). “How to Forgive Someone (Even If They Really Screwed Up)”. Healthline. Access here
Scott, E. (2023). “How to Forgive: 5 Tips for Letting Go and Moving On”. VeryWellMind. Access here
Regan, S. (2022). “How To Actually Forgive Someone: A Guide From Mental Health Experts”. MGBMindfullness. Access here
Kim, J. (2023). “How to Forgive Yourself and Others”. Psychology Today. Access here