The sin of self love, self ambition, and disregard for others started with Lucifer. The sin of Pride, the chief of the capital sins, distorted Lucifer into a glorified self love. Lucifer saw in himself perfection and his will was put before God. In turn, Lucifer was cast from Heaven into Hell for this delusional distortion of self value and worth. Vengefully and without remorse or humility, Lucifer in his pride vowed to destroy everything else God created and corrupt it. In reality, Lucifer was the first Narcissist.
Today, many times, the label of Narcissist is used too liberally. Many an offended partner, will diagnose one’s ex partner as a Narcissist, when in reality, the nature of breakups and divorces are difficult times when everyone is out for oneself. Selfish tendencies are inflated to point to Narcissism at every turn when in reality there is pathology but only selfish motives. Narcissism is beyond selfish motives at a given time, but is a habitual state of self love that becomes pathological in all dealing with other people. Narcissists have sociopathic tendencies, are incapable of empathy, and find total glory in the magnification of self. They are incapable of logical discussion and live in a world dominated by double standards. Any slight is seen as a grave offense and any lie to maintain their illusion of self is justified at all expenses.
Biblically, all human beings are inherently damaged due to the Fall of Adam. In that inherently exists a love of self. The will of a person naturally wishes to put oneself before the will of God. While the natural world does demand some type of self love for mere preservation, selfish individuals nonetheless exist that may not be Narcissists. In understanding this, think of selfish instance one may have found oneself in and how one acted. These random situations of selfishness may be more or less with different individuals but they are not a permanent habit nor moments that may bring remorse or regret at a later date. A Narcissist feels no regret and is habitually selfish.
Scripture speaks of the dangerous nature of selfishness. James 3:16 warns that “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.”. James 4:1 continues, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” and again Ephesians 2:3 declares, “All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh[a] and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath.”
Hence it is fallen human nature that creates selfishness within the heart. However, at a young age, individuals learn from experience and punishment, that their needs are not always the highest or most important and that others needs need to be understood and respected. The essence of the Golden Rule as “Do unto others, as you would wish done to you” should be a celebrated doctrine in any home. However, somehow, someway, some human natures are more inclined to certain things and desires. Like everyone, individuals have physical strengths and weaknesses, as well as mental, emotional and SPIRITUAL. For some, selflessness is easier, while other desires may be far more difficult. Some, may inherently find selfishness to be more of a hurdle in one’s daily life.
Children and their personalities will exhibit certain spiritual talents and certain spiritual weaknesses. The duty of a parent is to instruct the child in God’s law to conform consciences to God’s will and to help develop spiritual virtues and talents and eradicate certain vices that manifest more easily within the child’s temperament. In this, parents can witness certain patterns that may be naturally imbalanced within their child. Selfish behaviors need to be reprimanded and properly explained to a child. Example, teaching and consistency in building virtuous habit over destructive vice is key when such signs of selfishness appear. There needs to be a true balance of nature and nurture to curb natural inclinations towards self love and other behaviors that lead to immoral indifference to others. Children who are not given consequences, taught empathy, shown restraint, or directed to share and give, can become not only very selfish adults but potentially Narcissists.
In understanding Narcissism from a more clinical view, the article “Narcissism” from Psychology Today points out the primary definition of a Narcissist, their needs and how to cope with them in different settings. The article states,
“Narcissism does not necessarily represent a surplus of self-esteem or of insecurity; more accurately, it encompasses a hunger for appreciation or admiration, a desire to be the center of attention, and an expectation of special treatment reflecting perceived higher status. Interestingly, research finds, many highly narcissistic people often readily admit to an awareness that they are more self-centered. A high level of narcissism, not surprisingly, can be damaging in romantic, familial, or professional relationships.”
Narcissism. Psychology Today.
To review the entire article, please click here
Commentary
It is very important then not to mistake Narcissism for self esteem, or random selfish moments but as a personality disorder that exhibits habitual selfish behavior. Not only is this behavior selfish, but it is also a pathological form of self love. Every movement is about the glorification of self and the needed admiration of others to acknowledge this illusion. When this image is challenged, the Narcissist will employ lies, gas lighting, and defamation against one who dares insult them. Some additional traits include pathological self esteem, sense of entitlement, extreme arrogance, lack of empathy, lying, exaggerations of achievements, extreme envy of others, and obsession with fantasies of power.
