As the grief process continues in life, individuals follow different routes towards reconciliation with the loss. While resolution can never come because love forbids it, reconciliation can occur. A reconciliation that allows one to live and move forward while still acknowledging the loss. However as one proceeds forward down this trajectory of reconciliation, birthdays, anniversaries, and other moments that remind one of the deceased can emerge. These moments can create grief bursts (Wolfelt) or even take someone further back in time. This not bad and is completely OK. Please also review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification
Part of reconciliation involves living and experiencing life while carrying loss. There is no escape from this contradiction. Joy and sadness merge together and reminders emerge that anchor us in the past but the joy of the present permits one to still sail forward. This seeming paradox is part of grief and incorporating loss into life itself. Grief Counselors can help others through these emotions. Please review AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Courses
What’s Your Grief recently published a very interesting blog on dealing with conflicting emotions that muddy the water of life. As one moves forward, there is always a slight tug from behind or a pinch of the heart. When the widower or widow moves forward beyond the intensity of the first years of grief and finds a new love, there is the smile of the present but also the frown of the past. Conflicting emotions can emerge that confuse and cause new emotions of guilt.
In these paradoxes, individuals can have a whirlpool of emotions. One can experience intense grief at times, but also relief. The relief can also cause one to feel guilt. As the thoughts of the decease become less intense and less obsessive, an individual may feel guilty for the this respite from the pain. They may feel to honor the deceased, they then must continue to suffer. Grievers sometimes see any break from suffering as a betrayal to the deceased.
When meeting someone new, or looking forward to something exciting, a griever may feel the tug of the past. This tug is not bad but it should not prevent one from loving again or becoming excited over an event. This paradox can exist in multiple scenarios. Perhaps the grief and excitement of going to a ball game but without a beloved parent for the first time can create these unique and confusing experiencing. Or for someone the first time sharing a kiss with another person.
It is hence very important to learn how to experience the present, while keeping the past sacred. This may not be the easiest thing to do at first and it may cause conflicting emotions.
One may even enter into a “what if” or “should have” type mentality as one experiences the present. Instead of enjoying what is present, one thinks what if my loved one never died and where would I be myself? It is OK to wish the loved one still was alive, but this thinking if obsessive can derail the present. This will leave one from experiencing the present and not permitting one to make new memories. Part of the importance of reconciliation in grief is to place the loss in its proper perspective and chapter within one’s life. Robert Neimeyer talks about connecting the past, present and future together in one life narrative. Every chapter has intrinsic value. Every chapter is equally important and every chapter builds to the next. One chapter cannot be forgotten without expense to the next and the current chapter cannot be fully enjoyed when thinking of the past ones or future ones.
It is difficult to let go of the anxiety, but one needs to experience the conflicting emotions, respond to them and permit oneself to live the present. This is not something that happens day 1 of grief but something that occurs when full reconciliation with grief occurs. When reconciliation of the past and present allow one to find a new narrative and meaning for the future, then one can move forward, but if not, then these conflicting emotions can delay and possibly prevent happiness, so it is key to understand them and to properly react to them.
Helping others in the later phases of grief is important. Individuals sometimes need guidance and encouragement to move forward. Some need told that conflicting feelings are natural and not to feel bad about them when one is finally experiencing some type of happiness. Certified Grief Counselors can help individuals through these phases of finding true reconciliation in loss. They can help them connect the past chapters of the grieving’s life narrative to the present. Grief Counselors can also help individuals understand the the feelings and how to properly incorporate them. Moving forward can be difficult after loss, but it should not seem like a betrayal. Love is forever but over time is expressed differently due to life and death.
If you would like to learn more about AIHCP’s Grief Counseling Certification then please see if the program matches your academic and professional goals. The Grief Counseling Program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification in Grief Counseling. The program consists of four core courses that lead to certification. Qualified professionals include social workers, clergy, counselors, teachers, funeral directors, physicians, nurses and other mental and healthcare professionals. Undergraduate degrees in the social sciences and health care are also accepted.
Sources: Robert Neimeyer and Grief Therapy and the Reconstruction of Meaning:
From Principles to Practice : Click here
What’s Your Grief : Conflicted Feelings in Grief: Reconciling the Present with What Might Have Been by Eleanor Haley. Click here
Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart by Alan Wolfelt