Loss is part of life. Everyone experiences loss eventually but unfortunately those who have yet to experience a significant loss sometimes are the least to understand it. They may be well intentioned but they create greater havoc in inept words or actions. They actually cause more damage by their words.
Grief and loss will eventually find them and only then will they truly understand the folly of what they thought. Even those trained in Grief Counseling who never experienced serious loss, cannot truly fathom the feelings of loss and despair. Even they, sometimes need grief counselors and peer groups.
It is hence very important to treat the grieving with a great respect. It involves acknowledging their grief and in some cases, sojourning with the individual. No trick or fancy phrase can cure their grief, but time, patience and a helping hand can help make the load less. Grief Counselors should not look to cure grief because it cannot be cured. Only the restoration of the loss can cure grief. It is because of this reality that Grief Counseling is more about helping one understand loss, identify the issues of a specific loss and learn to cope with that loss, while helping the person integrate the loss into one’s life. Loss is not removed from life but it is better understood and placed in one’s life.
This may not be what many wish to hear about grief. Maybe some hope the pain will go away or they will forget, but love and beauty that is lost can never be forgotten. Love continues in grief when the beloved is no longer present. This is a true reality of the fallen world and the mentality one must have if they wish to help those in grief.
Below are a few tips for those in Grief Counseling. A few “dos” and “do nots” in aiding someone who is going through a loss.
If helping someone after a loss, it is best to listen and be there, not necessarily say the “right” thing. In fact, there probably is not a right thing that can said but only avoiding the wrong thing to say.
Many phrases can cause more damage. Here are a few statements to avoid and why.
The statement, “I know what you are going through”. This statement belittles the current grief and begs the question, do you really know what someone else is feeling? Grief while universal is also unique. The grief situation is not about you but the person in grief. So while shared discussions can help, it is not the initial conversation that should be utilized but something when the person is less emotional and more open to discussions about the loss. Later it may be best to share an experience but never to assume you know what someone is feeling.
Another statement of error is any statement that starts with the words “At least”. This minimizes loss. Some good intentioned individuals may say well “at least your father lived a long life”. Does this truly settle the problem of the loss itself? One’s father is now dead. The loss is real whether the father lived a long life or not. Instead, it is best to acknowledge the loss and offer condolences.
Good intention statements can cause more problems than good on many occasions. Another example includes religion. Some may say, “Well its was her time” or “God wanted his angel” or “she is in a better place”. To the griever, no time is good to lose a loved one. It can also produce an anger against God for taking one’s loved one.
Some statements are not good intentioned at all and can be nasty. Statements as “It is not a big deal” or “you are overreacting it was just a cat” can all cause immense harm to the griever. Downplaying one’s grief does not help one overcome it but only inflames the pain. Again, acknowledgement of the grief at any level is key to helping the person express it.
Another classic statement is “you are strong, you will get over it”. This equates strength with not expressing or feeling pain and can be detrimental to one facing the grief. Statements that tell individuals they “need to be strong now” do not help them overcome grief. Instead, it forces them to hide the grief and put on a false mask that does not seek help.
Statements that acknowledge grief and the feelings are the most important. Statements that produce condolences and heartfelt cries are the most critical. Sometimes, no statement is needed but a long loving hug to a friend at a funeral. In other ways, actions are better than words. Cards, flowers, sending dinner, or helping with house work can play a big role. Taking time to just sit and listen to the bereaved is sometimes the best thing anyone can do for a friend.
Individuals are either terrified of death, avoid it at all costs, and have never experienced it. They have no way or understanding how to approach it especially when confronted with it when a family member or friend experiences it. This can lead to many awkward situations that cause more hurt than help.
If you would like to learn more in how to the help the bereaved, please review the American Academy of Grief Counseling’s Grief Counseling Certification. The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification.
Other resources include
“Whats Your Grief” blog article, “What to Say to Someone Whose Father or Mother Died” – Please click here
AIHCP’s Video,”Helping Those in Grief” Please click here
“Whats Your Grief” blog article, “What to Say to Someone Who is Grieving” Please click here
“Help Guides” article, “Helping Someone Who’s Grieving” Please click here