Narcissists may seem very charming at first, but overtime, the more than selfish nature of vanity becomes more and more extreme. They exhibit no empathy for others and find value in others only as ways to find their own glorification. Friends or family who challenge them or debate them quickly find themselves demonized. The need of others is to satisfy their own ego. Hence Narcissists in relationships may appear in love but they are in love more so with the energy they feed off of the other spouse or partner. When the parasitical feeding no longer feeds the hunger of the Narcissist, then the existence of the other person is no longer required or needed in their orbit.
With this detailed description of a Narcissist understood, how should someone deal with a Narcissist?
In family life, Narcissists can destroy a family unit. They can make an intimate partner feel inadequate, or unworthy. They may insult or criticize a partner, or be dismissive or neglect the other if the other does not mean one’s needs. Some family members are able to cut ties, but if not, the relationship will be extremely taxing and stressful. In dealing with Narcissists, especially in family, it is more difficult to avoid them so it is important to make a decision in how one wishes to interact. Arguing with a Narcissist is impossible, so establishing boundaries is key and avoiding key confrontations. Sometimes it is best to nod one’s head to avoid outright confrontation. If at all possible, it is best to reduce time and situations with them. If possible, even cutting ties with a Narcissist is the best option, albeit difficult for individuals in careers or who love their Narcissistic spouse or loved one.
It is critical, whether at work, home or socially engaging a Narcissist to deal with them in particular ways to prevent issues. Obviously as mentioned, arguing or challenging a Narcissist is a recipe for disaster. Words must be chosen carefully without criticism. It is important to remain calm and precise, even when standing up for oneself. It is fine to stand up for oneself but it needs to be done so in a calm and refined way. If it hurts the Narcissist’s feelings, that is beyond one’s control if the need to stand up for oneself becomes critical. It is beyond useless to even try to have a comprising conversation, or expect an apology, or discuss the past. The Narcissist will never see one’s point of view, and will respond negatively to any direction or criticism.
Conclusion
Narcissism is a spiritually dangerous personality disorder. It is both a combination of nurture and nature. It is in itself the most Luciferic state a person can mold into. Biblically, all are selfish to an extent, but Narcissism is a habitual state.
Christ’s message is the ultimate rebuttal of Narcissism. Christ, unlike Lucifer, accepted the Father’s Will, and despite the His greatness, disguised it under the appearance of mere man. Christ throughout His ministry reminded the rich and powerful that they will be last in Heaven. He insisted we love one’s neighbor above oneself and to share with and love others. Christ is a paradigm of humility and how humility destroys the vice of pride. Humility and reverence to God are the first steps for any Narcissistic recovery. The ultimate subjugation of self to the infinite majesty of God can open the heart of any person. With clinical counseling and spiritual direction, any miracle is possible, even for a habitual state of sin that forbids remorse.
Christian Counselors can help individuals understand what Narcissism is and how Christians can better deal with these types of individuals on a daily basis. Christian charity and prayer is needed for them. No soul is ever lost but such personality disorders can prevent true conversion. When one is unable to say one is sorry is an extreme issue when no-one is perfect or without sin. Narcissism can prevent souls from asking forgiveness and seeking change due to these souls’ own inner pathology. This pathology is in no way a clinical excuse to sin and be unkind to so many. Hence it is an extremely dangerous spiritual state.
Please also review AIHCP’s Christian Counseling Certification and see if it meets your academic and professional goals. The program is online and independent study and open to qualified professionals seeking a four year certification. It is important to note, Christian Counselors who are not licensed counselors are not qualified to diagnose Narcissism but they can present sound Biblical advice on the nature of selfishness and how to interact with others in such states. They can also refer individuals to clinical counselors who may need clinical help with Narcissism.
Additional Resources
“How to Handle a Narcissist”. Kara Mayer Robinson. 2021. WebMD. Access here
“8 Ways to Handle a Narcissist”. Susan Krause Whitebourne. August 30th, 2014. Psychology Today. Access here
“How to Deal With a Narcissist”. Kendra Cherry. October 14th, 2022. VeryWellMind. Access here
Narcissistic personality disorder. Mayo Clinic Staff. Mayo Clinic. Access here