During grief, multiple emotions can emerge. Anger, sadness and even guilt. Guilt especially can be a harmful emotion during grief because it tortures one over the loss of a loved one. Thoughts torture an individual regarding potentially the final days. Did the person do enough, did she say something mean she regrets, or did he not give enough time while the person was alive? These thoughts can torment the soul.
In addition, some individuals find guilt in things that were beyond their control. The guilt eats away and when they discuss it, they discover the guilt was unfounded. This is especially true with children and magical thinking. In many cases, children may feel responsible for the death of a loved one because they wished it or thought it. Hence guilt can be a true poison in the grieving process and the only way to weed it out is to discuss it and share it with others.
Another type of guilt in loss is survivor guilt. When experiencing a traumatic event, the survivor sometimes may feel guilty they survived or feel guilty they did not do enough to save others. In reality, there should be no guilt, but the guilt still haunts them.
The article, “Grief and Guilt: ‘I can’t believe I did that’ edition” from “Whats Your Grief” takes a closer look at guilt and grief. The article states,
“When it comes to grief and guilt, these ‘if-then’ thoughts often come up around the thing we did or didn’t do. We think if something had been different, the outcome would have been better. It is easy to imagine that the alternate reality would be the perfect outcome we wish for, instead of the reality we’re living. We look back and think things like:”
To read the entire article, please click here
The article lists numerous what if scenarios of what if, but then looks at why we do certain things in different situations. Stress response of fight or flight and our various crisis responses provoke different responses. So in reality, we respond in a given situation and are programmed to do so. Yet, in grief, we still look back with guilt, why we did not go to the funeral, or why we did not fight longer with treatments for our loved one, or wish we would have done that one little thing to change an outcome.
We as temporal beings cannot know the final end or whether an alternate ending is any better. In fact, the same ending may have occurred regardless and we can merely torture ourselves over and over in the mind.
We need to accept the past, shed guilt and realize our mind reacts to stress and crisis differently and we cannot return to that moment. What we can hold tightly to is we do what we feel is best at that moment and that we cherish and love our loved one. Our loved ones do not wish us to torture ourselves after their death. They want us to grieve healthy and not find guilt in their death but eventual acceptance.
If of a religious mind, we know they are in a better place and will one day reunite with us. In the meantime, holding on to guilt and other toxic emotion is unhealthy whether religious or not. The memory of the person lives on in us and they would never wish for us to hold on to unfounded guilt.
Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification and see if it matches your academic and professional goals. The program is online and independent study and the training for qualified professionals leads to a four year certification in Grief Counseling.